Monty Python and the Holy Grail Page #9

LAUNCELOT:

No sir. Quick!

He starts pulling GALAHAD away.

GALAHAD:

No, please. Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred.

GIRLS:

He will beat us easily. We haven't a chance.

DINGO:

Oh sh*t!

By now LAUNCELOT and CONCORDE have hustled GALAHAD out of the bathing

area and are running through the outside door.

LAUNCELOT:

We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

GALAHAD:

(dragging his feet somewhat)

I don't think I was.

LAUNCELOT:

You were, Sir Galahad, You were in terrible peril.

GALAHAD:

Look, let me go back in there and face the peril?

LAUNCELOT:

It's too perilous.

They are right outside the castle by now.

GALAHAD:

Look, it's my duty as a knight to try and sample as much peril as I can.

LAUNCELOT:

No, no, we must find the Grail.

The thunderstorm is over. A bunch (sic) of PAGES are tethered to a tree with

more MEN waiting. Their tethers are untied and the PAGES start banging away

with their coconuts. GALAHAD is swept along with them as they ride off.

GALAHAD:

Oh, let me go and have a bit of peril?

LAUNCELOT:

No. It's unhealthy.

GALAHAD:

... I Bet you're gay.

LAUNCELOT:

No, I'm not.

GAWAIN or CONCORDE gives a knowing glance at LAUNCELOT. VOICE comes in as

they ride off.

VOICE OVER:

Sir Launcelot had saved Galahad from almost certain

temptation but they were still lost, far from the goal

of their search for the Holy Grail. Only Bedevere and

King Arthur himself, riding day and night, had made

any progress.

16 ANIMATION/LIVE ACTION

ARTHUR and BEDEVERE in the depths of a dark forest with an old blind

SOOTHSAYER. He lies in a broken down old woodman's hut.

ARTHUR:

And this "Enchanter" of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?

The SOOTHSAYER laughs forbiddingly, adding to the general spookiness of

this encounter.

ARTHUR:

Where does he live?

(he stares into the blind eyes of the OLD MAN)

Old man ... where does he live ...

SOOTHSAYER:

He knows of a cave ... a cave which no man has entered.

ARTHUR:

And ... the Grail ... The Grail is there?

The BLIND MAN laughs again to himself.

SOOTHSAYER:

There is much danger ... for beyond the cave lies the Gorge

of Eternal Peril which no man has ever crossed.

ARTHUR:

But the Grail ... where is the Grail!?

SOOTHSAYER:

Seek you the Bridge of Death ...

ARTHUR:

The Bridge of Death? ... which leads to the Grail?

The OLD MAN laughs sinisterly and mockingly. They look down and he is

gone. They stand up. Suddenly behind them is a noise. They turn sharply

in the door of the little hut is a cat. It miaows and is gone. They

slowly back out of the hut. As they touch the doorposts they just flake

away into dust. The whole hut is rotten. It collapses

Spooky music. They are thoroughly shaken, and they begin to hear noises of

people moving in the forest around them. They start to back cautiously

away from the hut, suddenly there is heavy footfall behind them. They

turn in fear and:

Sudden CUT TO BIG CLOSE-UP of a frightening black-browed evil face.

TALL KNIGHT OF NI

Ni!

ARTHUR and BEDEVERE recoil in abject fear. PATSY rears up with coconuts.

ARTHUR:

(to PATSY)

Easy ... boy, easy ...

ARTHUR peers into the darkness.

Who are you?

SIX VOICES FROM DARKNESS

NI! ... Peng! ... Neeee ... Wom!

An extraordinary TALL KNIGHT in all black (possibly John with Mike on his

shoulders) walks out from the dark trees. He is extremely fierce and

gruesome countenance. He walks towards KING ARTHUR and PATSY, who are

wazzing like mad. (Salopian slang, meaning very scared. almost to the

point of wetting oneself, e.g. before an important football match or

prior to a postering. Salopian slang meaning a beating by the school

praeposters. Sorry about the Salopian slant to this stage direction - Ed.)

ARTHUR:

(wazzed stiff)

Who are you?

TALL KNIGHT:

We are the Knights Who Say "Ni"!

BEDEVERE:

No! Not the Knights Who Say "Ni"!

TALL KNIGHT:

The same!

ARTHUR:

Who are they?

TALL KNIGHT:

We are the keepers of the sacred words. NI ... Peng ... and Neee

... Wom!

BEDEVERE:

Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.

TALL KNIGHT:

The Knights Who Say "Ni"! demand a sacrifice.

ARTHUR:

(to the TALL KNIGHT)

Knights Who Say "Ni" ... we are but simple travellers. We seek the

Enchanter who lives beyond this wood and who ...

TALL KNIGHT:

NI!

ARTHUR:

(recoiling)

Oh!

TALL KNIGHT:

NI! NI!

ARTHUR:

(he cowers in fear)

Oh!

TALL KNIGHT:

We shall say Ni! again to you if you do not appease us.

ARTHUR:

All right! What do you want?

TALL KNIGHT:

We want ... a shrubbery!

ARTHUR:

A what?

TALL KNIGHT:

Ni! Ni! Ni ... Peng ... Nee ... Wum!

The PAGES rear and snort and rattle their coconuts.

ARTHUR:

All right! All right! ... No more, please. We will find you

a shrubbery ...

TALL KNIGHT:

You must return here with a shrubbery or else ... you shall

not pass through this wood alive!

ARTHUR:

Thanks you, Knights Who Say Ni! You are fair and just. We will

return with a shrubbery.

TALL KNIGHT:

One that looks nice.

ARTHUR:

Of course.

TALL KNIGHT:

And not too expensive.

ARTHUR:

Yes ...

TALL KNIGHT:

Now - go!

ARTHUR and BEDEVERE turn and ride off.

OTHER KNIGHTS:

Ni! Ni!

Shouts of "Ni" and "Peng" ring behind them.

17 EXTERIOR - DAY

CUT BACK TO the HISTORIAN lying in the glade. His WIFE, who has been

kneeling beside him, rises as two POLICE PATROLMEN enter the glade.

They bend over her HUSBAND. One takes out a notebook.

CUT TO and animated title - "The Tale of Sir Launcelot"

18 INTERIOR - PRINCE'S ROOM IN CASTLE - DAY

A young, quite embarrassingly unattractive PRINCE is gazing out of a castle

window. His FATHER stands beside him. He is also looking out. The

PRINCE wears a long white undershirt (like a night shirt).

FATHER:

One day, lad, all this will be yours ...

PRINCE:

What - the curtains?

FATHER:

No! Not the curtains, lad ... All that ...

(indicates the vista from the window)

all that you can see, stretched out over the hills and

valleys ... as far as the eye can see and beyond ...

that'll be your kingdom, lad.

PRINCE:

But, Mother ...

FATHER:

Father, lad.

PRINCE:

But, Father, I don't really want any of that.

FATHER:

Listen, lad, I built this kingdom up from nothing. All I had when

I started was swamp ... other kings said I was daft to build a

castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same ... just to show 'em.

It sank into the swamp. So I built a another one ... that sank

into the swamp. I built another one ... That fell over and THEN

sank into the swamp .... So I built another ... and that stayed up.

... And that's what your gonna get, lad: the most powerful kingdom in

this island.

PRINCE:

But I don't want any of that, I'd rather ...

FATHER:

Rather what?

PRINCE:

I'd rather ... just ... sing ...

MUSIC INTRO:

FATHER:

You're not going to do a song while I'm here!

Music stops.

Listen, lad, in twenty minutes you're going to be married to

a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

PRINCE:

I don't want land.

FATHER:

Listen, Alice ...

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