Mr. Nice

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome on stage

Mr Nice himself, Howard Marks.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Any, erm...

Any plain-clothes policemen in tonight?

No, seriously, are there any

plain-clothes policemen in tonight?

No!

Are you sure?

Are there any dope smokers in tonight?

I came from Kenfig HiII

in the Welsh valleys.

There were more pubs than chapeIs,

more coal mines than schools.

Marks, very good.

Swot!

Sissy boy!

Are you all right, love?

Howard, bach, you're not well at all, man.

It was 104 five minutes ago.

I took it myself.

Well, it could be undulant fever.

No more rugby for you this term, boyo.

I'll make sure there's a prescription

down the chemist for him.

- Do you know what a scalar field is?

- No.

- No?

- No.

Do you know what a...vector is?

No idea.

- They sound like monsters, don't they?

- Yeah.

l learned a few things

and I got grade As in aII my subjects.

To my overwhelming surprise,

the headmaster took me aside one day

and said he wanted me to sit

the Oxford University

entrance schoIarship examination.

Oxford is the most traumatic

experience England has to offer its young.

I was there between 1945 and '48

and I've had to live ever since

with the conviction

that nothing in my after life

has in any way topped

the exhilaration,

the privilege that I felt then.

To my even greater surprise,

l was called up for an interview.

Where are you from, then?

- Garw.

- What?

Garw.

I'm sorry? I can't understand you.

- Garw, I said. It's in Wales.

- Mr Locke.

Where are you from?

Eton.

You open it.

Howard,

I don't know what to say.

- You've done it, son! You've done it!

- No, no, no!

- Yes! Well done.

- I knew it, Dad. I knew I'd do it.

Mum! Mum! Where's Mum?

Come on, we're late.

Ten minutes. We've got ten minutes.

Come on, Mum.

My success went compIeteIy to my head

and I've been Iiving off it,

to some extent, ever since.

- Who's got the ticket?

- Don't be stupid.

I... You've got the ticket.

He's got the ticket.

- Oh, hello.

- All right?

I'm your scout, George.

I... I make the beds and do the dishes

and clean up the room.

- Oh, you don't have to do that, man...

- Oh, I do, Mr...?

Marks. Howard. Call me Howard.

No ladies in here after dinner.

Oh, no. No, no.

Right, OK.

I've never had anyone

do anything for me before, you know.

I've never...

had a porter carry my bags.

Never had waiter service in a restaurant.

Never stayed in a hotel.

Smart lad like you, Howard,

time you got used to it!

- Yeah.

- Bye.

Come on. Come on.

- Come on.

- Hello?

- Come on!

- Come on, what?

Open!

Oh, sorry.

What are you doing?

I don't wanna get caught.

Oh, f***.

- Let me, erm...help you.

- Just... OK.

- Careful.

- Yeah, that's it. OK.

- Just ssh! OK?

- Right.

- Put the bar back.

- Right.

Er...

Hello?

Come on.

- Who the f*** are you?

- He's the new doorkeeper.

Are you in room 1-11?

Come in.

Close the door.

Dig this.

"The soft vibrations of desire,

"given with meat hand and cock."

"Desire taken with mouth and ass."

"Desire returned to the last sigh!"

"And the happy laugh of innocent babies."

- Have a toke.

- A what?

A drag.

I don't take drugs. I mean, I...

I've never tried it.

I'm not gonna get hooked now, am I?

Keep it deep in your lungs.

OK?

Let it go.

Good.

Don't feel anything.

Now, the thing is,

I didn't set out to be a dope deaIer.

It's not something I'm proud of.

But a deaIer is reaIIy just someone

who buys more dope than he can smoke,

and I have to say I'm ashamed,

I tried to smoke it aII.

There was just too f***ing much of it.

thunderous rock music)

- Hold it in. Hold it in.

- That's good.

See, I've heard

that hash makes you sex mad.

Well, that's one thing they're right about.

Hey, Howard, you barbarian!

- That's my girlfriend.

- Sorry, Mac.

Give me a kiss.

Smoking kif gets a bit pathetic.

Not when you've got some opium.

It's the great absolver.

- Is that LSD?

- The power...

The voltage of the city

running through your mind. Try it.

Here we go.

- Do you chew it or suck it?

- Suck it.

All right. I'm sucking.

- I can't feel a f***ing thing.

- Give your head a rub, man.

Get it clean into your brain.

Oh, f***ing hell!

It's f***ing mental!

HeIp me! Somebody heIp me!

HeIp me, somebody!

Argh!

Oh, f***!

All right!

I f***ing can't even harm my foot!

My f***ing foot!

Ow, my f***ing foot!

My f***ing foot!

The Dean got the charges dropped

as aII they couId find on me was a roach.

But l was warned,

knuckIe down and study.

So I stopped smoking marijuana,

read as much as I couId,

and graduated from Oxford University

with a second-class degree.

AIthough we reveIIed

in each other's company,

I have no idea why IIze and I

took the extraordinariIy impracticaI step

of getting married.

We moved to London.

We had no money, and our prospects

were as two poorly paid teachers.

We must set a good example.

Long hair and colourful clothes do not.

I think a three-piece suit should be worn

under the gown...

I had gone straight just when

the rest of the country had started to swing.

- I've put acid in the punch, so...

- Oh f***, I've got to be careful.

You know?

We're not smoking weed.

- How long?

- Six months.

- Six f***ing months?

- I'm teaching now. I can't smoke.

- Did you start freaking out, or...

- No. No, no.

- You see the world the way it is.

- Don't blame it all on the world.

I'm not. That's your idea,

to stop smoking. All right?

- Isn't it great?

- At times like this, I could murder a joint.

- You should have some.

- No, come on! Stop!

- All right, OK!

- Oh, no, it's... Listen...

- This is not fair.

- I feel good, I feel good.

How do you afford a place like this,

Graham?

I'm shifting 50 pounds of the finest

Pakistani black every f***ing month.

- F***ing hell.

- F***ing hell!

- Lot of money.

- Lot of money.

Well done. Is it... You know...

It's got to be risky, isn't it?

If you get stopped, you're f***ed.

I've never been stopped.

I've done it hundreds of times.

So you put it in the panels, do you?

The side panels.

We take the f***ing car apart

and we stuff it everywhere we can get it.

F***ing hell, man.

- But you know what, it pays for all this.

- I know, man! Jesus!

- Yeah, man. F***ing hell.

- Beautiful.

- Graham? Gonna have a look upstairs.

- Yeah, yeah, whatever.

All right?

- What's that?

- Go.

- Sorry.

- No, stay.

Go, an ancient Japanese game.

Wanna play?

- Yeah.

- Here, roll me a joint.

We take it in turns placing stones

on the board. Black goes first.

Right. Erm... I put it anywhere, right?

- As long as it's on an intersection.

- OK.

There.

Now, I play here.

- Er... No, thanks.

- It's a great game to play stoned.

- I had to give it up.

- Why?

I'm a teacher.

And what about sex?

I'm married.

You see, in the game of Go,

when a stone has no free space next to it,

it is captured and taken off the board.

Bit like life, really.

You don't look like a teacher.

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