Morning Glory Page #9

That was so good. Do it again.

Fitty, Fitty! Mr. Cent?

Hi! Fan.

Big fan!

Take you to the candy shop

- Whoa, let you lick

- I heard the song.

I'm a producer for Daybreak and we

would so love to have you on our show.

We'd give you twice as much time

as the Today show.

And you could play four songs from

your new record. Just think about it.

I'll take you to the candy shop

I'll let you lick the lollypop

- Oh!

- Go 'head girl, Don't you stop

Yeah!

Keep going 'til you hit the spot, whoa!

I'll take you to the candy shop

Boy one taste of what I got

I'll have you spending all you got...

Ready one, take one! Ready two!

Well!

On the rabbi story, do you want

the transvestite prostitute

- to be dressed as a man or a woman?

- A man.

- Man.

- No, a woman.

No, have him/her start

the segment as a woman and then,

boom, after the break he/she

comes back as a man!

- Yes. That's it.

- Yes. Yes.

Back to you, Colleen.

- All right! They've cut!

- Both. Emphatically.

Here are the ratings.

I know, I know.

Yes, yes.

And when we come back,

we'll tell you about

new ways to cope with menopause.

New doorknobs.

OK.

- And am I doing it right?

- Yes.

How do you know?

You're not looking.

Or we could do a whole series

on senior weight loss. A five-parter.

We could get that health expert,

you know, the one with the...

It's good, it's good, it's good.

I'll do it.

Wait! Wait, look.

The week-to-weeks are better and

total viewers are up by five percent!

And those are not good enough!

Turns out the burger patties were

contaminated with E. Coli,

which can cause cramping and diarrhea.

- Lose the ticker, music in...

- We'll be right back on Daybreak.

Dissolve the logo. And mark.

And we're out.

Great, a story about uncontrollable

shitting and look who gets it.

Well, it's not my sort of thing.

Can I just say one thing?

That's our job.

I know you think you're above it

and, of course, you were above it

before you got fired. But now,

guess what, you're down in the muck

with the rest of us, Mike.

And yet I still have standards,

unfortunately for you.

- Suppose I don't have standards?

- Sure, you do.

When you got your Pap smear on air,

you wore a silk robe.

- OK!

- Classy touch.

- We're back in five...

- That is it!

I've had it with you!

I've had it!

- Three... and two...

- Go, two.

...one.

- Dissolve and cue.

Tomorrow on the show, Colleen will

make the British classic bangers

- and mash, with chef Gordon Ramsay.

- That's right, I will,

because you refuse to do it, Mike.

Guess it's beneath you.

Well, that and it's tough to get

between you and a sausage, so...

Sausage, that's a good one.

Yes, and also you are

a fatuous, pretentious idiot,

- so there's that.

- A fatuous idiot who makes

- three times what you make.

- That's our show for this morning.

See you tomorrow, folks. Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- And goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- Bye.

- Yeah, no, no, no.

- Bye.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye. Bye.

This is yesterday,

- after she insulted his tie.

- Right.

After he asked her if she cries

ice cubes. Huge spike.

They love it!

We're so close. I mean, we need this.

We're, we're, we're almost there.

Coming up in our next hour, we'll be

talking to people who successfully

completed this innovative

rehab program.

Might want to pick up

a few tips there, Mike.

Do they have rehab programs for bitter

beauty queens with self-esteem issues?

I wonder about that sometimes.

Sometimes. Well, coming up next...

But they are way better.

They're way up from last year.

I'm, I'm almost there.

So many people rely on this show.

They believe in it.

You have until Friday.

That's the deal we made.

And those are still not good enough.

...so no real flooding to speak of in

the neighborhoods. But the concern is,

they are prepared...

...to help folks if necessary, Kitty.

- What?

Well, the center of

lowa's second biggest city,

Cedar Rapids, is already underwater.

Sorry.

I mean, our demos are getting better.

But our overall numbers, they're

just not where they should be.

We're just missing... something.

Well, maybe it's time for another

eight-part series on the orgasm.

Do you think so? I mean,

I don't know what else we

would possibly talk about.

- You're making fun of me.

- No.

Never mind.

Just... doesn't matter.

I'll just deal with it in the morning.

You look at me like there's something

wrong with me all the time.

- And I can't, I can't do it.

- What?

That is the most ridiculous

statement you have ever made.

I can't let my guard down

for one second, you know.

I don't look at my BlackBerry and I miss

getting the next big story.

And I'm tired of feeling guilty

about my work. I can't.

Becky, wait a second.

Yeah. OK. Look, that

information's a matter of public record.

I have a right to see it.

You know that.

You want me to come on down there

and I'll bring a crew?

Better yet, a subpoena.

OK, and I think we

should end the segment

with Ernie being tarred and feathered

in honor of the anniversary

of the Boston Tea Party.

Or I could do my good story

on weathervanes.

No!

OK, so great job, everyone.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Just one, one moment, please.

I have a story I'd like to do.

Sauerkraut.

Sauerkraut?

Big annual Sauerkraut Festival upstate.

They bowl with cabbage,

make a big sauerkraut cake.

They... have a competition

for the best sauerkraut.

You want to do that?

What? Do you have

a problem with that?

No.

It's OK? I'm doing the kraut? Right?

- If you, if you want to.

- Good. Good.

Hi!

- Hi!

- Don't really have to go, you know.

I want to. My goodness.

I wouldn't miss this for...

- Get in.

- All right.

Say hello to Joe.

- Joe, Becky. Becky, Joe. Go.

- Hi, Joe.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

This isn't the way. No, no.

- Mike, where are we going?

- To cover the news.

- What?

- At 8am this morning,

- I'm going to cover a story.

- Mike.

- A real story.

- Are you kidding me?

- Where are you?

- I don't know.

- What do you mean, you don't know?

- Well, he won't tell me.

He's kidnapped me.

He's gone around some kind of bend

and I need you to get Colleen ready

with a backup story, please!

- What backup story?

- Let Ernie do the weathervane thing.

- No, no, no, no. Jesus.

- I need something

when Mike's story tanks.

You know, you're a terrible person!

You baited me with sauerkraut.

That's so low.

I mean, what the hell

is this story, Mike?!

- The governor.

- What governor?

We're not even

anywhere near Albany.

No, we're not.

It's up here a little further, Joe.

- A little further.

- Oh, my God,

this is the governor's country house.

Are you out of your mind?

You're experiencing a psychotic break.

Are you insane?

Well, I won't be dragged down with you.

You're gonna get us arrested and fired.

I get fired, I never work again,

you lunatic.

I'm not gonna run it, Mike.

I won't, you can't make me.

I'll run Colleen getting her bikini

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