Monty Python and the Holy Grail Page #7

The KNIGHT looks very proud and firm as we hear the first part of the song,

but the combination of the lyrics and the large signs they pass, start

to have their effect ...

SONG:

Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot,

He was not afraid to die, Oh Brave Sir Robin,

He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways

Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp

Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken;

To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away

And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.

His head smashed in, and his heart cut out,

And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged,

And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off,

And his penis split ... and his ...

ROBIN:

Er, That's ... That's enough music for a while, lads.

It Looks as though like there's dirty work afoot.

SINGERS:

Brave, Sir Rob ...

ROBIN:

Shut up.

They have ridden past the following signs, all in triplicate:-

------------------------------------------------------

CAMELOT 43CERTAIN DEATH I

CAMELOT 43CERTAIN DEATH I

CAMELOT 43CERTAIN DEATH I

------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------

BEWAREGO BACKDEAD PEOPLE ONLY

BEWAREGO BACKDEAD PEOPLE ONLY

BEWAREGO BACKDEAD PEOPLE ONLY

------------------------------------------------------------

12 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY

They now pass three KNIGHTS impaled to a tree. With their feet off the

ground, with one lance through the lot of them, they are skewered up

like a barbecue.

Then they pass three KNIGHTS sitting on the ground with one enormous axe

through their skulls. They look timorous.

Then a huge tree is absolutely packed with MAIDENS tied to it. They all

look fed up. SIR ROBIN calls out cheerfully as he passes.

ROBIN:

Morning.

ONE LADY:

Bye.

SIR ROBIN rides on a little way with the music building up enormous and

terrifying tension, until suddenly there standing before him is an

enormous THREE-HEADED KNIGHT.

THREE HEADS:

Halt! Who art thou?

SINGERS:

He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who ...

ROBIN:

(to SINGERS)

Shut up. Oh, nobody really. just passing through.

THREE HEADS:

What do you want?

SINGERS:

To fight and ...

ROBIN:

Shut up. Nothing really. just to pass through, good Sir knight.

THREE HEADS:

I'm afraid not.

This is my bit of the forest. Find your own bit.

ROBIN:

I am a Knight of King Arthur's Round Table.

I seek the Holy Grail - Stand aside and let me pass.

THREE HEADS:

You are a Knight of the Round Table?

ROBIN:

I am.

From now on the THREE HEADS speak individually.

SECOND HEAD:

Sh*t.

FIRST HEAD:

In that case I shall have to kill you.

SECOND HEAD:

Shall I?

THIRD HEAD:

Oh, I don't think so.

SECOND HEAD:

I'm not sure.

MIDDLE HEAD:

(to FIRST)

What do I think?

LEFT HEAD:

I think kill him.

SECOND HEAD:

I'm still not sure.

THIRD HEAD:

All right. How many of me think I should kill him?

FIRST HEAD:

I do.

THIRD HEAD:

One.

SECOND HEAD:

That's not a quorum.

FIRST HEAD:

It is if I'm the Chairman.

THIRD HEAD:

Oo, it's not.

SECOND HEAD:

I'm the Chairman this week.

FIRST HEAD:

You're not.

SECOND HEAD:

Look, it'll make it much simpler if I vote with me.

THIRD HEAD:

To kill him.

SECOND HEAD:

Yeah.

THIRD HEAD:

(tuts)

Oh, damn.

FIRST HEAD:

(to SIR ROBIN)

Knight, I have decided to kill you.

THIRD HEAD:

With one absenting.

FIRST HEAD:

Knight, I have decided to kill you with one absenting.

THIRD HEAD:

(to SIR ROBIN)

Sorry about this but I have to be fair.

ROBIN:

Oh, that's all right. So you are going to kill me with your big axe.

FIRST HEAD:

Er no, with my sword.

SECOND HEAD:

Dagger.

THIRD HEAD:

Mace is quicker.

FIRST HEAD:

No, no, the sword, it's easier.

THIRD HEAD:

He said axe.

ROBIN:

Look, hurry up six eyes, or I shall cut your head off.

