Mr. Nice Page #3

in any of this shite.

If they find out, I'll be shot.

You'll be shot,

we'll all be f***ing shot.

So, we don't sell the stuff in Ireland.

You'd better not be selling anything here.

Could you get us some filthy films?

Condoms? Priests have made them illegal.

They wanna charge us a kid a f***.

It's a f***ing emergency.

I'm picking up my boss's luggage.

That'll be grand. I'll keep my eye on it.

See, Howard, I f***ing own this place.

Hey, watch yourself there.

You see your man there?

That's Eamonn.

- Right.

- He examines all the papers.

Now, if he values his Guinness,

he'll pass the f***ing lot.

He thinks you're bringing in guns

for the cause,

so make sure those cases

f***ing rattle, OK?

You see what I mean, Howard?

This place is wide open.

How's about you, big man?

Keeping busy?

- This is Howard.

- Nice to meet you.

See you later, OK?

Right, this way.

It's a brilliant plan, Jim.

When can we start?

F***ing now. We've got it all together.

Bring in as much as you want.

How soon can you send the nordle?

What the f***'s nordle?

Wise up. You have to use codes,

codes and false names. Nordle is hashish.

- Nordle?

- OK?

- Right.

- Listen, a word of advice, Howard.

When you come back, don't fly here.

Fly somewhere else.

Do the last bit by train or bus or car,

whatever.

- Gus, this is Howard.

- Y'all right, Howard?

- Hello, Gus.

- Howard.

That was Gus. He's a member of

the Belfast Brigade's assassination squad.

I wanted him to know your face, so no

f***ing games now, you understand me?

So you really think I can pass for a native?

DH Marks, this is the perfect look for you.

Remember, many Afridi

have blonde hair and blue eyes.

Just look stoned and say nothing.

What if they don't buy it?

Then they'll probably rob you and kill you.

Ibrahim!

As-salaam alaikum.

When you're making hash, this is your loot.

It's in three different goatskins.

Black, white, brown.

Three different qualities.

- See these herbs?

- Uh-huh.

When the flower comes up first,

you cut off the top,

chop it up

and put that into the white goatskin.

Then when the second flower

comes through,

you chop that up,

put those in the brown bags.

This is what you call medium quality,

but we use a lot. You see?

- Oh, man!

- That's not the top quality.

The top stuff we put in the white bag,

and we only use a little bit of it.

Then this third flower that comes through,

you chop it up, put those into black bags.

This is the one we use the most of.

Be careful, because when we make hash

we have to mix up the three,

because if you only use the top quality,

you blow your head off.

ShouId I say it's fantastic

or say it's not bad,

say it's worth every penny

or say it's cameI sh*t

and they'd better come up

with something better?

I need to roll a joint.

It's what I'm used to, see?

It's the, er...

It's the only way

I can make a fair assessment.

- Mr Marks?

- That's right.

- Patrick Lane, Judy's brother.

- Nice to meet you.

I'm the square one of the family.

Shall we?

So, erm... I wanna open a business,

a shop, in Oxford.

And, erm...

Well, I don't know quite how to go about it.

Well, yes. I'm a chartered accountant.

Um... How much do you have

to invest in the business?

- A lot.

- Five thousand?

- A lot. A lot.

- You don't really need more than five...

I need someone to help me understand

how to put a lot of money in...

- And how to take it out.

- Yeah.

- You need to explain this big lot of money.

- Yeah.

Sounds like you need a bent accountant.

Everyone smile.

I declare this shop open.

Anna and BeIinda

had no idea what I was up to.

The shop became a successful

IittIe dress emporium in its own right.

- Cheers.

- Cheers!

It was now that my story

took a bizarre twist.

Quite out of the bIue, my oId friend Mac

waIked into my shop.

Mac, man!

Cheers.

She's had to take a clerical job in a bank,

which she finds monumentally tedious.

You could do with a bit of money, then?

Well, we're OK.

It's just that I'll probably get

a foreign posting again, so it's...

not really worth

putting down roots right now.

- Thank you.

- Cheers.

Are you sure?

You know, erm....

do a bit of work for me?

- What?

- Well, you know, a bit of driving.

- Two thousand pounds.

- Howard, don't be naughty.

I work for the government.

They don't really approve

of that sort of thing.

Are you selling drugs, Howard?

- Who? Me?

- Well, you seem to be doing very well.

Look, it's the shop, man.

It is. It's really taken off.

I'm opening branches

in Dublin, Amsterdam.

Still the same old Howard.

How about the ladies?

Still having the old success?

Look, I'm with Judy now.

She's pregnant.

- But that wouldn't inhibit you, would it?

- What, chatting up other women?

Not for narcissistic pleasure.

What the f*** for, then, Mac?

For Queen and country.

Are you...

asking me to be a spy?

Howard, I haven't just turned up on

your doorstep without doing my research.

Will you help us?

How can I help you?

We need people to...

gather information for us.

Bloody hell, you are!

- You're a f***ing spy!

- Howard, keep it down.

This is not a James Bond movie.

Well, it certainly feels like it.

You're recruiting me.

You're asking me to be a member of MI6.

The Government doesn't ever

officially acknowledge the existence

of what you call MI6.

However, we do need

to keep abreast of things,

and we do employ a loose network

of people who do things for us.

You travel in circles we can't penetrate,

which is why I need your help.

Sort of a...

patriotic thing, old chap.

And I imagine this would give me...

you know, a certain amount of...protection.

We can't possibly condone any

criminal activity or grant immunity.

However, if you're ever in trouble...

call this number.

I'm fat and ugly.

I hate it here. I want to go to Ibiza.

I love it when you're brown.

- So we'll go?

- Yeah, Judy, look, I've gotta go to Ireland.

Bullshit. Dealing's supposed to support us,

not become your life.

Judy, I hate it, too. You know I hate it.

Come to Ibiza with me, Howie.

Oh, sh*t.

OK, love, I've gotta go. OK?

- I love you.

- Come straight back.

I promise.

Love you.

Aw, f***.

- You gonna be long?

- F*** off.

All right!

Do you mind if I jump the queue?

It's an emergency.

There's a queue!

I changed my plans and everythin'!

F***, f***, f***, f***, f***, f***, f***, f***!

F***! F***!

- Operator.

- Can you connect me to Ballinskelligs 1?

Irish Republic.

PIease insert 50 pence.

Come on.

Come on.

Hello. Ballinskelligs 1 .

Who would you be wanting?

MichaeI Murphy's, the shop, the farm,

or the strangers that arrived Iast night?

Ahh... I... I.... I...

Th-Th-The strangers.

Well, do you know,

I don't think they're at home,

so I'll put you through to the pub.

- Hello?

- Hello.

- Is Jim McCann there?

- Who wants to know?

Mr McCarthy. The nordle man.

- What?

- Nordle!

What the f*** is nordle?

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