Mountain Men Page #4

What are you

f***ing doing? We're f***ed!

Help! Help!

Jesus, would you

shut the f*** up?

F*** you!

I'm trying to f***ing get help.

-Shut up and help me.

-You want me to help you?

-Yeah, I can help you, man.

-That'd be great.

Let me check the structural

integrity of your snow cave.

-What the f*** are you doing?

-Boom. Avalanche.

F***ing suffocated in our sleep.

Two dead Inuits.

Can you act like a grownup

for once in your life?

F***.

F*** you!

Eat snow, you f***er.

-F***!

-All right!

I got snow in my eye.

F*** your eye.

F***.

God.

I shouldn't be here.

What the f*** is that?

There was ribbon like that

in the cabin.

There's another one.

-Where?

-Right there.

Dad marked the route to

the emergency shelter. Come on.

Yes!

We made it.

Thanks for the help, d*ckhead.

What's that?

It's a wilderness survival

guide.

And guess who wrote it?

I don't know.

F***ing William Shakespeare?

Dad.

"The illusion

of safety is necessary

for society to function.

My goal in writing this guide

is to teach ordinary people

how to survive when

that illusion evaporates. "

It's so weird that Dad

actually wrote these words.

Yeah. That's him, all right.

You missed his whole

Chuck Norris phase.

"Every environment,

whether urban, rural... "

Rural? Rural.

-Rural.

-Rural, yeah.

Rural, rural.

Ru-ral. Rural?

Rural.

Rural or desert.

Hey, how many of those cookies

did you eat?

I only had like

two of your cookies.

-Two?

-Yeah.

Okay.

All right, yeah,

you'll be fine, I think.

-Why wouldn't I be fine?

-I think you'll be fine.

You're gonna get

a little high.

Not PCP high or anything,

but you're gonna get, you know,

you're gonna get high.

The cookies were drugged.

Not drugged.

They're made with pot butter.

Leah makes them.

They're like, you know,

buzz-worthy.

You fed me pot cookies?

No. I think, technically,

you fed yourself pot cookies.

-Man.

-You're gonna be fine.

You're gonna be better

than fine, actually.

-I'll have one.

-No! No, no, no, no!

One of us has to

stay not high as a kite.

-I'll just have one.

-No, stop!

Okay, take it easy, man.

I'll be the designated

survivalist for a bit, okay?

We got shelter.

We know where we are, right?

Take a breath.

Relax, relax, man.

Sh*t, that got

on top of you quick.

I'm gonna make us

some dinner, okay?

Yes.

Hey.

Why do you think

he left that?

I guess,

he didn't mean to.

He must have...

What, died?

Yeah.

Unless...

Unless what?

Unless he isn't dead.

My God.

Okay, here we go.

They never found a body.

Coop.

-What?

-I know you feel bad

about whatever you said to him

last time you were here,

but it's not your fault.

What?

For the fight you guys had.

Whatever.

You had a fight last time

you were in town, right?

So what?

So nothing. I'm saying

whatever that fight was about,

you can't hold yourself

responsible

for all the f***ing crazy sh*t

he did after that.

I don't.

Okay, good.

I mean, like...

what did you say?

Jesus, man.

This is a f***ed-up thing to

lay on me when I'm getting high.

No, no, no. I'm saying

you shouldn't blame yourself

if you do.

We had some stupid

argument, okay?

I don't even remember

what it was about.

Well, okay.

Men.

It was about men.

You had a fight about men?

I told him he wasn't one,

and that he never

taught me how to be one.

Yeah.

I mean I wasn't wrong

about that, was I?

Do you feel like a man?

I don't know.

Like a man-man?

Not really, no.

We're definitely supposed

to feel like man-men by now.

You think so?

Yeah.

You know you're pretty likable

when you're high?

Like super relatable.

It's nice.

It makes me wish you weren't

moving to f***ing Australia.

I think I have to pee.

I'm not sure.

Or piss.

Don't overthink it.

Just do it. Go.

I'm doing.

Wow, I'm tall.

Yeah, not really.

Wow.

Wow.

Coopy!

Coop! Come on back, bud!

All right,

come on back, dude!

Coop!

It's not cool, wasteoid!

Where are ya?

Coop?

Coop!

My God.

Sh*t.

F***, are you okay?

Are you okay?

What happened?

I fell.

Holy f***.

Are you okay?

My leg.

Which one, which leg?

This one.

All right, that one.

That one's it. Sh*t.

Okay...

What do I do?

Coop, what do I do, man?

Coop, what do I do?

Okay, all right,

all right, all right.

You're hurt,

you're hurt.

We shouldn't move you.

We'll just...

We'll stay here until

the sun comes up, okay?

Sh*t, you're

gonna be cold. Hang on.

Okay.

You're gonna be okay.

You're gonna be

all right, okay, bud?

My flight.

I know.

I don't think you're

gonna make that, bud.

F***.

F***.

My God! God.

Breath. Take a deep breath.

God!

Breath, breathe with me.

-Okay.

-Breathe.

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Listen.

Deep breath.

Calm down, okay?

Listen, listen, listen.

Listen to me.

Listen to me.

I think you broke your leg.

I think you broke your leg.

But, but, but, but...

No, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no!

Yes, yes, I know, I know,

but hey!

Hey, good news is I think I know

how to put it in traction, okay?

I'm gonna try. Yeah.

Okay.

-I'm gonna touch your leg.

-God.

-Be gentle, be gentle.

-All right.

F***. Okay, straighten

your other leg.

There we go.

All right.

Have to get the jeans

out of the way.

Okay, that's enough.

Okay. Can you

bend your leg at all?

I don't know.

I'm gonna move it

a little bit, okay?

All right.

God. Jesus.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Yeah, I think you

fractured your tibia.

What?

It's all here

in the book, man.

It says I gotta reset the bone

to stop it from grinding.

God.

It seems really solid, man.

There's like diagrams in here

and everything. Look.

Okay.

All right.

Here we go.

F***.

Okay...

Okay, I have to tuck this

up under your belt loop.

All right.

Holy sh*t!

What are you doing?

All right, there's one.

-F***.

-Ready?

Take a deep breath.

Here we go.

Okay, okay.

Got it, got it.

Who's a tough guy?

You a tough guy?

You're my big tough guy?

Yeah, I'm a f***ing tough guy.

Shut up.

Okay, here we go.

F***.

I know, I know, I know.

Okay. Hold on, hold on.

Lie back.

Lie back, man, relax.

Okay, f***.

This next one's gonna suck sh*t.

I'm not gonna lie.

Yeah, I bet.

Take a few breaths, all right?

You ready?

Okay, here we go.

One...

two...

three.

F***, man!

-Cinch your belt up, Coop.

-What?

Cinch up the belt, man!

Tight, tight, tight, tight!

Okay, cinch it up, man!

Come on!

Okay, there we go.

I'm gonna put it down.

Put it down.

Holy sh*t.!

-Holy sh*t, man.

-How's that? Did that work?

Did that work?

It hurts like f***.

It feels a bit better though?

I don't know.

Maybe. Maybe.

-Maybe?

-Yeah.

Coming down!

Yeah.

What is that?

I'm making a sled.

There we go.

-Like a toboggan?

-Yeah.

Like one of those

ski patrol things

you take down the mountain,

you know what I mean?

Nuh-man.

I'm waiting for the airlift.

What f***ing airlift?

We gotta get you

to a hospital now.

Look, we'll be fine.

We can follow the ravine down

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