THIRD HEAD:

(to SIR ROBIN, referring to FIRST HEAD)

For God's sake, CUT that one off, and do us all a favour.

FIRST HEAD:

What do you mean?

THIRD HEAD:

Yapping on all the time.

SECOND HEAD:

You're lucky, you're not next to him.

THIRD HEAD:

What do you mean?

SECOND HEAD:

You snore.

THIRD HEAD:

Oo, lies. Anyway, you've got bad breath.

SECOND HEAD:

(aspirating heavily)

I haven't.

Both THIRD and FIRST HEADS turn away slightly, making faces.

SECOND HEAD:

It's not my fault. It's what you both eat.

FIRST HEAD:

Look, stop this bitching. We've got a knight to kill.

SECOND HEAD:

He's buggered off.

THIRD HEAD:

So he has. He's scarpered.

FIRST HEAD:

That's all your fault.

THIRD HEAD:

No, it's not.

FIRST HEAD:

(swipes at himself)

Take that.

SECOND HEAD:

Ow.

FIRST HEAD:

I'm sorry.

THIRD HEAD:

'Ere, stop it. I'll teach you.

The BODY starts laying into itself with sword and mace, while the HEADS

argue and shout with pain. We PAN gently across to the MAIDENS on their

tree. They are still very fed up.

MAIDEN:

I suppose we're lucky he's only got three heads.

LOVELY:

Chance would be a fine thing.

THIRD HEAD:

Oh! let's be nice to him.

FIRST HEAD:

Oh shut up.

ROBIN:

Perhaps I could ...

FIRST HEAD:

Oh! quick! get the sword out I want to cut his head off.

THIRD HEAD:

Oh, cut your own head off.

SECOND HEAD:

Yes - do us all a favour.

FIRST HEAD:

What?

THIRD HEAD:

Yapping on all the time.

SECOND HEAD:

You're lucky, you're not next to him.

THIRD HEAD:

What do you mean?

SECOND HEAD:

You snore.

THIRD HEAD:

Ooh, lies! anyway you've got bad breath.

SECOND HEAD:

Well only because you don't brush my teeth ...

THIRD HEAD:

Oh! stop bickering and let's go and have tea and biscuits.

FIRST HEAD:

All right! All right! We'll kill him first and then have tea

and biscuits.

SECOND HEAD:

Yes.

THIRD HEAD:

Oh! not biscuits ...

FIRST HEAD:

All right! All right! not biscuits - but lets kill him anyway ...

WIDE-SHOT THE 3-HEADED KNIGHT is alone.

SECOND HEAD:

He's buggered off!

THIRD HEAD:

So he has! He's scarpered.

13 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY

Quick sequence of SIR ROBIN. The music is jolly and bright, as if

triumphant. ROBIN is not at all happy with the lyrics.

SINGERS:

Brave Sir Robin ran away.

ROBIN:

I didn't.

SINGERS:

Bravely ran away, away.

ROBIN:

No, no, no.

SINGERS:

When danger reared its ugly head,

He bravely turned his tail and fled

Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about

And gallantly he chickened out

Bravely taking to his feet

He beat a very brave retreat

Bravest of the brave Sir Robin

Petrified of being dead

Soiled his pants then brave Sir Robin

Turned away and fled.

They disappear into distance.

ANIMATION:
"The Tale Of Sir Galahad"

14 EXTERIOR - STORM - FOREST - DUSK

As the storm rages we pick up GALAHAD forcing his way through brambles and

over slippery rocks. Progress is hard. He pauses and at this moment

we hear the howling of wolves. GALAHAD turns, then hurries onward even

more urgently. Another louder, closer howl is herd and GALAHAD stumbles

and falls heavily. Though obviously injured he bravely struggles

forward a little and regains his feed reacting with pain. More louder

closer howling. He grips his sword valiantly and as he glances around

a flash of lightning reveals the silhouette of a huge terrifying castle,

perhaps looking rather derelict. He makes up his mind in an instant and

stumbles manfully toward it. More louder howling. He reaches the

forbidding and enormous doors of the castle and beats on the doors with the

handle of his sword, looking over his shoulder the while. Pause.

He beats again, shouting:

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