Mr. & Mrs. Smith

OK, I'll go first.

Let me say, we don't really need to be here.

- See, we've been married five years.

- Six.

Five, six years.

And this is like a check-up for us.

Chance to poke around the engine,

maybe change the oil.

- Replace a seal or two.

- Yeah, that's it.

Very well, then. Let's pop the hood.

On a scale of one to ten,

how happy a couple are you?

- Eight.

- Wait.

Ten being perfectly happy

and one being totally miserable, or...

- Just respond instinctively.

- OK.

Ready?

Eight.

How often do you have sex?

I don't understand the question.

Yeah, I'm lost. Is this a one to ten thing?

But, because, is, like, one very little,

or is one nothing? Because...

You know, technically speaking,

the zero would be nothing.

How about this week?

- Including the weekend?

- Sure.

Describe how you first met.

- It was in Colombia.

- Bogot.

Five years ago.

Six.

Right. Five or six years ago.

... todas las habitaciones.

Hey. Qu pasa?

Vamos, muchachos.

Registren los elevadores y los escalones.

Anda solo?

Papeles.

Seora.

- Est sola?

- No.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- Est bien.

She's with me. Est bien.

Abren. Sus papeles.

I'm Jane.

- John.

- Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

- To dodging bullets.

- Dodging bullets.

So it speaks.

But does it dance?

Hiya, stranger.

Hiya back.

I think room service fled.

I did what I could.

Thank you.

Oh, that's good.

I hope so. I had to milk a goat to get it.

Hey, step right up,

ladies and gentlemen. Try your luck.

How about you, little lady?

Wanna try your luck? Win a prize?

Yeah, all right.

- Two.

- We got two over here.

- You know how to hold it?

- Step right up, have a shot.

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

Yeah.

- You gotta aim it.

- I am.

Don't laugh, I'll kill you.

You didn't blink.

Do we still get something?

Beginner's luck.

- I want to go again.

- Going again.

Where'd you learn to shoot like that?

Beginner's luck.

Stop. Stop,

you've only known the girl for six weeks.

I'm in love. She's smart, sexy.

She's uninhibited, spontaneous, complicated.

She's the sweetest thing I've ever seen.

I knew Gladys two and a half years

before I asked her to marry me.

You have to have a foundation of friendship,

brother. The other stuff fades.

Hi.

So you don't think

this is all happening a little fast?

You know I never do anything

without thinking it through.

- What does he do?

- He's in construction. Big-time contractor.

A server goes down on Wall Street.

She's there, anytime, day or night.

She's like Batman for computers.

He's gone as much as I am, so it's perfect.

I give the whole thing six months, tops.

Eddie?

I asked her to marry me.

What?

- I'm getting married!

- What? I can't hear you.

- Getting married.

- I can't hear.

- Stop hitting him, he said something crazy.

- I'm getting married.

- Gotta get these filters changed.

- What did you think of Dr. Wexler?

His questions were a bit wishy-washy.

Yeah. Watch your arm.

Not the most insightful.

And his office is clear across town.

Well, you know the four o'clock means

we hit rush hour. Not crazy about that.

- So that's settled then, yeah?

- OK.

OK.

Dinner's at seven.

Yup. I'll be there. Here.

Anybody calls,

I'm in with the boss. OK?

Got a call from the man. Big highline

assignment, Steve. You know how it is.

Actually, you probably don't.

Sweetie?

Could you grab me a coffee?

I like it with lots of sugar. Thanks a lot.

Hey there.

And where do you think you're going?

Well, I was... The boss wants to see me.

Well, he sees you.

Look, kid, people who've been

working here for 25 years

have never seen inside of that elevator.

Here.

This is the assignment?

Now get outta here.

- Hey, babe.

- Perfect timing.

It's pissing rain out there.

Gardener left the lawnmower out.

- How was work?

- Ah, so-so.

Oh, I got new curtains.

Did you?

Well?

What do you think?

There was a struggle over the material.

This tea sandwich of a man,

he got his hands on them first.

- But I won.

- Of course you did.

They're a bit green, so we have to reupholster

the sofas and get a new rug. Maybe a Persian.

Yeah, or we can just keep the old ones,

then we don't have to change a thing.

We talked about this. You remember?

I remember.

I remember cos we said we'd wait.

If you don't like 'em, we can take 'em back.

OK. I don't like 'em.

You'll get used to 'em.

Yeah.

Zero per cent APR till March.

So, part two. Here we are.

Only this time, you came back alone.

Why did you come back?

I'm not sure, really.

Let me clarify, I love my wife.

I want her to be happy.

I want good things for her.

But there are times...

- Honey, would you just...

- Five more minutes.

There's this huge space between us.

And it just keeps filling up with

everything that we don't say to each other.

- What is that called?

- Marriage.

What don't you say to each other?

James of the Yukon got three stars.

This looks nice.

Did you do something new?

Yeah?

- I added peas.

- Yeah, peas.

Yeah, it's the green.

Sweetheart, will you pass the salt?

It's in the middle of the table.

- Is that the middle of the table?

- Yeah, it's between you and me.

- How honest are you with him?

- Pretty honest.

I mean...

It's not like I lie to him or anything.

We just...

I have little secrets.

Everybody has secrets.

Jesus! Honey, you scared me.

I'm sorry, hon. I was looking for the...

You going out?

Yes. Some clown crashed a server in a law

firm downtown and ended the world, so yes.

We promised the Colemans.

- I know.

- OK.

I'll be there. In and out. Just a quickie.

Probably feels like

you're the only people going through this,

but there are millions of couples

that are experiencing the same problems.

- We got a plane in an hour.

- All right.

- Who's Al Gore? "Quotes", 800.

- Prodded about possible insider trading,

she remarked on national television,

"I want to focus on my salad. " Ryan?

- Martha Stewart.

- Martha Stewart?

- "Quotes" for 1000.

- Regarding Mick Jagger's knighthood,

he scoffed, "It's a paltry honor, mate.

Hold out for the lordship. "

- 40.

- All right. I'll match you...

What the hell?

What's this shite?

Sorry. Where's the can around here?

Chrissake...

Take a... Hey, you guys playing poker?

- Private game. Piss off.

- Could I sit in? You think I could...

What part of "piss off"

do you not understand?

Guys... Whoa, be a little friendly.

I got the cash...

Easy, big feller.

That's cool, man. You're cool.

Lis... Look, see?

You see what I'm saying?

See what I'm saying?

Anyone interested?

Nah. Cos I'll clean you out.

I understand. Fine.

Listen, I want...

Those are really nice shoes, man.

Jesus!

- Here's an empty chair. I could sit here...

- That is Lucky's chair.

Where's Lucky? I don't see Lucky.

- Lucky's not back yet.

- Then I'll sit here.

Unless...

I'm too hot for you.

- Solid silver.

- Ooh, very sweet.

"To dodging bullets. Love, Jane. "

In the pot. Put it in the pot.

Oh, he's pulled something.

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