Moonwalkers

I'll be there.

Ten, nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four,

three, two, one,

zero.

I know I don't have

to tell you this,

but we need

a good one tonight.

More than ever.

Rick Gabler from Decca

is supposed to show up.

This could be our chance

to be signed by a big label.

This is going to be

our kind of audience.

So, let's give them

what they want.

All right.

And Glen, if you could

try not to touch yourself

while you're singing,

that would be great.

What?

But it's my signature move, Jonny.

You know it.

Honestly, mate, it makes

everyone feel sick.

Please don't do it.

They love it, Jonny!

You like it, really.

That's worth more

than music, actually.

This is our f***ing day.

Let's give 100% out there.

All right, let's do this!

Give us a kiss.

Look, Paul,

I know I said two weeks,

but I'm telling you,

this band is on the verge.

After tonight's gig,

the money is going

to start pouring in.

No, I'm not a thief.

I just need

a little bit more time.

In my at?

To cut my hands off?

My balls?

Yeah. Yeah.

We are The Yellow Blackguards

and we bring you love!

F***ing cunty bastards!

Jonny!

Sh*t!

Jonny!

Don't need

to sell your soul

To make it

in rock and roll

Just need

f0 find your crowd

1-7 And play your guitar loud .67

Well, if you're tired

of just talking the talk

How was I to know

they randomly changed

Hippie Night

into inbred retard night?

You're our manager.

You're supposed

to f***ing know

these things.

I mean,

seriously, Jonny.

This can't go on, mate.

What can't go on?

This, you know.

You promising to deliver

and us somehow

always ending up

in the shitter.

Having to run

for our lives.

You can't possibly

blame me for this.

All right,

it's not just this. It's...

Actually,

it's everything.

Like, all right, example.

How long have you been

saying that we're going

to do my rock opera?

Because I don't see

no rock opera.

I'm working on it.

What else? All right.

We've been gigging

for three years

and I'm still

not getting laid.

And that's what it's

all about for you,

isn't it, Glen?

Getting laid.

Partly. Yes.

I'm the lead singer

in a band.

I write all these f***ing

amazing poetic lyrics as well.

You're off, Henry,

Grandma's nipples,

Take me to the zoo,

I fancy that rhino.

Look, I'm sorry, Jonny,

but we're going to need

another manager.

What?

That's ridiculous.

How is it going to work

with two managers?

No, not like

another manager,

like a different one.

But that's insane.

I'm just about

to get you signed.

And all I'm asking for

is two more days

to sort it out.

Okay.

Fine. Two days.

But then we are

f***ing out of here.

Our luck is going

to change. You'll see.

Oh, for f***'s sake,

Jonny!

I believe that this nation

should commit itself

to achieving the goal,

before this decade is out,

of landing

a man on the moon--

Blah, blah, blah.

Bullshit.

As you know,

we've been developing

our space program

for some time now,

planning our 11th Apollo mission

to the moon in 10 days' time.

The trouble is...

we still don't have a clue

whether the thing's

going to make it or not.

It's been made

only too clear to me that

this is our last shot.

And that means the Russians

will have a clear run

to get to the moon first.

And do you know what happens

if the Russians happen

to make it

to the moon first?

We're going to wind up

looking like a bunch

of d*cks, that's what.

You ever seen a movie called

2001:
A Space Odyssey?

Made by this

film director geek

called Stanley Kubrick.

All set in space and sh*t.

Doesn't make

a goddamn bit of sense,

but it looks terrific.

Now, the thing we've been

asking ourselves is this.

If we've got a guy

that can make things

look like

they're on the moon,

then doesn't it

make sense to...

you know, film

a pretend moon landing?

Just in case

the real one

doesn't work.

We send Apollo

into space.

If they land...

great.

If not, we let them

circle around the moon

while we broadcast

Kubrick's images.

Okay, so,

here's the plan.

We've set up

a little meeting

for you in London

with Stanley Kubrick's agent.

He's expecting to meet

with a Hollywood producer

who has an important project

for his client.

Meet with Kubrick.

Convince him.

There's enough money

in this briefcase

to turn anyone

into a patriot.

You don't look happy.

The thing is, sir...

I just...

spent the last three years

in Special Operations

in Vietnam.

I was led to believe that

I would be given leave.

Look, I get it.

Who wants

to go to London,

be surrounded by a bunch

of hippies and homosexuals?

But the thing you have

to know is this,

not all Englishmen

are actually queer.

They just

look and act queer.

So, you don't have

to worry about that.

Any other questions?

Yes, sir.

It sounds like

a rather large operation.

How are we going

to keep this secret?

We'll do what

the Egyptians did.

Bury the architects

inside the pyramid.

The architects?

The architects.

It's a metaphor.

Oh, right.

So you want me

to kill everyone.

Oh, f***.

Oh.

Jimi f***ing Hendrix.

F***ing sh*t.

You all right, Jonny?

Did you do that?

What do you think?

The guy looks like you, though.

Doesn't he?

Of course

it looks like me.

That's me if I don't

pay back The Ironmonger.

The Ironmonger?

Are you mad

in the head, Jonny?

He chops people's willies off

with rusty tools.

That could be you,

your willy.

I know that, Leon.

I needed the money

for the band.

I just got

to get them signed,

then I can pay back

The Ironmonger.

Oh.

Then everything

will be fine again.

Well, you know,

on the bright side,

it couldn't get much worse.

Yeah, all right, Leon.

I mean, you've barely

got a pot to piss in.

If you lose the band,

you'll be back

on the breadlines.

All right, Leon.

For f***'s sake.

I'm going

to go see Derek Kaye.

He's the one man

that can help me.

Oh.

Hey!

How's this place

got all messy?

So, I said to her,

I said...

I said,

Get your p*ssy

out of my Aston Martin

before I kick it out.

Kick it out. Meow!

You're an American,

aren't you? Mm-hmm.

An American.

A Yankee.

Yankee Doodle went to town

Riding on a pony

Stuck a feather in his ass

and called it macaroni

Yankee Doodle Dandy

Yankee Doodle went to town

Wearing-

I'm so sorry.

Jesus Christ.

I'm so clumsy, mumsy me.

No, no, please.

Please.

Oh, no.

Please.

We need napkins!

No, look, listen,

we can talk about this

when the money's right.

Because other--

No!

Oh yeah.

I'll call you back.

Hi, Derek.

What are you doing here?

Can I talk to you?

I just need two minutes.

Right.

Two minutes, that's it.

I've got an important meeting

in five minutes.

Just be quick.

You've done well

for yourself.

Yeah.

Good clients.

Well, you could

do all right, too.

You just got to try not

to f*** everything up

all the time.

Yeah, that's good advice.

So, how's your dad's

butcher business?

You working for him yet?

No. No, I'm not.

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