Morning Glory Page #8

Go. You've wasted enough of my time.

We have six weeks.

Can you just not tell anyone yet?

Because morale isn't exactly at a peak.

Fine. Tell 'em when you want to.

It doesn't really matter, does it?

Piper, get Phil Griffin on the phone.

Tell him if I don't hear

from him by 5:
00,

those Super Bowl tickets

go to Phyllis McGrady!

...joins us

now with details. Roger.

It certainly is a happy day

here on Lincoln Road

between Bedford Avenue

and Rogers Avenue.

This is, yes, officials...

- We're live at five, people.

- OK.

Feathery, fleecy, flocculent?

- Oh, for Christ's sake.

- What? What's going on now?

Mike is offended by a word

in the next story.

He's offended.

It's about Easter chicks.

I'm not saying the word "fluffy."

It's bad enough I have to do

these ridiculous stories.

You know what, buddy?

Guess what? Last week,

I had to use the words "rectal"

and "moisture" in the same sentence.

- Well, first dates can be awkward.

- Mike!

- Becky...

- That's it!

- Becky, Becky, what are you doin'?

- I've had enough!

- Mike? I need to talk to you.

- Becky, we're back in 60.

I'm sorry, this'll just take a second.

I've looked up to you all my life.

You know that? I actually idolized you.

My dad and I used to watch you on TV.

So just, you know, imagine

my surprise when it turns out

that you're actually the worst person

in the entire world.

- Not the third worst! The worst!

- What's goin' on?

Pomeroy.

He broke the latest Daybreak EP.

...how lucky we all are

to have these jobs,

- how quickly that can be taken away.

- We're back in...

And there's this guy, this really

kind of great, smokin' guy

who can actually stand me

long enough to have sex with me.

And you know what? It's all just

a big mess. Because of you!

You know, nobody can do

their jobs well around here

because you can't be bothered

to do yours at all!

And we're back.

Welcome back to Daybreak. And now,

with a check of the weather,

- here's Ernie.

- Take Ernie on the plaza.

Thanks, Colleen. Surprisingly toasty day

out here, isn't it, folks?

Yeah!

Good day to break out the bikini.

I know I'm wearing mine right now.

All right. Well, what do we have here?

Goodness, honey.

I did not put her up to this.

- Coke? Diet Coke?

- No, I don't want a Diet Coke.

Step aside!

- Jerry, I would like to talk to you.

- You're gonna bust a cap in my ass?

What if I get the ratings up?

We've got six weeks.

What if I move that needle just enough?

- You won't.

- We'II, you're... you don't know that.

- Becky.

- There's got to be some number

I can hit that will give us a shot, that

would give us an extra six months,

- something.

- Sure, if you got over one point five

- or something absurd like that...

- Done! So I've got your word?

I get those ratings up more

than three quarters of a point,

- you give me more time?

- It won't happen.

We'll see about that.

And your girlfriend Lisa?

Can you get her a dictionary

and stick her on somebody else's show?

'Cause she's killing me.

Wow, well, look who the wind blew in!

What happened to you?

Well, we're gonna change a few things.

- OK.

- Is Ernie in place?

Yes, he is. He'll be interviewing people

as they come off the coaster.

No, he won't. Not anymore, he's not.

We're gonna put him on that coaster.

We're gonna strap a handheld to the car

in front of him and then go live. Boom.

It's called "picking up the game,"

people. OK? So from now on,

every single story that we do,

it's gonna have to be sensational!

We're gonna be more aggressive.

We're gonna work harder.

And we're gonna do it right now.

- Are, are you gonna?

- I'm not gonna sing!

Why do people ask me that?

So the big question is,

are we gonna be able to hear his mic?

Yes, we will.

If he has a heart attack,

we'll be able to capture

every heartrending scream.

- Really? Great.

- Cue her.

Thrill-seekers have something to look

forward to this summer

as Six Flags unveils

a brand-new roller coaster.

The "Manhandler" is

the fastest coaster in the U.S.

- With speeds up to 130 miles an hour...

- Stand Ernie by. Here we go.

...ninety-five degrees. Our own

Ernie Appleby is getting a sneak peek

at this amazing new ride,

isn't that right, Ernie?

- Standing by. Open his mic.

- Ernie, can you hear us?

Yes. Yes, I can. And so far,

it's a beautiful ride.

Quite an amazing view from up here.

Mostly blue skies.

Cumulus clouds on the horizon,

always a good sign this time of year.

Might be heading into our first dip.

Oh, my. Oh, my.

Oh, fu...

No!

Oh, yeah. No, this is a great idea.

- Please, make it stop!

- Take two.

What are you gonna do to him next?

Strap electrodes to his balls?

I actually felt sorry for that

animatronic puppet a**hole.

Hey, look, we got 80,000 hits

on YouTube already.

And Ernie is absolutely thrilled.

And by the way,

we had another bump

in the minute-to-minutes.

- Becky, good stuff.

- Thank you! Lighten up, Mike.

You know what I've noticed?

People only say, "Lighten up"

when they're gonna stick

their fist up your ass.

Well, you know what?

I hate to break it to you,

- but the fact is...

- Oh, my God, amazing segment.

Thank you. The world has been debating

news versus entertainment for years

and guess what?

Mike, your side lost.

- You know what?

- What?

You're wrong. People are smart.

They want information. Not junk, which

is all you're willing to give them.

- Junk. Sugar, sugar, sugar.

- Excuse me.

- OK.

- And more sugar.

Yeah, well, what would you

have them do, Mike?

Eat bran all day?

Fiber, fiber, fiber?

We have to get the ratings up, Mike,

or we can have a lot of high-minded

ideas and not be on the air.

This show may go down, but it's not

because I'm not trying my hardest.

You hear me? I don't care what you do,

but I'm not giving up.

I wanna talk to you. I wanna talk

to you right now about Ernie.

I wanna talk to you. I wanna talk

to you right now about Ernie.

- Oh, my God, you, too?

- Yes.

Why is everyone worried about Ernie?

You know, he's a grown man.

- Worried about Ernie? You kidding me?

- He signed release forms.

He's a hack.

Look, I see what you're doing.

I think it's great. It's exactly

what I've been waiting for,

so just, you know, sign me up, coach.

Put me in.

- Whatever you want to call it.

- Really?

Yeah.

Do you have any preexisting conditions?

Are you kidding? Look at me.

I'm a rock.

Would you like to hold him?

I would love to hold it,

dear little thing.

Watch it.

Careful he doesn't go in there.

Can you get it out though?

Mike wanted to be here for this.

Mike Pomeroy.

You know how he is.

He loves animals.

Have you just... You...

And then...

Those are frog lips.

Does a frog open its lips ever?

Ready four, take four.

Ready one. Take one.

Ready one. Take it.

- I would never do that.

- Kiss it.

How about a big kiss, sucker?

That's a little, that's wrong.

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