Motel Hell Page #2

Funny-looking critters,

ain't they, Vincent?

Yeah, maybe so.

But you know as well as I do...

it takes all kinds

of critters...

To make Farmer Vincent fritters!

This one.

It's like...

I've never really

tasted ham before.

It's true.

It's just impossible...

to go back to regular

smoked meats...

after you tried Vincent's.

You can't beat the flavor.

No wonder you're famous.

How come I never

heard of you before?

Well, Farmer Vincent's

meats are only distributed...

within a hundred mile radius.

That way, I can keep

the quality high...

and the cost reasonable.

So, how did you get started?

Well, in the old days,

we couldn't afford an icebox.

So Granny used to

smoke everything.

Chickens, rabbits, squirrels...

eels, even frogs.

If it didn't move fast enough...

Granny smoked it.

Well, we had this old dog, see,

and it used to bother Granny...

barking through her naps

and all that.

So one day she asked me

to shush it for her.

I shushed it, all right.

Yeah. He sure did.

He smoked that old dog

just like a hog.

That night Vincent

served it for dinner.

And Granny liked it so much...

she nearly ate

the whole pooch herself.

Oh, she was so grateful,

she taught Vincent...

all her smoking secrets.

She knew she was eating a dog?

Well, Granny never put

any distinctions...

on any of God's creatures.

She always used to say...

"Meat's meat,

and man's gotta eat."

She sure loved that old doggy.

Ew!

- Oh, it wasn't so bad.

- You tried it?

Sure. It was kind of like

goat meat, wasn't it, Vince?

Yeah, it's a little

more stringy.

Want to know why Vincent's meat

tastes so good?

- Why?

- What are you whispering?

She's telling me why

the meat tastes so good.

It's because he mixes

the pork with... ohh!

Because I mix the pork

with secret spices...

and Ida knows how important

that recipe is to me.

Yeah, let's take a walk.

OK.

I wouldn't have said

anything, you old fool!

Why did he hit her?

Oh, they like to tease

each other.

They're both a little...

different.

But they don't mean any harm.

So...

So... what?

So, you must be going

a little stir crazy...

up at that motel

with nothing to do.

Not at all.

It's been wonderful for me.

I never lived

in the country before.

I love it.

Oh...

You sound disappointed.

Oh, not at all.

I'm real glad.

I was just kind of

hoping you might want to...

go see the new movie

at the drive-in.

What is it?

It's "The Monster That

Challenged the World."

Sounds like fun.

Listen to 'em eat.

Ain't that a good sound, Ida?

Well, anything's better

than that damn hissing...

and wheezing.

Well, that's not

so much to complain about.

They're good animals.

Not like taking care

of chickens or hogs.

Cut out their tongues.

That would take care

of the hissing.

Hey, you could smoke

their tongues.

Well, I tried that.

Texture's all wrong.

Won't mix with the pork.

Hey, Vincent, I think this one

is just about ready.

Almost, but not quite.

Tomorrow he'll be

ready to become famous.

Hey, Vincent...

do you think in the years

to come...

people will appreciate us

for what we're doing here?

You do understand.

Well, of course I do, you dummy.

Do you think I'm doing

all this just for the fun?

Somebody's got to take

a little responsibility...

for the planet!

Ida, you sweetheart.

I'm sorry I underestimated you.

You better be.

Don't you just love

listening to the radio...

just enjoying all this

good music?

Oh, my gracious,

it's good to be with you.

We got one now

by Leroy Willie Washington,

and it's gonna really

turn you on.

He's there... he's right here

by your side.

Is this the drive-in?

Yep.

Not very funny, Bruce.

I think we better just

turn around and...

What the hell?

No wonder. Wrong tree.

Hold on a sec.

This is the Sheriff.

You are violating

the law and have...

exactly 2 minutes to clear out.

Now, move out, please.

Come on, move that Ford there.

Let's move it.

Let's go. Move it now. You, too!

You! Halt!

Now, get back in that vehicle...

before I make arrests.

Now, move your asses.

Move! Let's go.

Keep it moving, now.

Let's get that Vega

moving on, too.

I mean now. Let's go.

What was all that about?

You'll see.

There you go.

Now, look right down there.

All right!

- Yeah, Dixie?

- Moonlight drive-in.

- This is Bruce.

- Hi, Bruce.

Will you feed the sound

onto channel 22?

- Sure thing!

- Thanks.

Mommy!

Hey. This is great.

But how are you going to see?

1,500 bucks in 2 days.

That's what I call

a great weekend.

I wish that ski season

lasted all year.

Yeah, it was OK.

What's with you?

You know that instructor

I made it with for the lessons?

- The blonde?

- Yeah.

I think he had you-know-what...

Will you look at those

stupid cows!

I don't believe this.

Something's weird.

They look fake.

Is this some kind of a joke?

I don't dig the vibes here.

Why don't you just

drive around them.

I can't.

There's not enough room.

Come on. Move 'em, Debbie.

Just knock 'em over.

Are you gonna pay

for my bodywork?

Ah, sh*t, but you owe me

a big one.

Well, take the gun.

Forget it. You do it.

You chicken sh*t!

Let's get out of here.

No! No!

No!

Get help. Hear me?

Bruce...

Please don't.

OK?

Bruce! What are you...?

Somebody help me!

Somebody help me, please!

OK! All right.

I'm sorry.

I didn't say that.

You didn't?

No. And the movie just ended.

Dixie, this is Bruce.

Are you OK?

Yeah. But somebody's in trouble.

10-33. This is Sheriff Smith.

What's your 20?

Oh, no!

No!

What's your 20?

Do you copy?

What are you saying?

Talk in English!

Where are you?

What's wrong?

Somebody's trying to kill me!

Where are you?

Oh, no! I'm on Highway 52...

about 10 miles

outside of Grainville.

- Terry, check on that woman.

- How do I do it?

Press the button on the mike

and ask her where she is.

This is the Sheriff's car.

Where are you now?

I guess she can't hear us.

- Hey, look. I saw something.

- Where?

Up around that bend.

Nuts!

I'll get out and push.

Ok. Start slow.

Then when I yell, stand on it.

Ok. Stand on it!

Bruce?

There. That ought to hold it.

Nice work.

Aw, thanks, Vincent.

Poultice.

Who's that?

Brucey?

No. That ain't Bruce's car.

Did you turn on

the No Vacancy sign?

Whoops.

Well, I sure love you folks...

over there in Grainville...

listening to old Wolfman Jack.

Sure has been a pleasure

having you folks listen.

Here. Take a bite of that.

What is it?

Beef jerky. The best.

- Guess who owns this place?

- Roy Rogers.

No. Take a look at the label.

"Farmer Vincent."

Who the hell is that?

He makes the best meats

in the whole world.

I practically grew up on it.

Ugh! Really?

Well, that's just great, Guy.

What about the room?

I don't know.

There's nobody around.

Evening, folks.

Uh, we decided to retire

a little earlier tonight.

I can dig it.

"Early to bed, early to rise..."

Ha ha! If you get my meaning.

What can I do for you?

Well, uh, we'd like

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes