Moving McAllister Page #2

And no drinks.

I'm not stopping

for you to go again.

So he gives me this look in

the eye like he's gonna race me.

Like he's gonna take me

in my Camaro.

He's got a Sunfire.

What's that gonna do to me?

You know what I'm saying?

So I told him I...I said...

I said..

[pig grunting]

Oh man.

You see her?

[dog growling]

Gas and whatever she's got.

Well, what she got?

I dunno.

Well, y'all

wanna buy a mug?

No.

Are you sure?

You can hold a

lot more than Coke in this.

You can hold crawdads, whatever

you want.

Yes, I'm sure.

They're real good mugs y'know,

and you buy one of these you get

free refills on every

Tuesday and Friday.

Heck, before you say no,

I wanna let you know

I've had my mug for five years.

So durable.

You made me wreck

my mug.

[laughing]

We want the mug.

You want a mug?

I want the mug.

Oh great. Well,

you're real nice, lady.

Watcha doin' hanging out

with this Clark Kent,

when you could be

with a real Superman?

Just kidding you, boy!

My God, you see

his eyes? Dang.

Could I have my mug?

Oh yeah, hold on.

You want your change?

Nah.

For the kids.

For the kids.

Here you go, sweetheart.

Fill 'er up.

Thank you, my love.

You owe me for my mug.

That's $3.99.

And I'm giving this

change to the kids.

# [Country Western]

[farts]

Oh, Dorothy!

Nice try, Michelle.

So why Los Angeles?

Why you going there?

I'm an actor.

Doesn't L.A. have

enough waitresses?

No, they called while

you were asleep and said

they needed one more.

Oh, oh wait, doesn't Miami

have enough copy boys?

I have to pee.

Okay, well, we got a stop

planned in about two hours.

Uh-uh. I can't wait that long.

I have to pee now.

Do the kegel thing.

What? I am poisoning myself.

Right now.

This is very--

You know, forget it.

What are you doing?

I gotta pee.

[tires squealing]

No, no, no, no! Uh-uh.

[horn honking]

Time's up. Let's go!

Okay. Ugh. Ugh!

Is that it?

Yeah, I peed.

Close the door.

Oh.

[engine grinding]

[engine stalls]

Come on, come on. No!

Hi, Margery, it's Rick.

The truck broke.

I think it's the engine.

I'm not really a car guy.

Call back if you get this.

I'm going this way.

I'll bet someone comes

in like five minutes.

I doubt it.

You're not going

to be here.

Then you'll have to

tell my uncle you left

me behind, won't you?

This is ridiculous.

These are the kind of

woods men are raped in.

[phone rings]

You okay?

Hello?

Yeah.

Wait, is that the car lady?

It's Carl.

Who's Carl?

He's my fat friend.

Hey buddy, I was just wondering

if you wanted to come over

and watch Family Ties.

Carl, I'm in the

middle of the forest.

When are you

going to be done?

I'm moving McAllister's

niece, remember?

L.A.?

What? I thought I told

you not to do that.

You talked me into it.

No, no, buddy, I wouldn't

have told you that.

You said it was

a good career move.

Now come on over here

and have a grilled cheese.

I'm in a different state.

[Michelle]

Carl, help!

Is that her?

Yeah.

Yeah, what?

Is she hot?

I gotta go.

Okay, Rick, if she's hot,

say you're tired.

If she's not, say

it's hot outside.

Wait, wait, wait.

Are you talking about me?

Wait, no no. If she's hot,

say it's hot outside.

If she's not...

I'm hanging up.

Did you give it to her?

What did he say?

He said hi.

Oh, this is so spooky.

Do you have to go

all the way to L.A.?

Can't I drop you

somewhere closer?

Like here?

Oh, look, civilization.

Maybe we should

go back and hitch.

Shouldn't we try

to get it fixed first?

What makes you think these

people can fix anything?

Well, if they can't, then

we'll go back and hitch.

Here.

[pig squealing]

What if we end up

buried in the forest?

Oh, what are

the chances of that?

Don't move or

I'll kill you!

[screams]

[screams]

You like that?

Huh? Huh?

Tomek! You put down

that knife right now!

Here, take the baby.

I said, put down the knife.

I was only kidding.

I'm only gonna kid you-- git!

Git!

[baby crying]

It's alright, baby.

You're just in time for dinner.

Nice pig. Come on.

Come on, bring the baby.

Watch out for my laundry.

It's getting dry.

[Flies buzzing]

We got us an antenna

over there.

Picks up all kinds of shows.

You know that I missed

Days of Our Lives

for a year-and-a-half?

Marlena was a-killin'

everybody.

But then I found out

it was all make-believe.

I can't tell you

how relieved I was.

I feel like

we're imposing.

Don't be ridiculous.

Tomek can get your truck all

fixed up nice and new

right after you've had

a real good meal.

Oh, he's sorry. He was just

saying how hungry he was.

Yes, you were.

Have some.

Oh, he likes you.

Eat on up, clean your plate.

So, um, does

your jacuzzi work?

Of course it does,

honey. Why would we

have a busted jacuz?

There ain't nothing

like a good long soak

after a good long meal.

Y'all got your suits?

Oh, I don't need mine.

I don't have one.

I wear my skin suit.

Lord, I better

go lock up the kids.

Kids! Get on

over here!

We keep the tub real natural,

none of that chlorine stuff.

Kills the skin, y'know.

You kids shut up

in there!

This is alone time.

There is nothing on.

Mikey, be careful

with that thing.

We are not changing the water

if you cut yourself again.

I'm about

this close, woman.

[gasps]

Mikey, look!

Lifetimes of

the Rich and Famous.

[gasps]

Look at that!

There is a pool

inside the house.

Honey, we are getting

one of those when

our ship comes in.

[Man on TV, indistinct]

Them kids are awful quiet.

Rick, where are your clothes?

[kids whispering]

It's your turn

to check on 'em.

Tomek!

Hey, pop.

It's warm.

[stomach growling]

I fixed your truck.

Are you okay?

[gurgling noises]

You look like dook.

# [Country Western]

They were really nice.

Nice nothing, they

burned my clothes.

They have good taste.

Hey, you know,

I could drive.

Nope.

Well, then why don't you

just, like, pull over

and take a break?

'Cause we don't

have time.

What's this?

It's an energy drink.

Yeah?

What's in it?

Fruits, vegetables,

vitamins.

Yeah?

Antioxidants,

various colors.

Have some.

Maybe later.

Maybe now?

Maybe you should

stop bothering me.

Maybe you should

just drink some.

Here.

Mmm, tasty.

# [upbeat]

[wild laughter]

Rick! What is

wrong with you?

Rick!

You gotta come see this!

Rick?

Rick?

Somebody help.

Help!

[McAllister's voice]

I'm going to break every

little bone in your body.

[Michelle, echoing]

He's not breathing.

The ruffles are

repressing his chakra.

[Michelle echoing]

Or maybe you should give him

some mouth-to-mouth.

[Man]

Grab his ankles.

[Michelle]

Oh no, now his belt is stuck.

[Carl's voice]

Does he have an inny

or an outy?

[Man]

Get the door!

Open it.

[Rick]

Why is He-Man the guardian

of Castle Greyskull?

The architecture is clearly

more suited to Skeletor.

It just-- it just

doesn't make sense.

Stellar rsum, kid.

Cyrillic bold?

Yeah.

Thank you, sir.

I want to offer you

a place here.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes