Mountain Men Page #2

I just ran into Bill Foreman

in the pisser.

We had a little chat,

and he told me he was

snowmobiling up there,

and he saw a squatter.

A squatter in the cabin.

In the cabin, like a hobo,

an old Doukhobor up there.

You know, I thought

we'd like take the truck.

I got the chains.

We'll go for a rip.

Make a whole day out of it.

Kick him out.

No.

You're gonna make me go evict

the squatter on my own.

-Yeah.

-Come on, man.

What if he's dangerous?

Just call the cops.

Can't call the cops, man.

They won't go up there

in the winter. You know that.

Think of the resale value.

He's probably like

pissing and shitting

in every nook and cranny

of the place.

No. Yeah, no,

I'm not gonna do that.

-Still no.

-No.

So no.

-Come on, it's freezing.

-Ken and Marian, 2014!

Hey! Be careful with those.

They're a strong batch.

Baby, they take my muse

to a whole nother level.

Come on!

-Come on. Come on!

-No, no.

I can't. I can't, Mom.

Please stop.

Don't you remember

doing the jitterbug with me

in the kitchen?

Remember?

I mean, I'm scarred for life.

All I want is one dance

with my baby boy.

Mom, I don't want

to dance right now.

Thank you.

Look, Mom, I'm sorry

for yelling, but...

Shut up and listen to me.

Okay.

Your father is dead.

Jesus, Mom.

Yeah, I know.

I don't think you do, Cooper,

because you weren't here.

This is supposed to be

a celebration.

It is.

We're going bowling tomorrow.

-Bowling?

-Yes, bowling.

And I'm putting you

on the same team as Ken

so you can bond

because you're family now.

Well...

Toph said he's gonna take me

up to the cabin, actually,

-so I'm gonna have to...

-The cabin? What for?

There's a squatter.

And he's like

defecating everywhere.

It's awful.

Father, give me strength.

Don't say that.

Okay, fine, go.

But I want you

to do something for me.

Anything.

I want you to talk

to your big brother.

He's not doing

as well as he lets on.

Road trip, britches!

Yahoo!

Come on, say it.

Whoo!

Did you bring a flashlight?

We are prepared

for every eventuality.

-How are you even doing that?

-Doing what?

That's just so wrong.

I've never heard of a law

against it.

Give it here.

You're honking.

All right, f*** it.

Think you can handle it?

Think you can handle

that p*ssy toker?

Yeah. I used to smoke

a ton of weed in high school.

A ton.

-A ton.

-What?

This makes me paranoid now

that I don't smoke it.

Not around me you didn't.

Yeah, 'cause you would've

f***ing smoked it all.

That's a good point.

Yeah.

How's that?

Yeah!

Still got it.

Thanks, dude!

Hi. This is Monica.

Please leave me a message.

Hey, look, I don't blame you

for not picking up, okay?

I just hope you've

had enough time to realize

that I made

the right decision.

Even if I didn't make it

in the most mature way possible.

You said it yourself that

your path is leading back to LA

and, you know, who knows

where I'm gonna end up?

Anyway, it's not that I didn't

have strong feelings for you.

I did. I did.

It's just that I didn't think

we were a good bet, that's all,

So I promise this is the last

time I'm gonna bother you.

All good?

Yeah.

Sweet.

So what exactly is our plan

for this squatter?

Kick him the f*** out.

Do we have any weapons?

Anything?

I think there's

a didgeridoo in the back.

You got a didgeridoo.

That's great.

You thought of everything.

He's probably just some hobo.

You know, he's a hobo.

Yeah, with a sawed-off shotgun

and a f***ing copy

of Mein Kampf.

That is the big city talking

right there.

You sound nuts, man.

God, I forget

how far up this was.

Yeah, well it's the middle of

the middle of nowhere, man.

So Dad was living up here

full time?

What the hell

was he thinking?

He was thinking that

civilization is for pussies

and that the government

was spying on him, obviously.

Something about Peak Boyle.

What, and no one tried

to reason with him?

Reason was not really

his thing by the end.

Whoa, you gonna march

right in there?

I'm sorry. After you.

No, it's okay.

You go ahead.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Squatter, show yourself!

Here, squatty squatty squatty.

Come here.

Not gonna hurt you, bud.

Just want to get you out.

Hey! Squatter!

Must have cleared out.

Nobody's here?

Doesn't look like it.

Jesus, look at this place.

This squatter's

a f***ing whack job.

What? No,

this is all Dad's sh*t.

Pretty much

the way he left it.

And, Bill's sure

he saw someone.

Who knows? Yeah.

Looks like dude is gone,

so we should just like hang out,

stay here,

enjoy ourselves a bit.

I'll get the food out

of the car, light a fire.

You seem like you could use

a little R&R.

What's that supposed to mean?

Mom. She's a little

worried about you.

Mom?

Mom's worried about you, man.

She asked me to talk to you.

Talk to me about what?

-Your life.

-F***, man.

She told me to talk to you

about your life.

Well, some people

don't change.

That sneaky b*tch.

She's such a sneaky

little f***er.

That's what she does, man.

She's a manipulator.

She plays us against each other.

That's why Dad left.

You think Mom drove Dad away?

Well, she wasn't exactly

supportive of his issues.

Have you taken

a look around, man?

What part of this f***ing crazy

shack is not sinking in for you?

Anyway, maybe Mom was right,

you know?

She's got a f***ed-up way

of going about it,

but we haven't talked

to each other in a long time.

Well, what exactly

do you want to talk about?

F***ing big old titties.

What else?

-Big old titties?

-Yeah. Porno mags.

Whatever.

We'll talk about whatever, man.

F***ing grown-up brother sh*t,

you know?

We'll talk about it

on the drive home.

Let's just get going.

Please, it's a long drive.

No, we're not gonna drive

that logging road in the dark.

Forget it. That's a f***ing

accident waiting to happen.

Let's just stay. We'll leave

first thing in the morning.

-God, man.

-Come on.

You got any booze?

Do I got any booze?

Whoops.

Can't believe you guys

just left all his sh*t here.

Hey, whatever happened

to his lucky hat?

That fur hat he always wore.

I don't know.

Maybe it wasn't so lucky.

Sh*t.

Yeah, well, I think Bill

was right about the squatter.

Somebody has definitely

been here recently.

Bam. Chicken a la Topher.

Or Chicken Cordon Toph.

Come get some.

Yes, sir!

I think you're gonna like

this sh*t, I guarantee.

What's on it?

Soy sauce and ketchup.

It's an umami bomb, bro.

Heard about it

from Bobby Flay.

Like, not from him,

but on TV.

Hey, what was that?

It's the wind, man.

You're losing it.

How many cocktails

have you had?

He's not coming back, okay?

We probably scared

the sh*t out of him.

So even if he does come back,

we'll just lock the door,

all right?

Come on, your umami bomb's

getting cold.

Sh*t. I think

the battery is frozen.

This is really not good, man.

I have no service.

I gotta make this flight.

I should've brought my tools.

We could start a fire

under the car, thaw it out.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes