Mousehunt Page #5

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I can't!

(Sobs) God!

Look at him just lying there.

It just doesn't feel

very sportsmanlike.

Do something! He's coming to.

(Scratching)

Ah, I forgot to put holes in the box.

(Laughing wickedly)

Hasta la vista,

you little rat bastard!

- Come on. We got work to do.

- Two days till pay-day, my friend.

It's the architectural find

of the decade. Oh, let's go...

- Shall we?

- Yes.

- It wasn't easy, but we made it.

- Mm-hmm.

Ernie, I want you

to have something.

Pop's lucky piece of string.

- I'm glad you kept it.

- He, uh, he wanted us to share it.

I don't know why, but...

I think if he were here right now,

he'd be proud of you.

I think he'd be proud of us.

Hello, ladies.

How magnificent! Welcome!

Lars, you remember lngrid and Hilde.

(Both) Hello.

(Ernie) Ladies, your hair

is positively biblical!

(Together) Oh, thank you.

Well, if you will excuse me,

I have to check on my crepes.

Keep the champagne coming. The

more they drink, the higher they bid.

You boys put on quite a shindig here.

Thank you so much, Mr Falko.

You know, it would be

very, very sad...

if you boys put on this auction

and nobody bid.

That would put a real crimp

in our evening, but...

there's no danger of that.

I don't know. There's a lot of

Eurotrash scarfin' the shrimps.

I tell you what.

You call off the auction...now...

and I will write you a cheque...

for ten millions.

As insanely generous as that is,

I have to decline,

but I appreciate

your thoughtful concern.

Enjoy the party.

Are you interested in spooling?

Oh, sure. My father...

I mean, my brother and I

own a string factory.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

I would love to see

your factory sometime.

Really?

April. What a surprise.

Dropping by for no reason, I suppose?

Does a wife need a reason?

Oh, are you entertaining?

- You mean "ex-wife"?

- Not quite yet.

- Ah, hakuna matata.

- This crepe...c'est magnifique.

- The raisins are a nice touch.

- Good, aren't they?

Raisins?

(Screams)

Ladies and gentlemen,

please take your seats.

We are about to start the auction.

I don't know whether to

congratulate you or wish you luck.

- Wish us luck!

- Hello, April.

- Oh, hello.

- Nice to see you again.

- I didn't know you knew our lawyer.

- It's just an expression.

Thank you, for joining us

for this momentous occasion

the auction of our one item,

- the missing LaRue.

- (Applause)

I would like to introduce the owner

of this architectural wonder,

- Mr Ernest Smuntz.

- (Applause)

Thank you, all, for coming.

When my father left this

extraordinary house

to my brother Lars...

and myself, uh, we...

had no idea what surprises

were in store for us or...

what was going to happen next.

(Ernie)

Uh, when Quincy Thorpe of the, uh...

Historical Society

told us of its value,

you, uh...you could have KNOCKED...

us over with a feather. We...

didn't know what...HIT US!

(Bangs gavel)

The renovation was exhausting

but ultimately rewarding.

- The house was in terrible disrepair

- (Murmuring)

but nothing that a few nails...

(Banging)

and old-fashioned

elbow grease couldn't fix.

- People are eager to start bidding.

- What? The bidding?

- The bidding!

- All right. Thank you.

- Thank you, Mr Smuntz.

- (Scattered applause)

No matter what happens, keep going.

Built in 1876, the last LaRue

in existence has five bedrooms...

- Did you see him? I thought so.

- Yes!

- He ate the string.

- What?

The string. Pop's lucky string!

The son of a b*tch ate it!

- Why didn't you tell me you saw him?

- I didn't, but I found this.

- You should have weighed him.

- I'm sorry.

- Did you see where it went?

- It can't go far.

Well, shall we start

the bidding at $1 million?

Now, we all know we're here

to bid on the missing LaRue.

Shall we start at $500,000?

$500,000

from the gentleman from Japan.

- Now, can I hear a million?

- A million!

- I'll give you one and a half.

- I have $1.5 million. Two?

(Gasping) There he is!

(Auctioneer) Ladies and gentleman,

all the carpets and tapestries...

- are from Northern Turkey.

- Oh!

Now, can I have an advance on 1.5?

May I have two?

Can I have two,

ladies and gentlemen?

- Two million!

- I have $2 million.

I have $2 million, ladies and

gentlemen. Can I have an advance?

Can I have an advance on $2 million?

I'd like to draw your attention

to the Lincrusia details...

of the gold and silver-leafed

copper and pewter.

Ladies and gentlemen, can I have

an advance? An advance on $2 million.

May I hear $3 million? I have three

from the lady from New York City.

- What are you doing?

- Uh, uh, uh...nothing!

Get your hand

out of there immediately!

Wait! Wait just a minute!

- Wait!

- Now, may I hear $4 million?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

(Man) Four million.

- Ooh!

- $4 million from the gentleman.

I got it!

Uh, the sheikh bids $5 million.

Thank you, sir. I have $5 million.

- $5 million.

- (Hysterical laughing)

Any advance on $5 million?

Ladies and gentlemen, $5 million.

An advance? Ladies and gentlemen,

it's the missing LaRue.

The bidding stands at $5 million.

(Lars) I've got you now!

- Hold on tight, I'll get it out.

- (Unzips)

Uh, $5 million for the missing LaRue.

- Have you got it yet?

- I'm not sure.

Ladies and gentlemen,

will someone give me $6 million?

- Six million.

- Thank you, sir.

Hilde, the spool is smoking!

May I have an advance?

An advance, ladies and gentlemen.

Can I have an advance on six?

The bidding stands at $6 million.

- $7 million.

- $7 million. Thank you.

- Any advance on seven?

- (Laughs)

(Screaming)

Keep her away from the walls!

The house is priceless!

C-c-can I have 7.5?

(Confused shouts)

I have $8 million over there.

$8 million going once,

$8 million going twice...

$8 million?!

You should have taken the cheque!

You shut up! You...

- Ten millions!

- $10 million. Can I have 11?

$11 million

from the gentleman from Japan.

- (All shrieking)

- 12. 13. 14. 15.

Aha!

- $16 million from Ernie Smuntz.

- No!

- 17 million!

- $17 million. Thank you, sir.

Any advance on 17?

Good idea.

When I say, turn it on full blast.

We'll flush him out.

Now!

- $18 million.

- $18 million from the lady.

You don't have that kind of money.

- Ernie?

- Not now.

- 20 millions.

- 20 million. Can I hear 21?

$21 million from the gentleman.

- Any advance?

- 22 million. That's my last offer.

22 million going once...

- 25 millions.

- $25 million dollars.

Thank you, sir. $25 million.

The bidding stands at $25 million.

Do I have an advance?

$25 million going once,

$25 million going twice...

(All screaming)

Going...going...

(lndistinct grumbling)

Hey! Don't go!

The water was just a...

a demonstration of...

of how durable...

a LaRue really is.

How about that?

Now you know this house

will last forever.

(Laughing)

- Pop's lucky string.

- I guess we got him.

Yeah, I guess we did.

(Snoring)

(Machinery starting)

What was that?

Lars! Look!

It's string.

It's cheese.

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