Moonwalkers Page #2

It's my band, you know,

they're really going places.

You should hear the new set.

They're sounding tight.

Last night was amazing.

The girls were throwing

their knickers

on the stage

and everything.

Good for you.

Yeah.

All we need now

is a record deal.

I thought maybe

you could help.

What?

Sorry, why would

I risk my reputation

associating myself

with you?

All I'm asking for

is an in.

You know,

you could introduce me

to the right people.

Yeah, I could.

But I'm not going to.

Oh, come on, mate.

We're cousins.

What that's got

to do with anything?

Look, I've got to trust

the people that I work with.

Frankly,

I don't trust you.

So, what are you saying?

I think

you're a mess, Jonny.

You're disorganized,

you're ineffective,

you can't deliver.

Anything else?

You dress weird.

Can you lend me

some money then?

Yeah.

Sure.

How much do you want?

Oh, thanks, mate.

You saved my life.

Too late.

Come on, mate.

I only need a few grand.

You're loaded.

Oh, you're-you're--

you're bleeding.

F***! Oh, Jesus!

All right. Okay. That's it.

The meeting is over.

But Derek...

Just f*** off!

Sh*t! Jesus!

Oh. F***ing oy!

Prick.

F***.

Derek Kaye?

Huh?

Tom Kidman.

Johnson Brother Films.

I believe you were

expecting my visit

regarding

Mr. Stanley Kubrick.

Right, yeah. I...

I'll be brief, as I just came

straight from the airport.

As I said to you

on the phone,

we have a proposal

for Mr. Kubrick

that he needs to take

extremely seriously.

Yeah. Cool

There's a considerable

amount of money

in this project...

should Mr. Kubrick

decide to say yes.

For him and for you.

Huh?

Now, this is a project

of extreme importance

to my employers.

And it's incredibly

time sensitive.

There's nothing else

I can say without

Mr. Kubrick.

But I'll be available

to discuss this

all afternoon.

Here's the number

you can reach me at.

If Mr. Kubrick

accepts our proposal,

he gets the money.

Oh, and I would

appreciate it

if you would keep this

strictly confidential.

Leon!

One sec.

How are you, man?

What's up?

This is insanity, man.

I look nothing like

Stanley f***ing Kubrick.

You'll be fine.

You've got a beard.

That's all that matters.

All we've got

to do is sit down,

answer a few questions

and just act like you know

what you're talking about.

Yeah, but I don't know

what I'm talking about.

He's going to clock it.

He's going to figure it out.

Of course he's not.

He's some Hollywood idiot

from Hollywood.

He's clueless.

All right, wait, wait.

What films

did I make again?

Paths of Glory,

Yeah.

Dr. Strangelove,

Yeah.

Lolita.

Wait, hang on.

Lolita?

Isn't that

the pedo film?

Oh, for f***'s sake, Jonny.

No! Why do I have

to be a pedo?

Why can't I be

someone else?

Why can't I be Hitchcock?

No!

You're Stanley Kubrick.

Listen, I'm not going

to let him f*** me

up the arse.

What are you talking about?

I hear stories, man.

These Hollywood dudes

are at it all the time.

Oh, f***.

Oh, sh*t, I feel sick.

I think I've got stage fright.

Hang on.

I need to relax.

Hang on. Hang on.

Leon! Leon!

What's in the bag, Leon?

Leon!

It's repair patch glue.

Are you f***ing

joking me?

You're doing this

to me now?

Wake up, Leon,

you f***ing junkie!

I'm sorry.

Look.

Take some of this.

Get more.

All of it.

How do you feel now?

Powerful.

Like a horse.

Listen...

all you've got to do

is sit in there

for five minutes

and pretend to be

Stanley Kubrick.

All right.

You can do it.

I know you

can pull it off.

Yeah. All right.

Okay'?

Okay

Yeah.

Okay.

How do I look?

Okay. Great.

Sh*t.

Good to see you again,

Mr. Kidman.

Good to see you.

Please meet

Mr. Stanley Kubrick.

So good of you to see me

on such short notice.

Sorry.

My hands are a bit clammy.

You've got to be

an incredibly busy man.

Yeah.

Well, yeah.

Pretty damned busy,

all right.

Two beers.

So I'm a huge fan

of your work.

Oh, cheers.

I've seen Spartacus,

I don't know,

at least five times.

Great film.

Yeah, it's a good film.

So, you brought the cash?

Anyway, I wanted

to talk to you about

an incredibly important

film project.

And it's extremely

time sensitive.

And well, we decided

that there's only one man

in the world

that can pull this off.

Oh, wow.

And that man is?

So, yeah, cheers.

Lovely.

Anyway, this...

project is of great confident--

confidentiality.

So everything

I say from here on

is for Mr. Kubrick's

ears only.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

Usually, Stanley

prefers me to be involved

in all decisions.

I talk to Mr. Kubrick alone

or there is no deal.

Well...

I suppose I'll just...

wait outside.

What?

What?

Oh!

What happened?

You were in there

bloody ages.

Yeah, amazing.

I really got

into it, actually.

By the end,

I kind of felt like

I really was Kubrick.

That's great. So?

So, what?

So, what happened?

Oh, yeah.

Not my thing,

to be honest.

What do you mean?

Well, it's totally

out of my comfort zone.

Not my bag at all.

Not your bag?

You're not

Stanley Kubrick!

Yeah, but I'm playing

Stanley Kubrick.

And I had to do what

I thought Stanley would do.

It's called method acting.

Are you totally insane?

We just want

the cash, Leon!

What?

Mr. Kidman!

Mr. Kidman!

Mr. Kidman!

I apologize

for my colleague.

But we've had

a chat now,

talked it over,

and we've decided

he'll do it.

Yeah.

Didn't you just say

that it went against

all of your artistic

and moral principles?

Oh, yeah, well,

I changed my mind

about that.

Yeah, I want

to do it now.

Yeah, I want to do it.

Yeah, I want it. I want it!

Now!

Look, just give us the money

and we'll get to work.

You'll get your film

and then you can go back home

to your hamburgers

and / Love Lucy.

I'm warning you...

I can't afford to be

letdown about this.

You better deliver

or there are going to be

serious consequences.

Do we look like

the kind of people

that are going

to let you down?

I'll call you in your office

first thing in the morning.

Yeah. No, just jam it.

Just jam it back.

Yeah. No, just jam it.

lam f***ing jamming it!

What do you think

I'm doing?

God.

How much do you think

is in there?

Oh, f***.

I never thought

it'd be this much.

We've hit the jackpot.

That doesn't happen

very often in life.

No. God.

These must be

the plans for the film.

F*** the plans.

What if he finds us?

How?

By knocking

on every door in London?

These guys have

got so much money

they don't know

what to do with it.

Maybe we should

lay low for a while.

You know,

keep a low profile.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Definitely.

Everything's going

according to plan.

I understand, sir.

They're setting up

production as we speak.

So I'm the lead singer

in a band.

Yeah.

That's right.

It's a rock band.

I could write you

a song, if you like.

I can do it right now.

You got a sexy ass

I want to lick it

Lick my ass

You got

a sexy ass

Sh*t.

For f***'s sake.

I love you, Jonny.

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