Mr. Nice Page #4

Jim, do you know anything

about some f***er called Nordle?

F***ing eejit!

Are you trying to blow my cover, eh?

What the f*** are you doing?

And why don't you ever answer the phone?

I'm sorry, right? It was vandalised.

Why hasn't Plinston sent the nordle? I've got

things to do. I'm fighting a f***ing war.

It's coming in tomorrow

on the Frankfurt flight.

Make sure it gets there before 5pm.

It has to be on the first

Aer Lingus flight to Shannon. OK?

- I've got problems with a shift change.

- Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, that's impossible.

Just make it happen, brother!

F***! F***, f***, f*** it!

Taxi!

Lazy)

Lazy!

CouId have stayed in bed

You don't want no money

You don't want no bread

Get him an ambulance.

Don't you move now.

We'll have an ambulance and tow truck

down here for you in no time.

Ssh, just relax there now, boyo.

Can't believe he's all right.

I'm all right. I'm all right. I'm all right.

I'm all right, I'm all right.

I'm all right. I'm all right. I'm OK.

- Come on there, boy. Come on.

- I'm all right!

- Come on, boy.

- Look at me, man. I'm standing!

- Sorry, what's this pub called?

- Bernard Murphy's!

- Hello.

- Jim, it's Howard.

I'm at Bernard Murphy's.

I've had an accident.

Can you come and get me?

Some f***ing operator you are.

You can't even drive a f***ing car.

Hey, hey, my porno!

Wahey!

Whoa.

I need a drink. Can I get a drink?

Whoa.

Hello? Hello?

Anybody here wanting a call from Archie?

Karachi. Yeah, me.

Thanks.

Please insert 5.50.

Karachi? That's in Pakistan, isn't it?

- Malik?

- The same.

- Has the nordle left?

- No.

They don't eat spaghetti.

They'd like to use chopsticks

or they'd like to eat wurst

or smorgasbord.

Is the curry house still open?

Closed due to uninvited guests.

We have to shift it to the coats.

The hairy coats.

I just can't get them to go for spaghetti.

When can I serve the wurst?

Oh, Christ! Malik, I'm out of change.

- OK, OK!

- Put 'em in, put 'em in!

Sh*t, he's gone!

What Malik meant was

that the shipment wouId have to come

from KabuI in Afghanistan

as Karachi in Pakistan was blocked,

due to a war.

- Jim!

- Hey, Howard, take one of these.

We're gonna do this

with military precision,

with the grace of a Mozart concerto.

When I pick up the nordle from Shannon,

I want you to wait here alone

in the farmhouse with one of these, OK?

Now, when I'm on my way

I'm going to send you a coded message,

something like, uh,

"I've got the nordle."

What's the point of that?

So you'll know precisely what time I'm

delivering the nordle, you stupid Welsh prat.

- Why do I need to know precisely?

- Do as you're f***ing told.

- I've got no time for games. You know that.

- There's a war on in Pakistan...

There's a f***ing war here.

Last Sunday, youse Brits

killed 13 innocent Irishmen in cold blood.

You think you've got problems...

I got you the cock films.

About f***ing time.

- Let's watch one now.

- All right.

Got a projector?

Patrick!

Get your f***ing arse in there.

Shh!

Try this one.

Phwah! Sure, that's the f***ing lavvy.

Telegram for Ballinskelligs.

Nordle served late with wurst.

Go on!

It's in here somewhere.

N-O-R-D-L-E.

There it is. There. Now, careful.

W-U-R-S-T.

Come on. Go on.

Go on.

I've got a telegram for you, sir.

Howard, you're letting in the light.

Shut the f***ing door.

Go on! Oh!

There's a problem.

The nordle's not going to be in Frankfurt

on time to be loaded onto our flight.

It has to, Howard. I've told you

a dozen times, Eamonn's got shift changes.

- We're gonna have to write this one off.

- Shut the f*** up.

I'm trying to watch the wee lass. Go on.

Oh! Oh, no, stop.

OK, OK, that's it. Get a beer.

OK, I'll get the f***ing nordle, but I want

- Forget it, Jim.

- Put it this way.

You pay me 50 quid a pound or I rip off

the whole f***ing lot and become a legend.

Aer Lingus.

This is your man Jim McCann

of the Provisional IRA.

The boys just put a bomb

on the next flight to Shannon.

You have 20 minutes.

That'll slow the f***ers down.

Howard, are you there?

Howard, come in.

Howard!

Pull up the aerial, ya prick!

- Howard!

- Hello?

What are you f***ing doing?!

Come here!

- Press the button.

- Jim. Jim.

- Jim!

- I've got the nordle. I've got...

- I've got...

- Come in. Jim?

- Listen...

- What are you doing?

I can hear you the other end of the field.

You f***ing idiot!

- It's on, the aerial's up.

- Piece of f***ing shite!

Look. It's not even on, Jim.

Why the f*** is my name on the boxes?

It's not. It says...

No, it's Juma Khan.

Juma means Mister or something

in the Middle East,

and Friday means...

No, Khan means Friday.

Look, Juma Khan

might mean Man Friday in Kabul,

but here in Ireland,

Jim McCann means it's f***ing me, the Kid!

- OK.

- Come on. You wee beauty.

Right.

You see, Howard,

the Kid's done it.

I've done it. The Kid has done it!

Right.

- Well?

- Hang on.

Oh, Jesus.

Come on.

Come on, come on,

come on, come on.

- What do you think?

- It's...

It's shite.

No, no, no, no, no.

Careful, careful, careful!

Oh, sh*t. It's f***ing explosives.

Oh, f***ing hell, Jim.

What about the peace and love thing?

You only deal in nordle. Nordle is fiction.

Arms and explosives are non-fiction.

That's reality.

I deal in non-fiction,

not this f***ing hippy shite.

- Pull over here, please, sir. Thank you.

- Yes.

Thank you.

Can I see your passport, please, sir?

It's not my passport. It's your passport.

So are you Dennis Howard Marks?

I am.

Will you step out of the car, please?

- Hello, boy.

- Stand over there, please, sir.

Get Major in there, in the front.

Round the back there. Go on.

So, what was the purpose of your visit?

Erm... Studying beneficial herbs.

- Trying to take the piss or what?

- I've a huge respect for customs officers.

Course you have.

Boys, get on with it.

Hope you're gonna

pay for the damage, boys.

Passport, sir.

I never went through Customs any more

with anything l didn't want them to find.

Gentlemen,

this is what banking is all about.

Thank you. Thank you.

F*** off!

You're driving me, both, f***ing crazy!

It's supposed to be a f***ing holiday.

What's the f***ing problem?

I told you about her.

I told you everything about her and you said

it was fine for her to f***ing come.

Come here! F***!

Don't f***ing walk away from me.

Take the f***ing sulk off your face,

you f***ing wee b*tch!

Get in the pool. Have some f***ing fun!

Come on!

We're on holiday. Come on!

F*** you! Howard?

- Morning.

- Do you have a pen?

Judy?

- Judy?

- Yeah.

Morning, Jim.

Woo hoo! Hey hey!

I'll show you what we used to do

when we were wee kids. Look at this.

- Oh, f***ing hell.

- It's great fun. Look look, look.

Look. Hang about, look.

Just a little wee eye there.

Oh, Jim!

There's the wee mouth. Judy?

Give the wee Kid a kiss!

- Give the wee little Fox a kiss!

- F*** off, man.

- Ah, you wee shite!

- Wipe that smile off your cock.

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