Mr. Stink Page #2

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Mind you, it is ruddy cold today.

Maybe just for the night.

Such unimaginable kindness.

Sorry, it's just a shed,

but at least it gets you

off the streets for a while.

There's no en-suite,

but there is a bucket.

A bucket, very la-di-da!

Oh!

Serpents of Doom?

It's my dad! He never told me

he was in a rock band.

I'm afraid I don't follow

the hit parade.

Why's it all burned?

And why did he never tell me?

We all have our secrets, Miss Chloe.

"D"?

Yes, this belonged to my friend,

Dave.

Good old Dave. Where is Dave now?

With his huge head and...

It says Darlington

on the other side.

What's your secret, Mr Stink?

How did you end up living on the

streets? Are you an escaped convict?

No. A spy?

A billionaire who lost all his money

at a casino playing top trumps?

No, but you should put that

in a story. Most amusing.

Are you running away? I'm not

telling you, so please be quiet!

Right. I'm ready for

my afternoon tea now.

I'm sorry?

Earl Grey, a selection of

sandwiches, scones with plum jam

and Cornish clotted cream.

I've got half a Milky Way

from Raj's shop.

Perfect.

If you need anything else, shine

this torch up at my bedroom window.

Good night, Mr Stink.

You look guilty.

No, I don't!

You sound guilty too.

As school has broken up,

you can be on leaflet duty today.

Why can't Annabel do it?

She's off to

Battle Re-enactment Society.

Get your coat. Quickly.

Dad?! Sssh! Ow!

Why are you hiding?

I thought I saw a pigeon

fly in here.

All right, the truth is...

I like to pretend I'm Harry Potter

in my spare time.

Dad!

OK. I was given the push

from factory last month.

Loads of us were.

But I don't dare tell your mother.

Maybe it's time you stand up to her.

It's not a good time,

with this whole MP thing.

We found your CDs in the shed.

You were in The Serpents Of Gloom!

The Serpents of DOOM!

And who's "we"?

I'm experimenting

with the Royal "we". Like Mum.

Was it her who burnt your guitar?

How did you...? No!

It... caught fire

in a freak lightning strike! Dad!

Yes, she burnt it.

Hurry up!

Promise you won't say a thing

about this to your mother.

Chloe! What are you doing in there?

Nothing!

Oh, I need my coat.

Annabel!

Good girl!

Can I count on your vote

in the by-election? No?

Take a leaflet, you old git!

Can I count on your vote?

Come back!

You know you can walk perfectly well,

it's sheer idleness!

Vote Mrs Caroline Croom!

I'm just popping in to Raj's.

Good plan. I'll give him some flyers.

Wait there, eyes and teeth.

Ah, good morning, good morning.

Hi, Raj.

This must be your sister!

Oh! No, shopkeeper!

No, I'm Chloe's mother.

Oh.

Can I rely on your vote?

What are you on? The X-Factor?

No, shopkeeper.

I'm standing to be the local MP.

So what do you think are the big

issues affecting this country today?

Coffee Revels.

What?

I feel strongly that Coffee Revels

should be banned.

They ruin what is otherwise

a very enjoyable snack.

Anything else? Asylum seekers?

Benefit cheats?

Cadbury's Creme Eggs. They should

be available all year round,

not just at Easter.

Right. If you promise to change

the law on these issues,

you can rely on my vote.

In that case, I promise.

Thank you. Come along, Chloe.

How is your tramp?

What did you say?

Er...

Nothing!

You said something about a tramp.

He said "how's your stamp?"

Yes, I sold your daughter a stamp

and I was wondering how it was.

Before you go, can I interest you

in some luxury stationery?

As an MP, you'll need

a quality product

for when you write

to the Prime Minister.

It's by the Teenage Mutant

Ninja Turtles.

You have your Teenage Mutant

Ninja Turtles pencil sharpener,

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...

Oh.

The apathy of the voting public

is a disgrace.

Maybe they don't like your ideas

about the homeless.

The homeless are people too,

you know.

If they were people, they'd use

shower gel, have loyalty cards

and a choice of shoes.

The Prime Minister could try

and do more. He's got three houses.

Go to your room.

Don't you dare criticise

that giant amongst men.

Talking about me again?

How was your day, love?

Go on, up to your room.

Get back in the shed!

Get back in the shed!

Room service.

Tea and biccies.

Look, don't mind your mum,

she's just under a lot of pressure.

She's on TV tomorrow morning.

On TV? Yeah, being interviewed

cos of this whole by-election.

It's so boring.

Dad - time to take me

to kestrel training!

I wish someone would shoot

that damn bird.

Coming, my angel!

'I stand before you today

'not just as a Prime Minister,

but also as a man.'

Do we have to watch this clown

every night?

Yes, we do. And he's not a clown.

He's our glorious leader.

'And if I could quote the great

Bryan Adams -

'you know it's true.

'Everything I do,

'I do it for you.'

No wonder I sleep bad. It's like

having a pile of cheese before bed.

What kept you?

Shush!

What?! I said shush!

Oh.

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.

Ear plugs!

They don't look like ear plugs.

Rabbit droppings, Miss Chloe.

A cheaper alternative.

This is amazing.

Just doing what folk do

when they move into a new home.

Sorry I couldn't get here

earlier. I was sent to my room.

Is this shortbread all-butter?

Yes!

What did you want?

Oh, yes - I can't get to sleep.

I want a bedtime story.

Um, I don't know any.

Of course you do.

What about the one your mother ripped

up? About the vampire bullies.

Zombie bullies!

That's the one.

I think your coat might have

dropped in something bad.

Story!

"In the graveyard,

the three bullies rose,

"snarling from the dead..."

I like it already.

Shh!

"Only one girl could stop them."

Good night, Duchess.

"She lay there, unaware

that the next few days

would change her life for ever..."

"The zombie bullies

lay headless on the ground,

"their toes twitching

and smouldering

"until finally, slowly,

"they fell still.

"The end."

Goodnight, Mr Stink.

"Lord and Lady Darlington."

"Darlington House, Oxfordshire."

What are you up to?

Shh, you'll wake everyone up.

I said, what are you up...

Ow!

What's that awful smell?

What on earth is going on?

I need my beauty sleep.

You know I'm on TV

first thing in the morning.

What's that awful smell?

I saw Chloe going in and out of

the shed with some food.

She's got someone in there.

Are you hiding someone in there?

No.

I don't believe you.

What's that awful smell?

I need you to go down to the shed.

Me? Yes, you.

I know it's on your to-do list,

but I'm not strimming at this time

of night!

Your daughter is hiding someone

in there.

No, I'm not!

Let's all go back to bed,

I know I need to pee...

All right, I'll go!

No you won't,

this is mans' work!

ALL:
Ugh!

Hello? Anyone there? No.

There's no-one there.

Completely empty.

In fact, I've never seen a shed

so empty of people...

You're overdoing it.

Sorry!

Chloe...!

I was going to tell you, Dad.

I know Mum doesn't like the homeless

but it's cold and he had nowhere

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