Mountain Men Page #3

You want to build a fire

near the car?

Yeah. It's something people do.

Thaw out car batteries.

Okay.

Let's get the f***

out of here!

Get out of there!

Why does sh*t like this

always happen to me?

My whole f***ing life.

We have it in our DNA.

What?

The men in our family

carry a f***-up gene.

Bullshit.

Grandpa was in jail

most of his life.

Dad was...

Dad was troubled.

You're a drug dealer.

What?

-Well, aren't you?

-What are you talking about?

Quit playing this game, man.

I'm a f***ing

professional deejay.

Yeah?

And...

I sell like a little bit of weed

to my friends, okay?

Happy now? Is that what you

wanted to get out of me?

Yes.

DNA. There's no f***ing...

You're a Pollard, man.

How are you f***ed up?

Big shot living in New York.

You got a 12 for a girlfriend.

Woe is you. Waa.

You know what?

Just forget it, man.

Mom knows we're here, right?

So if we don't

show up today,

someone will come

looking for us.

Actually,

I may have told Mom

that we would be up here

for a few days.

What?

I thought we were gonna have

a brother breakthrough thing

or whatever.

Obviously I was wrong.

But, you know, anyway,

realistically

I don't think anybody is going

to get concerned about us

until like Monday.

Monday?

Yeah, that's why I brought

so much food.

We have no shelter.

Yeah, because

you burned it down.

What did you say to me?

You burned down our shelter

because you lit

my f***ing truck on fire.

You...

Your f***ing piece of sh*t truck

wouldn't start.

Whoa! A little respect for the

recently deceased, all right?

F***!

F*** your f***ing recently

deceased truck, all right?

Hey, f*** you!

I put it out of its misery.

You did start the fire.

See? You f***ing liar.

Yeah, the truth will out,

my friend. What are you doing?

What does it look like

I'm doing?

I'm walking.

20 miles in deep snow?

Yeah, half that

if we go north.

You want to go

over the ridge?

Yeah. We used to walk it

with Dad.

Yeah, in the summertime,

you f***ing whack job.

What are you talk...

The road, man.

The road is

the safest way to go.

Not if you don't make it

before dark.

We don't have the gear

to camp out, Toph.

There's an emergency shelter

up the ridge.

We can stay there tonight

and walk back to the main road

in the morning.

It may be really, really hard

to get lost and freeze to death

in Manhattan,

but look where you are, Coop.

-Did you take a look around?

-Just stay, man.

I'll find help and bring 'em

back to you. How's that sound?

You're gonna leave me here?

I have a plane to catch.

What...

What's the big deal with

catching this plane, man?

It's not like you can

get a direct flight

to New York, right?

I'm not going back to New York.

What? Where are you going?

Sydney.

Australia?

Yep.

What's in Australia?

A new job.

A new...

When were you gonna tell me?

I wasn't.

You weren't gonna...

Why the f*** not, man?

That's bullshit.

Because I already

made up my mind, man.

I knew you and Mom

would flip out

and try

and talk me out of it.

What about Monica?

Is she going?

Nope.

So you broke up with her.

More or less, yeah.

Holy sh*t.

You didn't tell her either,

did you?

You didn't f***ing tell her?

The problem was she was

getting attached.

She was starting to need me.

You know how f***ing annoying

that is?

No, I don't, because

that's what people do, Coop.

They need each other.

Yeah, well, I don't.

Wow. you're f***ed up.

Piss break.

What?

-Piss break.

-Yeah, good idea.

That's what I thought you said.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

Can't you do anything

by yourself? F***.

What are you

talking about, man?

You used to love

pissing with me.

-Yeah, when I was a kid.

-Remember that?

Playing Ghostbusters.

Don't cross the streams.

It would be bad. Right?

Pissing on Toph's foot,

that was your favorite game.

What are you worried about?

You got that good dick.

Must have got that

from Mom's side.

I got Dad's stupid old dick.

My condolences.

Man.

Good golly.

Do you remember any of this?

Yeah, sure.

I don't.

Well, good thing

I'm the leader then, right?

-So we're going north?

-Yep.

How do you know?

Well, as long as we go up,

we'll eventually hit the ridge.

That's your master plan,

go up?

Yeah. You have

any better ideas?

So, what do you think

about Leah?

Who?

My girlfriend, d*ckhead.

F***, I'm sorry, man.

I knew that.

Yeah, her.

She seems nice.

You know, a little young.

Yeah, I thought you might

say that, but she's like,

she's super mature.

She's an old soul, you know?

Yeah.

Well, you guys seem

really good together.

Yeah?

She's a bad-ass baker too.

She does all this vegan stuff

with like multigrains

and super grains.

People go apeshit

for that stuff around here.

Yeah. I remember.

We're actually thinking about

starting our own bakery.

We scouted this sweet spot

over on Cedar Street.

It's got a wood fire oven

and everything. It's all set.

Sounds great, man.

Yeah.

Only b*tch of the bunch

is that, you know,

the deposit's like 5 grand,

which we don't have right now.

What?

Is this about the estate?

No.

No, but, you know,

if you would sign it,

it might help us out

a little bit.

You said there was

no more money.

Well, I mean, there might be

enough in there for the deposit.

Jesus. All that sh*t

about bonding?

You're after some cash?

-No.

-God, I told you, man.

I gave them to my lawyer

to look over.

When he looks over them,

he'll give them to me and...

Leah's pregnant.

She's pregnant.

Yeah, I just found out.

Wow.

A baby.

You think that's a good idea?

I mean, look,

I'm just shocked.

Are you?

Yeah, I know the feeling.

Let me ask you something.

Do you think

I could be a father?

It doesn't matter.

You know what?

We're not having it anyway,

so f*** it.

My f***ing God.

Come here.

Look familiar?

No, not really.

None of this

is ringing a bell?

-No.

-Well, it f***ing should.

We just took a piss

on those trees, man.

-Where? Are you sure?

-Yeah, I'm sure.

You want me to go get you some

yellow snow, bring it over here?

-We're f***ing lost, man.

-We're not lost.

Yeah, we are.

We may have gotten

turned around a little bit.

F***, you have such a sh*t

sense of direction.

-I do not.

-Yeah, you do.

God's a fair guy.

Good dick,

bad sense of direction.

It's getting f***ing late out.

We have no idea where we are.

What the f***

are we gonna do, man?

Just relax a little bit,

all right?

We'll build a shelter.

-You want to build a shelter?

-Yeah.

-Out of what?

-Snow.

Sn...

You want to build a...

What are you,

a f***ing Eskimo now?

No. I watch survival shows,

all right?

You build a snow cave.

That's what you do.

-A cave.

-Out of snow, yeah.

A cave made out of snow.

Yeah, and it's Inuit,

you f***ing racist.

Is this what you're doing

the rest of your life?

You just pretend you know

what you're talking about

and people go along with it?

-Yeah.

-My God, we're so f***ed!

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