Moscow On The Hudson

Excuse me, please, sir.

Does this bus go to the Lincoln Center?

- Lincoln Center?

- Yes.

You're on the wrong bus.

It's okay, don't worry.

All you have to do is go to 57th Street,

change buses and get on the No. 30 bus.

Don't worry.

I'll let you know when it's time.

Then you go and get a free transfer

from the driver.

- Thank you.

- No problem.

It's tough getting around here at first.

I WANT TO GO TO ISRAEL

Toilet paper?

Shoes, I think.

They must be Czech or Polish

for such a line.

I don't know.

Size?

Forty-five.

No forty-fives left.

Forty-four or forty-six will do.

We only have thirty-eights.

I'll take three pairs.

Only two to a customer.

Two thirty-eights, then.

If you want to go on the New York tour

you'd better behave.

You are late. We're getting ready.

Don't you want to go to New York?

I couldn't help it.

Czech?

The queue was endless.

I wear a forty-two.

These are thirty-eight.

How much?

Forty roubles.

Forty?

I know you only paid twenty.

All right. I give them to you as a gift.

Why forty, you only paid twenty?

Did you lick his ass good? Was it tasty?

When you arrive in New York,

you must understand...

... that you are representatives

of the nation of the revolution.

Many people will take perverse pleasure in

tempting you with American decadence.

KGB pig!

They see you as targets for seduction.

Prostitutes will try to tempt you

with their unhealthy immorality.

And stay away from places

like the subway.

Times Square.

Greenwich Village.

Rockefeller Center.

I'm an artist, and an artist without freedom

is a bird without wings.

Watch where you drive, artist.

I know the same nausea is grabbing at you.

I am content.

Bullshit! You are a gear in a bad machine.

Don't you have a soul?

My soul is standing in line

at the food store.

Gasoline!

Fill them up.

See how corrupt we are.

America is not corrupt? France?

My soul is dying.

My stomach is growling.

Let's practice our English.

Let us practice. You start.

Hello, mister.

- Hello, mister. May I buy lamb chop?

- Sure thing, mister.

- Do you read Ernest Hemingway?

- Every f***ing day.

Kiss me, beautiful. Beautiful? Beautiful.

I love you.

Yes, my dear clown?

When we come to New York,

I'm going to defect.

- Why do you do this to me?

- I had to tell you that.

You know I am obliged

to report you to the authorities.

I want a Mercedes-Benz.

I want to piss in the wind.

I want to see Rio de Janeiro!

I want to see London! I want to see Paris!

Stop it.

Taxi, take me out of here!

I could be KGB.

Then my ass is already frozen.

Please. Be careful, my friend.

I hate my life.

Tonight at 9:
00, as usual?

Yes, see you.

Toilet paper?

Toilet paper or chickens, I'm not sure.

Toilet paper?

Top quality.

Thank you.

Leonid? You're back.

How is your music?

I still play for tigers and bears. And you?

Are you teaching?

No. I have a new job. I pave streets.

I protested Afghanistan...

I know. I heard.

They said I was crazy,

so they sent me to a mental hospital.

Were you crazy?

If I was really crazy, how would I know it?

We shall talk, Leonid.

Don't ever go crazy if you can help it.

You! Don't try to break in the line!

You found it! Congratulations, Vladimir.

Why does everyone in this family

make such a fuss over toilet paper?

Eating and going to the bathroom

are the secrets of happiness.

I've made some borsch, Vladimir.

I can't. I'm meeting Svetlana.

If you married her,

you'd get an apartment of your own.

I'm not ready for another marriage.

I like Svetlana.

Is she the one with the big tits?

You should have been a poet, Grandfather.

Oh, I almost forgot! Pickled mushrooms.

It would make me happy

to be a grandmother, Vladimir.

Look at those black people. What a mess.

Beautiful people and great musicians.

Do you know Duke Ellington?

There's a great tune: Take the 'A' Train.

Now we'll be arrested for sure.

Before we marry, you should join the Party.

It would help us get a good apartment.

You know I'm not a joiner.

It's a bit humiliating,

always borrowing Anatoly's place.

That's what friends are for.

Get away, you snoop.

I am going to report you to the police.

- May I kiss your lamb chops, beautiful?

- Okay, mister.

I have something for you.

You certainly know

how to get to a girl's heart.

It's for your soft, rosy bottom,

not your heart.

Will you miss me in America?

Yes.

You know, I am jealous of you.

Why?

I wish I could see America.

Yes, I am lucky.

I'd like to see it with my own eyes...

... the decadence...

... the crime, the poverty...

The inflation.

You know what I would like from America?

Blue jeans, my darling.

Jordache.

Sergio Valente...

And anything from Calvin Klein.

Too much vodka.

Hush, my Don Juan, hush.

There are whores in Gorky Park

who have carved my name on trees.

Horseshit! You smiling bastards.

Good morning, Grandfather.

Good morning, Vladimir.

Next they'll tell us

the crops are good this year.

The agricultural news

is excellent this morning.

Lies, tell us more lies.

You shouldn't talk that way, Father.

You have no respect for position.

Let them come and arrest me.

Let them take me away like Leonid,

the neighbor's boy.

Leonid is stupid.

He sympathized with the Afghans.

Trotsky was right.

They have dumped sh*t on the revolution

from head to toe.

You'll land us all in prison.

They're not looking for you.

You're not a dissident.

You're not Sakharov or Shcharansky.

Our leaders are only good for parades.

And they don't have any balls.

I've never seen the balls of our leaders.

Oh, you'll see them. In the next revolution.

They'll hang the balls of our leaders

on the walls of a museum.

Good morning, Vladimir Ivanoff.

I have done nothing.

Perhaps.

Nicholai Ivanoff is your grandfather?

Of course.

Your neighbors say he yells

anti-Soviet slogans out of the window.

He's an old man.

Makes rude gestures at people

doing their socialist duties.

He is a comedian. He likes mischief.

Perhaps he is senile

and should go to a mental hospital.

He is a war hero.

Please, I will talk to him.

It might be wiser for you

not to use the apartment...

... of your friend, Anatoly Cherkasov,

for your sexual encounters.

I have done nothing wrong.

Good. It might go well

for your grandfather...

... if you kept your eyes on Cherkasov.

He is only a clown.

Yes, but perhaps he wants

to clown his way out of the Soviet Union.

Goodbye, Vladimir Ivanoff.

Also, those f***ing shoes are killing me.

Vladimir, one day I'll perform on Broadway.

It will be a big sign:

"Anatoly Cherkasov

and Barbara Streisand."

America is magnificent.

They say it is customary to take towels.

Look, a giant prophylactic. It fits me.

Please speak English.

You promised. I must practice.

- Okay, mister.

- Thank you very much.

This television is a piece of crap,

just like in Russia.

My father will love this.

It must be smooth like velvet.

Stop thinking of your ass

and think about your soul.

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