Mr. Stink

---

1

'Mr Stink stank. He also stunk.

'He was the stinkiest stinker

who ever lived.'

Urgh! Duchess!

Chloe!

Oh, hello, Pippa.

Do you want to come to my sleepover

tomorrow night? It'll be epic.

Yeah, I'd love to.

Oh, you can't come, I just

wondered if you wanted to!

Awkward!

I hit him! How genius am I?

Run along now, I'm a very busy man.

The Duchess and I both find children

rather aggravating.

I came to say sorry about

the banana skin.

Did you throw it?

No! It was this girl, Pippa,

from my school.

The little wretch is lucky

I didn't sling it back.

My auntie just sent me 5

in a Christmas card.

Oooh! Good old Auntie.

I wanted you to have it.

To buy a blanket, or some soap?

Thank you,

but I have no use for soap.

I had a bath only last year.

Please shut the door

on your way out.

I'm only trying to help!

All right. Help if you must!

Now, the Duchess is always hungry.

Would you be kind enough

to bring the old girl a sausage?

Yes, I will!

I'm Chloe, by the way.

What's your name?

Stink. Mr Stink.

Now, why are you called that?

I have absolutely no idea.

One moment, child.

I'm sorry.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

For goodness sake, girl,

do something!

I was thinking.

Day-dreaming, more like.

Sorry, I just...

Shh! Don't distract me

whilst I am working.

This by-election is vital for me.

I could be a Member of Parliament

in a matter of days.

Where's the dinner? Annabel has

trombone practice in eight minutes.

Maybe she could give it

a miss tonight?

Then how will she be crowned

Young Musician of the Year, hmm?

Tell me that?

What are you attempting to cook?

From your favourite Look, I'm Posh

range, "Duck ale orange".

"Duck a l'orange."

Translated, "Duck a l'orange"

means "Duck to the orange".

Well done, my darling.

Have another gold star.

Merci beaucoup, Maman.

I'm removing Chloe's star

for day-dreaming.

Thank you, my angel.

Can we have sausages tomorrow?

Yeah! Of course!

No we can't!

They are incredibly plebeian.

Chloe, how about asking a friend

back after school some time?

Yeah, maybe one day.

These are from the premium range?

And they are not past

their sell-by date? No!

Have you got any more?

No, and you're quite ungrateful

for a...

Come, come, say it, "tramp".

Homeless person.

Whereas for a child,

you're typically ill-mannered.

Do you want me to wash that for you?

No need.

LOUDSPEAKER:
'Ladies and gentlemen,

may I have your attention please?'

My name is Mrs Caroline Croom

and I have a dream.

A dream of living in a country

I can be truly proud of.

To the unemployed I say, "Get a job!"

To asylum seekers I say,

"Seek some asylum elsewhere!"

What an awful racket.

To the homeless I say,

"Have a proper wash and

get a foot on the property ladder."

Vote Croom. Aaargh!

Hello, Chloe! My favourite customer.

Hello, Raj.

I have Rolos on special offer.

They are only a year out of date.

No, thanks, Raj.

Half a Lion Bar? Shall we say 15p?

Erm, no thank you.

28 Crunchie Bars

for the price of 27?

No!

Hey! What's with the frowny face?

Please share with your Uncle Raj.

Well, I've met this tramp

who really smells.

I know the man you mean - the

stench does make your eyes water.

Pooooiiiieee!

I was wondering whether

I should try to help him?

Of course you should!

A tramp is just someone

without a home.

Any of us could be homeless one day.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

But if my mum finds out

she will do her nut.

So, what are you going to buy

your tramp friend for Christmas?

I have a box full of Teenage Mutant

Ninja Turtles stationery sets

I can't seem to shift.

Yours for only 3.99.

I'm not sure he really needs one of

those. They are on special offer!

You have your Teenage Mutant Ninja

Turtles notepad,

Teenage Mutant Ninja... Oh.

3, 2, 1...action!

Thank you for visiting my website,

VoteCroom.com.

It's Crumb.

Croom! Now when I am elected...

If!

..WHEN I am elected as your

Member of Parliament,

I promise to introduce a curfew

so that all children under

the age of 25 are indoors by 8pm.

And ban the wearing of

leggings in public,

as they are awfully common.

Most importantly of all,

the homeless will be removed

from the streets.

Soap dodgers, portable wine-tasting

clubs, urban campers,

call them what you will -

they are a menace to society.

Thank you.

I forgot to press record.

Ow!

Just checking you are

doing your homework.

Yes, yes I am. In fact I am just

doing my maths homework right now.

Let me see.

I'm just in the middle of...

"Flesh-eating zombie

bullies must die"?

It's a story I wrote.

Do they do maths,

these flesh-eating zombies? No...

Must they die because they got

their long division wrong?

There is no maths in here

whatsoever!

So this is what you do

all day at school, is it?

No!

Come along, Annabel, Mandarin class.

No blowing off in the night

and blaming it on me.

I might just sit up-wind.

So she has returned.

I've decided to opt out of society,

like you.

You think I opt out, child?

Er, yeah.

Just because I don't have an iPlop

wedged in my ear all the time?

Shall we discuss this

over a Frappuccilinone?

It's called a Frappuccino.

Not the way I make it.

What a lovely aroma!

Abandon shop!

They're sometimes

a bit funny about dogs.

Right-o, a frappuccilinone for you,

and for me,

something I'm tentatively

calling a caramelamochamocha.

You're cleverer than you look,

aren't you?

We are all more than we look.

Be confident, child, fear nobody.

What's wrong at home?

How do you know?

If everything was fine

you wouldn't be spending

your afternoons

with an old vagabond like me.

Mum ripped up my story.

You write stories?

Yeah, but she ripped it up.

I hate her.

Hate is a strong word.

I'm sure your mother loves you.

She's distracted by

the possibility of power.

Megaphones

do very queer things to folk.

Mum only loves my little sister

Annabel.

Annabel's always at some

stupid class or other.

Archery, ice dancing,

Arabic, ski-jumping,

and that's just this morning.

Right now she'll be at ballet.

My ballet dancing days are over.

I fear I shall never dance

'Giselle' again!

I was actually rather good.

But you know my and The Duchess's

views on children.

But it can't be easy

being your little sister.

Oh, no, it's Pippa!

"...No-one hires a pink limo

for birthdays anymore."

And he's all, "really?"

I mean, my dad, he's such a...

Oh, Chloe?

Who's this, your new boyfriend?

You must be Pippa.

Yeah.

Does anyone call you Pippa Pig?

No.

They should.

You stink!

I think you'll find...

Ooh, one moment.

Buuuuurp!

My apologies. There's never

any excuse for belching.

Must be the coffee repeating on me.

Some people think homeless people

should be driven off the streets.

And I think some streetless people

should be driven off their homes.

You don't need to be homeless.

You could come and live in our shed.

No, the Duchess and I

need the open road,

a ceiling of stars, fresh air and...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes