Monty Python and the Holy Grail Page #8

GALAHAD:

Open. Open the doors. In the name of King Arthur. Open the doors.

I am Sir Galahad, a knight of the Round Table.

Some suitable noises are herd inside.

I am on a quest for the Holy Grail. I seek shelter.

Some rattling chainy noises come from inside with huge bolts being

drawn. The wolves' howling is very close. As the door creaks

open GALAHAD steps quickly inside.

15 INTERIOR - CASTLE - NIGHT

From inside we see GALAHAD enter, wiping the rain from his eyes, and turn

as the door crashes behind him. GALAHAD turns to the door reacting to the

fact he is trapped.

ZOOT (OUT OF VISION)

Hello!

GALAHAD turns back. We see from his POV the lovely ZOOT standing by him

smiling enchantingly and a number of equally delectable GIRLIES draped

around in the seductively poulticed room. They look at him smilingly and

wave.

GIRLIES:

Hello!

ZOOT:

Welcome, gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

GALAHAD:

The Castle Anthrax?

ZOOT:

Yes. It's not a very good name, is it? But we are

nice and we shall attend to your every ... every need!

GALAHAD:

Er ...

You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

ZOOT:

The what? But you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget!

Crapper!

MIDGET AND CRAPPER

Yes, O Zoot?

ZOOT:

Prepare a bed for our guest.

MIDGET AND CRAPPER

(grovelling with delight)

Oh thank you, Zoot, thank you, thank you.

ZOOT:

Away varletesses!

(to GALAHAD)

The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.

GALAHAD:

Well, look er, I ...

ZOOT:

What is your name, handsome knight?

GALAHAD:

Er ... Sir Galahad... the Chaste.

ZOOT:

Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot

(she is very close to him for a moment)

But come.

She turns away and leads him towards a door leading to a corner leading

to the bedchamber

GALAHAD:

Well Look, I'm afraid I really ought to be ...

ZOOT:

Sir Galahad!!

There is a gasp from the other GIRLS

ZOOT:

You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

GALAHAD looks at the other GIRLS. They are clearly on the verge of

being offended.

GALAHAD:

Well ...

ZOOT:

(she moves off and GALAHAD unwillingly follows)

I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared

to yours. We are but eightscore young blondes, all between

sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle, with no

one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life ... bathing ...

dressing ... undressing ... making exciting underwear....

They reach the end of the corridor and enter the bedchamber.

ZOOT turns

ZOOT:

We are just not used to handsome knights ...

(she notices him limping)

But you are wounded!

GALAHAD:

No, It's nothing!

ZOOT:

You must see the doctors immediately.

(she claps again)

You must lie down.

She almost forces him to lie on the bed as PIGLET and WINSTON enter the

room. They are equally beautiful and dressed exotically. They

approach GALAHAD.

PIGLET:

Well, what seems to be the trouble?

GALAHAD:

They're doctors?

ZOOT:

They have a basic medical training, yes. Now you must try to rest.

Dr. Winston! Dr. Piglet! Practice your art!!

WINSTON:

Try to relax.

GALAHAD:

No look, really, this isn't nescess ...

PIGLET:

We must examine you.

GALAHAD:

There's nothing wrong with ... that.

PIGLET:

(slightly irritated)

Please ... we are doctors.

ZOOT reappears. GALAHAD tries for one brief moment to relax. Then there is

a sharp boing from the lower part of his armour. WINSTON glances quickly

in the appropriate direction as GALAHAD sits up and starts getting off the

bed and collecting his armour, saying:

GALAHAD:

No, no, this cannot be. I am sworn to chastity!

PIGLET:

Back to your bed! At once!

GALAHAD:

I'm sorry, I must go.

GALAHAD hurries to the door and pushes through it. As he leaves the room

we CUT TO the reverse to show that he is now in a room full of bathing

and romping GIRLIES, all innocent, wide-eyed and beautiful. They smile

enchantingly at him as he tries to keep walking without being diverted by

the lovely sights assaulting his eyeballs. He nods to them stiffly once

or twice and then his eye catches a particularly stunning YOUNG LADY.

He visibly gulps with repressed emotion and cannot resist saying:

GALAHAD:

Good evening ... Ah, Zoot! Er ...

DINGO:

No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.

GALAHAD:

Oh. Well, I'm sorry, but I must leave immediately.

DINGO:

(very dramatically)

No! Oh, no! Bad ... bad Zoot.

GALAHAD:

Er, why?

DINGO:

She has been lying again ... she told us you had promised to

stay for ever!

GALAHAD:

Oh!

GALAHAD:

Oh ... will you excuse me?

DINGO:

Where are you going?

GALAHAD:

I have seen the Grail! I have seen it - here in this castle!

DINGO:

No! Oh, no! Bad ... bad Zoot!

GALAHAD:

What is it?

DINGO:

Bad, wicked, naughty Zoot! She has been setting fire to our beacon,

which - I have just remembered - is grail-shaped ... It is not the

first time we've had this problem.

GALAHAD:

It's not the real Grail?

DINGO:

Wicked wicked Zoot ... she is a bad person and she must pay the

penalty. And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment

... you must tie her down on a bed ... and spank her. Come!

GIRLS:

A spanking! A spanking!

DINGO:

You must spank her well and after you have spanked her you

may deal with her as you like and then ... spank me.

AMAZING:

And spank me!

STUNNER:

And me.

LOVELY:

And me.

DINGO:

Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

GIRLS:

A spanking. A spanking. There is going to be a spanking tonight.

DINGO:

And after the spanking ... the oral sex.

GALAHAD:

Oh, dear! Well, I...

GIRLS:

The oral sex ... The oral sex.

GALAHAD:

Well, I suppose I could stay a BIT longer.

At this moment there is a commotion behind and SIR LAUNCELOT and CONCORD,

possibly plus GAWAIN, burst into the bathing area with swords drawn and

form themselves round SIR GALAHAD threatening the GIRLS.

LAUNCELOT:

Sir Galahad!

GALAHAD:

Oh ... hello ...

LAUNCELOT:

Quick!

GALAHAD:

Why?

LAUNCELOT:

You are in great peril.

DINGO:

No he isn't

LAUNCELOT:

Silence! Foul temptress!

GALAHAD:

Well, she's got a point.

LAUNCELOT:

We'll cover your escape!

GALAHAD:

Look - I'm fine!

GIRLS:

Sir Galahad!

He threatens DINGO.

GALAHAD:

No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

GIRLS:

Yes, yes, let him Tackle us single-handed!

LAUNCELOT:

Come Sir Galahad, quickly!

GALAHAD:

No, really, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily!

DINGO:

Yes, let him handle us easily.

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