Mountain Men

Yeah, hi, Herschberger, what?

What?

Can I get like a half a quarter?

No! I'm at the f***ing

doctor's office

with Leah right now, okay?

-I'm off duty.

-Well, she...

And call it a f***ing eighth,

all right?

Like what the f***

is a half-quarter?

-It's a...

-F*** off, man.

What do I look like,

the weed fairy to you?

I just fronted you last week.

You got cash?

On me? No.

No? Shocker.

F***. Get out of here.

Get away from the f***ing car.

Get away from the car, man!

This is a place of healing!

Don't be such a f***ing

lowlife, man,

hanging out in the parking lot

of a hospital.

Get a life!

F*** you.

F*** you!

I'm sorry.

That f***ing creep.

He's like hanging out

in parking lots now.

Okay.

-What did he say?

-I am.

You are.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Did you, did you guys,

did you and the doctor

talk about, you know, options?

He just gave me a number

for a clinic in Kelowna.

Okay, I mean, you know,

hey, if that's your choice,

I'm with you 100%.

I support it, okay?

I'll take you

down to the clinic,

we'll go to Kelowna, okay?

Just, you know, not this weekend

because Cooper's coming...

-Holy sh*t.

-What?

Yes, I'm aware of that.

You won't shut up

about your f***ing brother.

I'm excited. I never get

to see the guy, you know?

Does he even call you ever

or like email?

Call me?

We don't call each other.

We don't like

gossip on the phone

like a couple

of little girls.

He's my bro.

He's my kid brother, you know.

We'll just always be tight.

-Coop's coming?

-My God, Herschberger.

What the f***, man? I'm...

I'm having a personal

conversation with Leah.

Hey, Leah.

I hear he's doing real good

in the city.

Yeah, he is.

He's doing really good,

which means he's doing

the opposite of you,

you f***ing idiot,

so please just f*** off!

Okay, listen.

I... I hit the ATM.

You what?

I hit the ATM.

-Toph?

-How much you got?

-40?

All right.

You're such a f***ing idiot.

You still owe me 40.

I'm not f***ing around,

Herschberger.

F*** you.

F*** you. Thanks, bro.

All right, man.

Thank you.

-Hey, Mom.

-Hey.

Wow.

-Hey-o!

-You look beautiful.

Stop it.

It's not too poofy?

-No.

-No, no. More poof, in fact.

-No, not more.

-Premium poof package, please.

You look smoking-hot, Mom.

Thank you, thank you.

Toph.

I need you to go grab some paper

plates at the dollar store.

No. I'm picking up Coop

from the airport.

Well, grab 'em after.

I don't understand

why you don't have

real plates

at your wedding.

Excuse me.

Do you want to pay

for china plates?

No.

Then what is

the matter with you?

What, are you embarrassed

of paper plates now?

Mom, I'm not embarrassed

of paper plates.

They're just not

particularly fancy.

Well, guess what.

Neither is this family.

Coop is.

For heaven's sake.

Cooper thinks he's fancy.

Yeah, for good reason.

He lives in a fancy city.

He works at a fancy company.

He's got a fancy girlfriend.

Thanks.

That's pretty fancy,

if you ask me.

Yeah, and before that, he lived

in a different fancy city

and had a different fancy job

and a different fancy girlfriend

and different one before...

Makes him even fancier.

-You know what?

-Yes.

I'll get your paper plates

for your wedding.

But I just want to say,

Coop is out there doing

something with his life, okay?

He's living it.

Well, look at this,

you're on a bloody walkabout,

ya f***ing ripper.

That's about right.

Let me get it, let me get it.

Come on, come on.

-All right.

-No I got it, I got it.

Have you been working out?

-How are you doing, man?

-I'm doing good.

My God, Cooper.

So you're still doing

the deejaying thing, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, man, full time.

Wheels o' steel,

little brother.

Spinning the wheels?

Know what I mean?

Ones and twos for life.

But, it's a little dead

around here

in the wintertime,

you know.

-Yeah.

-Snow kinda slows 'em down.

Mom says you had a girlfriend.

Is that a fact?

Monica. Yeah.

I guess she's

talking about Monica.

Monica.

That's so New York.

It's very Friends.

-She couldn't make it with you?

-No, no. She couldn't make it.

-Aw, that's a bummer.

-Yeah.

Is she hot?

Sometimes.

F*** you, she's hot, man.

Okay, all right,

well, let's scale here.

Scale of 1-10.

One being Nancy Kazinksi,

obviously, 'cause she was a dog.

We can agree on that.

Ten being...

F***. I guess there weren't

a lot of 10s

around here growing up.

There were no 10s.

All right, solid 8,

Dana Ackworth.

There's your scale. Go.

Dana Ackworth is an 8?

Yeah. Pushing a 9, I think.

Triple nipple Ackworth?

-She didn't have...

-That was the rumor.

You saw it.

I mean, if she's an 8,

Monica's a 12, for sure.

You're banging a 12.

On the Ackworth scale.

You're f***ing banging a 12?

Strong work, little brother.

Holy sh*t!

I wouldn't even know

where to begin with a 12.

I'd just be like,

"Wuh! Whoops!"

So how long you gonna stay?

Monday.

-Like, this Monday?

-Yeah.

That's two f***ing days, man.

I got a whole list of sh*t

I want to do with you.

Like what?

Like what? I want to like

get drunk at The Point,

I want to get drunk

at Tommy's,

I want you to meet Leah.

Stuff.

Yeah, well, Mom's got a lot of

stuff planned too, you know.

-I gotta hang out with Mom.

-Come on, man.

So what, two days

every three years now?

-That's what I get?

-Get out of here.

You get a chance

to sign those papers?

No. Actually, they're

still with my lawyer.

Why? Like as far as

the estate's concerned,

he's legally deceased, right?

Yeah, well, not till

I sign it though.

Right, which would really

help out Mom, if you did that.

And you.

-What?

-Yeah.

If I sign, you get

your part of the estate.

Yeah, right,

I get my part of jack sh*t.

That's awesome.

I can't wait for that.

Well, listen, my lawyer's

in Italy for the winter,

so when he gets back,

he'll take a look at it.

How about that?

Holy sh*t.

My lawyer is in Italy.

He winters there.

Maybe we could like

put those two in touch.

They could hash it out over

a plate of fettuccine alfredo.

-F*** off.

-Something creamier?

My God.

No. No!

Is this it or what?

Please be seated.

Welcome to this happy occasion.

I'm gonna steal this.

Coop, please move on

with your life.

You wanted space,

you got it.

I actually feel sorry for you.

And by the way, Dr. Levin's

been leaving messages,

and I highly suggest

you call him

because you need help.

Bye.

F***.

Brojangles.

-Hey, man.

-Hey.

What's the problem?

They preaching a bit too much

Jesusism at you in there?

Just had to make a call.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

How's the 12?

Hard to say.

Yeah, they're a mystery,

my brother.

Drink up.

So you're cool

with this whole thing then?

Yeah, man.

The wedding?

Live and let live.

Plus he makes Mom happy,

so that makes me happy.

Okay, it just

happened all so fast.

I don't know, you know?

So you want to maybe head up

to the cabin tomorrow?

-Excuse me?

-Cabin.

Wanna hit the cabin

tomorrow?

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