Morning Glory Page #4

Jesus, Daybreak. Half the people that

watch your show have lost their remote.

The other half are waiting

for their nurse to turn them over.

If I wanted to come back,

I could have any job I chose.

But you can't work on another network

for another two years.

So I'll continue to enjoy my life

on IBS's dime.

All right,

I didn't want to have to do this.

- I looked at your contract.

- What?

- With the lawyers.

- My contract?

You're right. They do have to pay you

for the last two years of your contract.

Unless six months have elapsed

without you appearing on the air

in any capacity.

Then, if the network offers

you an official position

and you don't take it,

they can terminate your contract

and the six million dollars

that you have left on it.

So, here's me with an official offer.

Mike Pomeroy, the IBS network

would like to offer you

the position of co-host of Daybreak.

- You're joking.

- No.

Actually, I'm not.

Do you have any idea

what's going on in the world?

And you want me to do stories

about baked Alaska?

After the career that I've had?

You just need to have an open mind.

- Open mind.

- I mean, yes, the morning news

- has a wider range of stories...

- A wider range?!

Your program is in the

news department, you cretin!

News is a sacred temple.

And you're part of the cabal

that's ruining it with horseshit!

That's not actually fair.

Because the first half hour of a morning

show is a damn fine news broadcast.

Sure, we cover news and entertainment.

That's everything

a newspaper has ever done.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Think of it this way:

We're like a well-informed neighbor,

coming over to chat

with people in the morning. You know,

Brokaw did the morning news.

And Charlie Gibson. Walter Cronkite

did it at the beginning of his career.

I mean, he co-hosted a morning program

with a puppet named Charlemagne.

Well, then... get a puppet.

It's inexpensive and uses things

you already have around the house.

You can make globes, hats,

especially pinatas.

Now, mache means

"to chew" in French,

but we're not actually going

to be eating any of this, right?

Of course not!

No.

Coming up next, you've heard her sing.

Well, today, you're going

to hear about her sweet tooth.

Join us as we bake brownies

with Celine Dion's personal chef.

All that and more,

coming up on Daybreak.

- We're clear!

- Oh, my God,

will somebody please get this off?

Thank you, thank you.

- Thank you very much.

- OK, so, we don't have time

for the sit-down, so we're just

gonna run the package, all right?

- Are you OK?

- What?

Don't beat yourself up.

He was never gonna do it. Pomeroy?

- How did you know that?

- Mike was never gonna come to work

at this little dog and pony show,

especially not working for somebody

- like, well, I'm sorry, but you.

- OK. Like, yeah.

You. Not in a thousand years. I mean,

obviously, don't get me wrong,

I would have... I would have

welcomed him with open arms.

Oh, my God.

I heard he was coming in,

but I didn't...

I've won eight Peabodys.

A Pulitzer.

Sixteen Emmys.

I was shot through

the forearm in Bosnia.

Pulled Colin Powell from a burning Jeep.

I laid a cool washcloth

on Mother Teresa's forehead

during a cholera epidemic.

I've had lunch with Dick Cheney.

You're here for the money.

That is correct.

Five, four, three...

F***.

Welcome back to Daybreak.

God, does he cook?

Does he do... I don't know,

fashion segments and gossip?

Does he have three-year-old octuplets

barf all over him like I did last year?

Well, unfortunately, in the '80s,

someone gave him

story refusal rights, so no.

I don't care. Does he know that

this is called morning television?

Yes, and I think

that after a little bit of time,

he's really gonna want

to do a mix of stories.

Face it! I'm going to end up making

turkey meatballs with Mario Batali

- for the rest of my natural life.

- I need the new titles ASAP.

OK, let's move it. Single malt. We've

got the hand soap,

we got the mixers, the papers,

the tropical fruit.

Here we go.

Whoever heard of mangosteen?

- Apparently, he has.

- This is Colleen's dressing room

and... She's so looking

forward to seeing you.

Good. Great. Glad to hear it.

And this is mine?

Yes, but Colleen is... Never mind.

You got me the newspapers?

The mixers?

The tropical fruit plate.

All stipulated in your ten-page rider.

- Nice of you.

- Yes...

Colleen wants me, I'll be in here.

OK.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He should come in here.

- OK.

- What the hell is that?

No hurry.

No. No and no.

OK.

Did you tell her I have papaya in here?

He gets a tropical fruit plate?

That is just so pathetic.

That guy might be our only hope.

So I suggest you just man up

and get in there!

That is such a good speech!

Guess what? I'm not going.

So, we'll be shooting Mike's

promos all week and then

we'll finalize the format

of the show on Friday.

Then we'll rehearse

Mike's openings and segues.

Excuse me.

Who is going to say goodbye?

- Pardon?

- Well, at the end of the show?

It doesn't really matter.

I mean, Mike, you don't mind

if Colleen says goodbye?

Well, who do you think the public

would rather hear from last?

Someone who's won every broadcast

award on the face of the planet

or the former Miss Pacoima?

It's Arizona!

In case you're interested,

I was Miss Arizona!

Christ!

We can't both have our arms folded.

And I am the female here, I think.

- Colleen on this side.

- Of course, I'd be more than happy to.

Can you just step away,

just for a second? Thanks.

We don't want

to take up your precious... Hello?!

- Is that better?

- What's next? Bubble bath?

Hey. Hi!

- Hey.

- Hi.

Hey, I just came to...

to offer my condolences

on hiring the third

worst person in the world.

Thanks.

Yes. I...

Who are the other two?

Kim Jong-il

and Angela Lansbury, actually.

- She knows what she did.

- OK.

So, I... I gather that you worked

with Mike at the nightly news.

Worst year of my life.

The entire time we worked together,

the only thing he ever called me

was Senor Dipshit.

It's not funny.

- I'm sorry, that's not funny.

- No.

That's terrible.

That is terrible, actually.

Yeah, so...

So now is an excellent time

for you to take up drinking.

And... And I came by to say

that sometimes after work,

a few of us go over

to Schiller's on Madison,

so, you know,

if you're ever around...

- Around.

- Yeah, available.

Oh, OK. Yeah.

That... would be nice.

Yeah, I... I don't,

I don't really go out very much,

but if I'm in the neighborhood,

- I will definitely stop by and say hi.

- Well, like tomorrow.

- Around eight.

- OK. Yeah, sounds good.

- All right.

- Sure, yeah.

- Bye.

- Bye.

That's not too shabby.

You got a new anchor.

Somebody asked you out on a date.

Things are lookin' up.

That was... He...

Not asking me out on a date.

I think it was.

I was standin' right there.

- No, no.

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