Mr. Nice Page #2

What do I look like, then?

Like a drug smuggler.

Hmm.

- Hello.

- IIze, it's Mandy. Is Howard there, pIease?

Uh... Mandy. Uhh...

He...He's sleeping.

Graham's disappeared, OK?

I think he's been busted.

Mandy? It's Howard.

- Where is he?

- In Germany. Can you go there?

I can't. I mean...

You're the only straight person

Graham knows. Please.

I've never been out of the country...

I haven't got a passport.

Look, I...I'll call you back, all right?

- I can't go.

- Howard...

What?

I've fallen in love with someone else.

Thank you.

Bitte.

I was just crossing the Swiss-German

border, like I'd done a hundred times before.

You know,

they always just waved me through.

This time, the German Nazis f***ing

pulled me over and took the car apart.

Found 100 pounds of Lebanese black

in the back seat and the panels.

- Probablyjust wanted to smoke it.

- What else would they f***ing do with it?

And we've got a second batch

in a warehouse in Wiesbaden.

It's in a Mercedes. Keys in the station.

I've never driven

on the wrong side of the road.

That's why you're perfect for it. You'll

sail through, they don't know your face.

Look, I've done it too many f***ing times.

Now, you get it back to London

and you make a ton of money.

How much?

Every time I crossed the border,

l'd get a religious flash

and an asexuaI orgasm.

Passeport.

C'est bon, merci.

Judy.

Judy!

Oh, sh*t!

Sorry.

Sorry, sorry. Sorry.

Come down.

- It's the middle of the night.

- What?

- It's the middle of the night.

- I know. Bring some fags.

- I have a friend over.

- Come on, please, Judy.

I got something amazing to show you.

OK...

Trouble is, I need somewhere to stash it.

Right.

Get the bags out.

Keep an eye out, yeah, for people?

I got it.

He's up there, is he? Don't suppose

he'd mind if I stayed the night, would he?

Am I a criminal now?

When you break a law that's wrong,

that can't be a crime.

Not in the moral sense.

Why is it against the law?

Why make something illegal that expands

your consciousness, makes you think?

Makes you wanna f***.

What the f***...

You're Iazy, you just stay in bed

You're Iazy, just stay in bed

You don't want no money,

you don't want no bread

lf you're drowning,

you don't cIutch no straw, no, no

If you're drowning...

- Yes?

- My name is Howard Marks.

I'm a friend of Graham Plinston's.

You don't wanna live,

don't wanna cry no more, no more

Hello, I'm Howard Marks.

You must be...Mr Durrani?

Take a step forward.

Hands to the side.

- Howard what?

- Marks. Howard Marks.

Stay there. One second.

Chap here says, er, he's Howard Marks.

Bring him in.

- Come in.

- Thank you.

My Name's Malik. This is Mr Durrani.

- Mr Durrani. Hello.

- Good afternoon.

- Mohammed Durrani.

- Nice to meet you.

- Take a seat.

- Thank you.

Would you like a drink?

Yes, please. I'll have a... I'll have a whisky.

Thank you.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

You saw Plinston?

I did. I...I...

So, I got a call from him and

I drove out to see him in Germany. Erm...

- Did he talk?

- No, he won't squeal.

So he very kindly asked me to run

a little errand on your behalf. And, erm...

I think you'll be pleased.

Very impressive!

Ah, well, I can see

you've been, er, very efficient.

Well, I wish I had more to sell, you know.

I got rid of it all in a day, so...yeah.

- How much do you charge per pound?

- 40 quid.

Forty?

- That's very good. Have you counted it?

- Yeah, it's all there, boys. It's all there.

How much is it?

In the papers

they call people who sell drugs pushers,

like you've got to try really hard

to get rid of it.

- Doesn't really work like that, does it?

- No, it doesn't.

- Well...

- I tell you, Howard,

I can get any amount of merchandise

up into the air from Karachi Airport.

The problem

is how to get it onto the ground.

Uh-huh.

James McCann,

the people's hero from the Provisional IRA,

in their struggle

against the British government.

They've arrested him

and charged him with terrorism.

He wouldn't recognise court,

turned his back on the proceedings.

Crazy cat!

They've thrown him in jail,

he's escaped, sawed through the bars.

The nutter's got every policeman in Ireland

looking for him.

Then out of the blue,

he comes into the office,

gives us an interview for the magazine.

Yeah, he's a...

He's a real revolutionary.

- Welcome to paradise.

- Paradise?

Jim?

Jim?

- Where's your man McCann?

- Hello?

Likes his porn.

Hey, your mam's in here.

- Let's have a look.

- Doesn't she look like your mum?

Shut up.

Hashish should be illegal.

Gives us a means of living.

A new currency to overthrow

the fascist overlords.

I don't think it should be illegal.

I can't condone

the punishing of people who smoke it.

- Oh. Hello.

- Hello, Jim.

Uh... Howard.

- You're from Kabul, are you?

- I'm Welsh, actually.

Welsh? F***ing Welsh!

What the f*** can you do?

Well, I'm here to decide

whether you can help us or not.

Help you? I'm the Kid. The Fox!

I decide if you're any f***ing use to me.

And you'd better be some f***ing use!

You were followed from the airport

by my boys.

This place is surrounded by the IRA.

Any f***ing around

and you're gone, brother, gone!

Right?

Alan, why have you brought me this wimp?

You was gonna get me someone

who could bring me arms from Kabul.

I told you,

Kabul's not a place that sells arms.

What the f*** do you mean, sell arms?

I don't buy f***ing arms.

I get given them by people

who want to ensure their future

when we finally kick you f***ing Brits

out of my country!

Sell arms...

Smoke, Jim?

We're dope smugglers. We wanted to know

if you could help us bring it into the country.

Pay you a lot of money for doing it.

OK.

Did nobody tell you

what the boys do to drug dealers?

We're revolutionaries,

not f***ing drug pushers.

Out!

- Walk! Now! You, come on.

- OK.

- Out!

- All right, Jim. All right.

Come on!

Down there. Come on!

We've done nothing wrong.

- Jim, please!

- Hey, hey! What the f*** are you doing?

- Joint? Last request?

- You're not f***ing listening, are ya?

We don't want that filth here.

Stand back.

I'm gonna kneecap Soppy Bollocks.

No. No, no, man, listen. I'll go first.

He's shitting himself.

- Do me.

- Good man.

You might wanna sit down first,

so you don't crack your head when you fall.

- Take your trousers down.

- What?

It's for your own good.

If I shoot you through the trousers, a bit of

cloth could get in the wound and infect it

and you'd have to lose the leg.

Come on.

All right.

- That's very gracious of you.

- Will you be wanting that smoke now?

Yeah.

What's a Welsh prat like you doing

selling hash, anyway?

You should've stuck to painting road signs.

Give me that f***ing joint.

He's not getting a f***ing penny.

That's my first condition.

Condition number two. I want 500 cash

now for setting everything up

and 5,000 for doing it. OK?

All right.

He was joking you.

The Provos can't be involved

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