Mr. Hobbs Takes a Vacation

The marvel of our time, | I guess, is the exploration of outer space.

Man is, for the first time, | leaving the face of the Earth.

In the name of science, | diplomacy and technology...

we're getting off the planet.

However, the real reason | for this exploration is a simple one...

and I, Roger Hobbs | of St. Louis, Missouri...

have discovered this reason.

It's too damn crowded down here.!

Oh, welcome back, Mr. Hobbs.

- Thank you, Ellen. Glad to be back. | - Did you have a nice vacation?

Wonderful.

Uh, I want you to take something.

This goes to Mrs. Hobbs...

not to be opened | until after my death.

- Is this going to be a long one or a short one? | - I don't know yet.

Then I'd better get another book. | I've only a few pages left in this one.

My darling Peggy...

when you read this, I- Oh.

I'm sorry, but I remembered when you were | dictating that one about Mrs. Hobbs's brother-

what you really thought of him-

it was so long, | I ran right out of the book.

Uh-huh. Uh, well-

All right. Are you ready?

My darling Peggy, | by the time you read this...

I'll be in an urn | at Woodlawn Memorial Park Cemetery.

So let me make it clear | from the very beginning...

that notwithstanding | what I may say here and now...

I loved you to the end | and with all my heart.

Paragraph.

With all my heart. Paragraph.

Please don't think I was hasty.

I was just like any other normal, | red-blooded American gopher...

who works in a big city.

Living underground | most of the time...

naturally, I liked the idea | of a little fresh air.

- Paragraph? | - Paragraph.

This is simply to explain to you...

why, after last month...

you never again | were able to suck me in...

to another gay, happy, | carefree vacation...

with the family-

may God bless and keep | each and every one of them...

individually.

Paragraph.

Even now, there is no man alive...

who believes more devoutly than I do...

that the family is the rock...

upon which civilization is built.

But speaking to you now | from beyond the grave...

let me say to you, frankly...

that I had rather stay on | as a gopher...

than be trapped with my family...

for a whole month in the same house.

Paragraph.

I also agree heartily | with all modern authorities...

that there is no more | sacred obligation in life...

than a lasting communication | between parents and children.

But from now on, I'm going to see | if I can't manage mine by long distance...

and the longer, the better.

- Paragraph? | - No paragraph.

It's not that I don't love them, | you understand.

It's just that the day finally arrives when | a man simply hasn't got the strength...

to handle all the jams | his children get themselves into.

Sailing date:
June 2.

Remember lastJune, Peggy?

I called you from the office | that it was all set for a month's vacation?

Well, what I had in mind, darn it...

was a month off | just for you and me.

Just a couple of old smoothies | on the loose again...

communicating with nobody but each other | and an occasional deck steward.

- I can't see. | - Good evening.

Oh, hello. Would you mind | moving over a little bit, please?

How would you like to spend next month | on a real Western dude ranch?

- No, thanks. | - That's what you think, buster.

Ee-yah.!

Will you listen-Will you listen | for just one minute, darling?

Ah, hang up, Mother. Tell 'em Father's | home drunk and needs looking after.

- It's Katey, long distance. | - Well, what's- Nothing wrong, is there?

Oh, you bet there is. | She doesn't want to go to Emerald Bay.

It is not stupid, Katey, and I must say | that it's not very bright of you...

to keep describing every place in the world | that's not Paris as stupid.

Now- Now, will you listen to me | for one second?

Paris? Wh-What about Paris?

Oh, she and three other girls out of her class | have cooked up some crazy notion...

of gallivanting all over Europe | this summer.

But how in the world | are you going to pay for it, Katey?

Yeah, I'd sort of be interested | in the answer to that one myself.

Oh, no, darling.

You can lend it to her, and she'll pay it back | weekly out of her allowance, with interest.

By golly, you really got to hand it | to the kid for trying, don't you?

- How much interest? | - Mother!

Mother. Mother! | Positively weird, both of them.

You should see my mother. | Absolutely weird!

I have never seen anybody | as weird as my mother.

They're all... so insecure.

- That's right. | - Mother? Now, really, I can't-

I'm sorry, darling, but it's out of the question, | and that's all there is to it.

I have to hang up now because | we have a call coming in from Susie.

- Hugs and kisses, darling. Bye now. | - Mom!

Mother?

- She hung up. | - How weird.

Oh, they're weird, I'll tell you.

Positively weird.

Well, what's this | Emerald Bay business?

Well, the Nickersons are letting us | have their beach house there for August.

- It's right on the water, just south of San Francisco. | - You mean for the children?

For all of us. | It's big enough for the whole family.

- Wait a minute, honey. Just wait-wait- | - Oh, I know, I know.

This is the chance of a lifetime for | an old-fashioned family get-together...

and we mustn't be selfish about it.

But, honey, | that wasn't the idea at all.

Do you realize that this may be the last time | we'll ever be all together again?

That's what you say every time, | and I admit it's a very attractive prospect.

Oh, Rog, the way you talk, people would | think that you don't love your children.

Oh, I love 'em dearly, | just from different distances.

For instance, I've never loved Katey | as much in my life...

as I have since she enrolled | at that school 900 miles away.

Has it ever occurred to you | that maybe Katey needs you?

Needs me? She gets sick at her stomach | every time she looks at me.

That's exactly what I mean. We're losing our | children, and do you know whose fault it is?

- Ours. | - All right. Where did we fail?

Well, we haven't kept in close touch | with our children.

We haven't actually shared with them | in all of their problems and pleasures.

Honey, I don't know about that.

All I know is that Katey | doesn't need me...

and Susie doesn't need me, | and Janie doesn't need me.

Danny only needs me to pick up | a copy of Playboy for him every month.

That must be Susie.

Hello? Hello, Susie!

She had to talk to Stan about it first.

- You mean you're asking them too? | - Yes, I'll hold it.

Did you notice how pale those children | looked in these last pictures?

Honey, everybody looks pale | in snapshots, even cannibals.

The whole thing's getting out of hand, | with a whole pack of babies joining in.

What do you mean, "whole pack"? | She's got exactly two children.

You sure?

- Come in, Brenda. | - Oh, hello, Brenda.

What did he say, darling?

Oh, he did? | But that would spoil the whole idea.

Your father simply lives | for those children.

And Janie's bringing Junior.

They can all play on the beach together. | How's Peewee?

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