Moonwalkers Page #3

And in our roundup

of news from the arts world,

Stanley Kubrick,

the British-based

American director

has made a rare visit

to continental Europe,

to talk about

his new sci-ff film,

A Space Odyssey.

The film depicts space

and space travel

as we've never seen before.

The film has

left audiences baffled.

Mr. Kubrick said himself,

"if anyone understands it

on the third viewing,

we failed in our intention."

F***!

Good morning,

sweetheart.

Who are you?

Who am I?

I'm Derek Kaye.

Who the hell

are you?

Who let you in here?

You're Derek Kaye?

Yeah, that's right.

You're Derek Kaye?

Oh, my God, is there

an echo in here or what?

Yes, I'm Derek Kaye.

Who's asking?

Well, who was that little f***

who was in here yesterday?

I haven't got a bloody clue

what you're talking about.

I'm talking about

that little f***

that was in this office yesterday

saying he was

Derek Kaye

and saying he could bring me

Stanley f***ing Kubrick!

Kubrick? Oh, come on.

That's ridiculous!

Oh, who the f***

is asking?

Right. Listen.

I'm not sure which looney bin

you've just escaped from,

but unless

you're out of my office

in the next three seconds,

I'm calling the police.

Is that clear?

One, two...

I don't know

who it was, I swear!

Give me a name,

goddammit!

Or else I'll crush

that tiny little

British head of yours.

I don't know.

Oh, f***.

No, wait! Wait!

Jonny Thorpe.

It must have been him

because he was

in here yesterday.

Where can I find him?

I'm coming.

For f***'s sake.

I'm not deaf,

you stupid f***ing--

Morning, Jonny.

All right, Paul.

What's up?

Not much.

How about you?

Yeah, I'm all right.

Better than all right

from what I heard.

My mate, the Clam said

he saw you last night

down at the pub.

Splashing the cash.

Yeah, I was going to come

and see you this morning.

Had a bit of luck

at the races.

So, I've got

Mr. Monger's money.

What are you

looking for?

Look.

You have had a stroke

of luck, haven't you?

Yeah.

So, how much was it?

200?

That's fight.

Plus interest.

I'm sure Mr. Monger would

like to send his thanks.

You know Jonny Thorpe?

Okay.

You all right, mate?

Excuse me.

I'm looking

for Jonny Thorpe.

He was in the pub

last night.

Won a shitload

on a horse.

Where is he?

Why should we

tell you?

Well, it'd be better

for your health.

Excuse me, sonny Jim,

we're actually doing

a bit of business here.

Plus Jenny's our mate

and we don't go around

giving out his address

to cheeky Yank bastards.

You get what

I'm saying, d*ckhead?

He lives

on Aspern Grove.

If you take a left

when you leave here,

then it's your second street

on the right.

And it's like a 10-minute walk,

or you could take a black cab,

or it's three stops

on the number 46 bus.

It's only money, Jonny.

And it wasn't even ours

in the first place.

It's not just the money,

though, is it, Leon?

That was our future.

I promised the band

a f***ing album.

Now I know how that

CIA guy must have felt.

What CIA guy?

What?

You just said,

now you know how that

CIA guy must have felt.

What CIA guy?

You know, the American.

The guy whose money it was.

Wanted to do the whole...

Fake moon landing thingy.

What are you going on

about, Leon?

You know.

The Americans want to do

a secret fake moon landing

in case the real one

doesn't work.

That's why they wanted

Stanley Kubrick.

You're f***ing joking me.

No, why would

I lie about that?

It's all in the documents.

And you didn't think that

was important information

to share with me?

That he was

from the f***ing CIA?

I thought you knew.

If I had known,

I wouldn't have

taken the money.

I'm not a total f***ing idiot.

I don't want to get killed.

All right, all right, man.

Don't make a big deal

out of it.

But it is a big deal!

Don't you get that?

This is really f***ing heavy

seriously f***ing sh*t

we're in here! F***!

What?

Why are you worried?

You said he was

an American idiot

and he'd never find us.

That was before I knew

he was a f***ing CIA agent.

Oh.

F***.

All right, we have

to get out of here.

What?

Come on, Leon!

Hang on. Wait, wait.

I'll take this apple.

For f***'s sake, Leon!

Just in case.

F***.

All right.

Grab whatever you can

and let's get the f***

out of here.

Hey there.

You said he was

a proper, like,

d*ckhead brainless

Hollywood twat.

You going somewhere?

What?

No.

Whatever gave you

that idea?

I don't know.

Just you saying,

Grab whatever you can,

let's get

the f*** out of here.

Oh, f***.

Yeah.

I meant...

you know...

let's get the f***

out of here and...

get to work

on that bloody film.

Oh, good. Phew.

'Cause for a second there

I was worried that

you might not be

who you said you were.

Hey there, Mr. Kubrick,

how are you doing, sir?

How's our

little project coming?

Yeah, pretty good,

you know.

Ups and downs.

Actors.

So...

you two live here together?

Sort of.

Yeah.

Kind of strange,

isn't it?

The most important filmmaker

of all time

chooses to live

in this...

tiny little piece of sh*t

hovel of a piece of sh*t...

with his agent.

A couple of faggots.

I suppose.

Yeah.

Mr. Kidman,

we really didn't mean...

To steal my money?

Where's the case?

We-- We had

a little issue.

Where's the case?

It--

it was stolen.

It wasn't my fault.

What?

I'm sorry.

It was what?

I swear

I'll get it back.

Jonny!

Who's that?

My mate, Glen.

Tell him to f*** off.

What?

Tell him

to f*** off.

F*** off, Glen!

What?

F*** off!

I'll call you later.

But you told me to come--

F*** off!

F***ing idiot.

You know

how much trouble

you caused me?

Look. Please...

There must be

something we can do.

We can help, give you

whatever you need.

I need to get

a f***ing movie made.

Well, we can do the film,

can't we, Leon?

I know people.

I know a director.

We can go there

right now.

And Leon is an actor,

for God's sake!

Please.

Give us a chance.

We can help you.

We can make it work.

Look, the moon landing

is only a few days away,

isn't it?

Do you really want to go back

to your boss and tell him

that you don't have

Stanley Kubrick

and you don't have

the money?

We must be

the only hope you've got.

We must be

the only hope you've got.

We must be

the only hope you've got.

We must be

the only hope you've--

Uh-huh.

Here's what's

going to happen.

We're going to go back

to the original plan.

And then the three of us,

me, and you two

f***ing a**holes

are going to film

man landing on the moon.

And if you so much

as tell one soul about this,

I swear I will

make you suffer

in ways

you never even imagined.

I want to meet your guy.

Now.

F***ing hell.

Hi there.

An angel.

Is Renatus in?

Sure.

Follow me.

One pill makes you larger

And one pill

makes you small

And the ones

that mother gives you

Don't do anything at all

Go ask Alice

When she's 10 feet tall

And if you go

chasing rabbits

And you know

you're going to fall

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