Moscow On The Hudson Page #2

Don't play game with me, okay, pal?

Do you want to know why I am lucky

to share room with you, polodurak?

Because they want me to spy on you.

I sh*t on them!

Maybe this decadence attempt to lure us.

Then they have succeeded.

- What a country.

- What a country.

I really do want to go to Leningrad.

Tell me, do you like Barbara Streisand?

Yeah, she's wonderful.

Waiter, I'll have a Black Russian.

- Is something the matter?

- No, I am happy here be.

- Your English is excellent.

- So is your.

Veronica Cohen.

I teach Marxism at Columbia University.

Vladimir Ivanoff.

I am musician with circus.

Yes, I know.

You don't look like a Marxist.

I'm not. I'm a humanist.

What does a Marxist look like?

Usually has beard, moustache.

- The women, too?

- In Russia, especially women.

Excuse me. I am happy to talk to you,

but I must now to make toilet.

What about your president?

He was an actor before, just like us.

What about credibility with him?

I know what I will do.

Tomorrow, during the opening parade,

in my bicycle routine, I'll do it.

- I will defect.

- Good. They throw you right to bear.

Tomorrow is the day.

Think of your family.

Would you like to watch me

take a piss, comrades?

Soon we'll be back in Moscow.

Ladies and gentlemen, good day.

I hope it ain't as bad

as when we had them Chinese acrobats.

Them Italians came one time

and stole half the store.

They weren't Italians,

they were Romanians.

I thought they said they was from Rome.

See the game last night?

Yeah, Magic Johnson was the best guard

I ever saw.

What a pair of hands.

Buon giorno, Lucia, darling.

What a piece of lasagne.

You have only 30 minutes

to shop in Bloomingdale's.

Then we go to the airport.

My God!

What decadence!

Excuse me.

You must be Russian.

Yes, I am with the circus.

We heard you guys were coming today.

Let me tell you something.

I wish for peace among all nations.

I am looking for blue jeans.

We had a nuclear freeze demonstration

this year, and I marched.

"Make love, not war," we say.

Make love, for sure.

I look for blue jeans.

Blue jeans, right. Designer jeans?

Jordache, Calvin Klein?

You go straight back to menswear,

like where that pole is.

I am Russian, not Pole.

Yeah, I know.

Well, anyway, you go straight, okay?

Then you take a left.

You can't miss the Denim Den.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

I hope you have a nice stay in New York.

I go back to Moscow today.

Well, goodbye.

I will do it here.

Everyone watches here.

I don't give a sh*t.

I swear, I'll do it.

Do it! Go. Do!

Leave me alone. Go, do it.

Three items to a dressing room.

Gentlemen, please button your flies.

What are you doing?

No women in the dressing room!

Women don't belong in the dressing room!

They don't stay in the dressing rooms!

They can't be here. What do you mean...

I don't understand.

You're in America, speak English.

Are you feeling well, Anatoly?

You are pale and sweating.

It's nothing. Just a slight cold.

You know, different climate.

Soon you will be back in Moscow,

where the air is always clear.

- I can't do it.

- Good.

I am a bird without wings.

I'm sorry, my friend.

What are you guys doing?

Only one customer to a cubicle.

This ain't Russia.

Excuse me, sir.

Fags everywhere.

- Your wife will love Forbidden Fruit.

- Thank you.

Time to go.

Put Cherkasov and the others on the bus.

I would like to see some Forbidden Fruit.

Great. All right, I'll see you tonight.

Talk to you later.

Fabulous choice, sir.

Are you all right, sir?

Excuse me, sir. Are you all right?

Yes.

I suddenly feel dizzy.

Let's get you some H2O.

- I got a dizzy Russian on my hands.

- Take him home for supper.

- Is there a large gay community in Russia?

- How would I know? I'm not Russian.

The men's room is downstairs,

to the left of the escalator.

This ain't no health club.

- I defect.

- Say what?

Don't be grabbing on the uniform.

I have to supply the threads myself.

I defected.

You're not gonna do that here.

I told you where the men's room was.

Maybe I better take him.

I am Russian.

- I defect.

- You're about ready to get maced.

Oh, my God! Don't you get it?

He's defecting!

Code 2. We got a defection going on.

Style Boutique. Officer 14 on the scene.

Call the damn police!

You son of a b*tch!

Please, help me.

- Are you the one defecting?

- Yes, I in danger, KGB. Please.

I think it's safe.

I know the Russian is behind the counter.

Give him my card.

My name is Orlando Ramirez.

I'm a lawyer. I specialize in immigration.

You've got a lawyer.

Thank you.

Are you enjoying yourself?

Excuse me.

Get up. Stay here. Stay right here.

This is Officer 14.

The defector is between Este Lauder

and Pierre Cardin.

Officer, you must help me.

I want political asylum.

- I am a security officer, not a policeman.

- They will send me to a mental hospital.

- Who are these dudes?

- KGB. They will kill me.

- We are Soviet officials.

- Keep your hands off the man.

- Don't threaten me!

- I got Mace and handcuffs.

If that don't dissuade you,

I got a 6-inch razor that will end this talk.

Stay put until the authorities get here.

Call the embassy!

I want to keep my comrade

from making a big mistake.

I told you to back off!

You're in my jurisdiction which runs from

Style Boutique to Personal Fragrances.

So keep your hands off the man!

- What's going on here, Mr. Simpson?

- I don't know.

- Don't blame me. I was on the floor.

- Who knows?

Some Russian is running around

talking about defection.

We don't like that at Bloomingdale's,

and it's up to you to keep order.

Everybody on the bus.

Everybody back on the bus.

In the name of the Soviet Union, I protest.

This Soviet citizen has been drugged.

- I am not drugged.

- He's being held against his will.

Nobody is smoking no sh*t around here.

I've had it with you guys today.

Back off!

I'm Kaity Tong at Bloomingdale's

with a drama in American-Soviet relations.

Things are chaotic here,

but this is what we know so far:

Apparently, a member of the Russian

circus troupe, performing in New York...

...has decided to defect in,

of all places, Bloomie's.

Vladimir, I trusted you.

Now you do this to your family and to me.

You know what my life will be now?

Vladimir, have mercy.

You are a Russian.

Please, I will give you everything I own.

My sweet Volodnishka, please.

You will never see your parents

or your sister. Your grandfather...

... never.

I defect.

This is New York City.

A man can do whatever he wants.

The FBI has just arrived on the scene.

Gentlemen, a few questions.

How do you plan to handle this?

I'm Agent Ross

with the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

- Frank Williams, Justice.

- Mr. Ivanoff, let's talk.

Vladimir Ivanoff is a defector.

And this guy, I don't know who he is.

KGB, whatever that is.

- What exactly do you protest?

- You cannot permit him to defect.

It seems he's already defected.

Mr. Ivanoff, can you tell us

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