Mountain Men Page #5

right from here.

See? No problem.

I'm not going down the mountain

in your MacGyver sled, man.

It's the wrong call.

Coop, people die alone

in these mountains.

I'm not leaving you here.

Don't be an idiot.

Hey, this idiot

just set your busted leg.

We'll go slow, all right?

Nice and easy.

Better, right?

-It still hurts.

-Yeah.

So are you gonna tell me

why you're leaving your job?

I can't. I signed

a non-disclosure agreement.

Hey, man,

I pull, you disclose.

All right. I thought my boss

was plotting against me,

and I tried to get him fired

and take his job.

Holy sh*t.

I thought it'd be a good idea

to send a company-wide email

accusing him of sabotaging

the whole project,

trying to f*** my girlfriend,

embezzle a bunch of money.

You know,

the usual complaints, man.

So Monica made me see

some shrink

who cost a shitload of money

and had no idea

what he was talking about.

Whatever.

New York's overrated anyway.

Yeah, New York,

I'm over it.

Toph, Toph, go slower, man!

I'm sorry.

I'm trying to avoid the bumps.

Okay, all right, man,

stop, stop, stop, stop.

I can't do this anymore.

Take me back.

Hang on, hang on.

All right.

-Dr. Toph is in the house.

-Stop calling yourself that.

Fine. Topher, MD.

I got some meds for ya.

No, man!

I'm not taking one of those.

That's what got me into this

whole ordeal in the first place.

What about those pills

in your bag?

What are those for, are they for

pain, or are they like crazy pills?

-You went through my bag.

-No, I didn't.

I was putting your credit card

back, and I saw them there.

What are they for?

Nothing, man. They're garbage.

I'm not taking them.

All right.

Well, these are not garbage.

These bad boys

are certified organic.

So take it.

You really think it's a good

idea for me to be high as a kite

while I descend the mountain

with a broken leg?

Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

It's my professional opinion.

We shouldn't be here, man.

Where?

Here.

None of us.

Who, people?

Yeah. Humans.

All right, well, f*** it.

We're here anyway, right?

Just gotta go with it.

We grew up around

these mountains.

You feel like

you're part of them.

But you're not.

Whoa, whoa, Toph!

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

What?

Come here.

What, man?

Come here.

F***. What's going on?

Someone's following us.

I highly f***ing

doubt that, Coop.

No, no, no,

I saw someone.

Where?

In the forest.

Okay.

Well, why would someone

be following us, Coop?

Maybe the squatter.

We burned down his cabin,

remember?

Okay. Sh*t.

So now he's like what,

he's like big game hunting us?

-Is that the trip we're on?

-I don't know what he wants.

All right, listen to me.

Is it possible

that the pot cookies

have just gotten on top of you

a little bit?

They can f*** with your head.

I'm not f***ing

hallucinating, Toph.

I know about hallucinations.

This isn't one of them.

Okay.

All right, okay, okay.

Look, look.

Let him follow us then.

If he wants to show himself,

he will, right?

-Yeah.

-Right?

-Yeah.

-That's the plan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, let's get moving.

I'll be quiet.

I'll be quiet.

All right, all right.

I gotta look at the map.

I gotta...

Okay.

What's it say?

F***.

-It says that's the way down.

-That's the way down?

Sh*t! That's what it says.

Hang on.

Hey, you got any more

of those cookies?

All right, so there's

a little bit of a drop,

but nothing we can't handle.

I mean, okay,

it's pretty steep.

Just go without me, man.

Seriously.

-What?

-Scramble down there,

you can find help

and come back up.

-I need to look at the leg.

-What for? What for?

Just don't worry.

I'll be gentle.

Just give me a sec.

Just a little status update.

How's it look?

A few too many colors

of the rainbow, dude.

I don't think you can hack

another night in the cold, man.

We got lucky last night.

Seriously.

We can build a shelter.

Yeah.

What, another snow cave?

We'll be good.

Listen, this is gonna

sound crazy,

but I think I know

how we can get you down.

We got a sh*t ton of rope

in the sled,

and there's a clear drop

to safety, right from there.

We tie it to the sled,

and I lower you down.

It'll be the airlift

that you wanted,

except, you know,

it's an airdrop.

All right, Toph, listen.

There's no f***-up gene, man.

I mean, you're not f***ed up.

Obviously.

You've taken us this far,

so let's not push our luck,

all right?

You're talking

f***ing crazy sh*t, man.

Throwing me over the edge?

Hah! No!

I'm not gonna leave you here.

I'm just not.

Okay.

God.

Sh*t.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What, what, what?

-Okay, what?

-F***.

If you drop me,

I'm gonna f***ing kill you.

I'm not gonna

f***ing drop you, man.

It's coiled around

the stump right here

and tied to the tree back there.

I got you.

That's what I'm worried about.

I'm gonna unwrap this

one coil at a time.

You go down in these small,

smooth little chunks, okay?

Go slow.

All right. I'm gonna push you

over the edge now.

-Okay?

-Okay.

Here we go.

Piece of cake.

All right, all right,

all right.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Motherf***er!

Okay, okay.

-You all right?

-Sh*t!

That first part is, I guarantee,

the bumpiest part.

Are you okay?

No!

Anything new broken?

No, I'm fine.

Just hang tight.

I'm gonna start unraveling.

Dude, go slow!

What happened to slow?

F***.

Do not drop me, Toph!

Whoa!

Coop!

What?

How much farther to the ground

do you think?

Like...

10 or 15 feet?

Which is it, 10 or 15?

Say f***ing 12.

All right, yeah, no sweat.

No sweat. Hang tight.

All right.

What are you doing up there?

Sh*t.

F***! Okay.

Coop! You okay?

Yes!

Get down here,

you crazy motherf***er!

Yes!

F*** yes!

Yes!

I don't know

what I was f***ing thinking

dragging your ass

all over this mountain.

This is the ticket

right here.

I got this sh*t on lock,

brother.

All right.

Don't get cocky.

I think a little cockiness

is in order!

Did I or did I not just do

a f***ing amazing thing?

You threw me off a cliff.

"Threw" is a bit of

a hurtful word.

All right,

how about "launched?"

All right, I may have

slightly miscalculated

the length of the rope.

Give me a break.

I'm a pot dealer,

not a f***ing mountain climber.

Well, maybe you should look

into mountain climbing.

That was pretty badass.

Hold on, hold on, are you saying

I did something right?

All right, it wasn't

a total disaster.

-Thank you.

-Yeah, you're welcome.

-You're not a complete retard.

-Not a complete retard?

Coopy, I'm blushing.

That's the nicest thing...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

-F***!

-Whoa!

-Sh*t.

Coop! Coop!

Coopy! I'm coming, man!

Coop!

F***!

F***.

Sh*t.

Put your head back.

Hang in there, buddy.

Hang on.

Okay. How you doing?

You hanging in there?

Fire.

We need a fire.

Okay. Come on.

Come on.

F***.

Come on, come on, come on.

F*** you, f***er.

Yes.

Okay, yes.

Coop, Coop, look.

I got some fire, buddy.

I built us a fire.

There we go.

All right, roll over.

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