Mr. Stink Page #3

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else to go.

All right! For the time being.

Promise you won't tell Mum?

If you don't tell her about me

losing my job.

Promise.

So we're live in ten seconds.

Ten, nine...

Don't forget to smile, everybody!

Eyes and teeth!

This is stupid! Shut your face!

Hello, we're at the home of

by-election candidate Mrs Crumb.

Uh, it's Croom. It's Crumb.

You seem to have the perfect

family life. Yes, I do.

And yet you're entering the, some

would say, murky world of politics.

Where there is murk,

I will bring light. Where there is...

Yet your policies include

a pledge to drive the homeless

off the streets.

I believe that the homeless...

Who washed my coat?!

Sorry, um, you believe

the homeless should...?

Should be...

..invited by everyone to

live in their garden sheds.

He wasn't there when I looked.

Yes, invite the homeless

into your shed.

Sorry, can I ask you - what's it

like living with this family?

The service is painfully slow

and there could be a much wider

selection of biscuits.

And the worst thing is,

they wash your coat without asking!

Well, that's all for the Crumb

family and...

What's your name? Stink. Stink.

Mr Stink.

Mr Stink. And he certainly does.

Back to the studio.

I actually think that went

rather well, love.

Sorry about washing your coat.

I keep my private articles

in this coat.

I'm sorry, I just thought...

But you didn't think. I knew

I should never have stayed here.

Please.

That's the problem with do-gooding.

In the end, its all about the doer

rather than the do-ee. No...

So you end up with doo-doo.

Goodbye.

Hiya, love!

There's someone asleep

under the leaves!

He won't hear you!

He wears ear plugs made of poo!

Be confident. Fear nobody.

Stop!

Sorry.

Who washed my coat?!

Wow.

Can you tell Annabelle dinner's

ready? Can't we let her sleep?

She's really tired.

Nonsense, she's a human dynamo.

And she's got Channel swimming

training first thing

tomorrow morning. She needs to eat.

Annabelle!

Hello, Croom residence.

BOTH:
Crumb residence.

Politics Tonight? The TV programme?

Yes, I'd be delighted!

You want that tramp as well?

No, no, I won't appear with him.

Ill see you there in an hour.

They won't have me on without HIM.

Where is he?

I don't know.

Well, let's go out and find him.

Stop!

Sorry about your coat.

So am I. It stinks of

Ocean Breeze now.

I can be a bit of an old grump

sometimes.

Me, too!

You get used to it after a while.

It defeats me

why he has to appear, too.

Mr Stink is an internet sensation.

He's gone viral.

I'm not surprised -

he's probably teeming with lice.

You'll be pleased to know

I'm louse-free.

Thank the Lord for small mercies.

Although I'm no stranger to worms.

Welcome. With just over a week to

go until a crucial by-election,

we have representatives

from all the major parties,

and a homeless man

who goes by the name of... Mr Stink.

Would this be a good time

to use the lavatory?

No, we are on live television.

Not a number two,

just a number one.

No! Now...

Although sometimes you're having

a number one and you think,

"Hello, now I need a number two..."

Lets get on with the programme,

shall we?

Can I have the first question,

please? Yes, lady there.

Good evening.

One moment, please.

Should we...

Um, with hundreds of thousands

of people sleeping rough

on our streets,

should we all invite

a homeless person

into our home for Christmas?

Perhaps you'd care to start us off,

Mrs Crumb.

In fact it's Croom.

BOTH:
It's Crumb.

Yes, out of the kindness

of my heart, I invited

this filthy beggar man

out of the cold to come

and live in our garden shed.

If I have a fault,

it's that I'm too nice.

That's a great big pile

of steaming poo!

Id go even further and say

it is a great big pile of poo

with a cherry on top!

It was your daughter who invited me

to live in the shed.

Well, I, um...

In fact, Miss Chloe is here tonight.

I've been sleeping rough

for half a lifetime.

I'm a difficult man.

Ask the Duchess.

But this young girl persisted

with me.

If everyone in the country

were like her...

Well, it'd be horrible -

60 million spotty 12-year-olds.

If everyone were like her, perhaps

we'd have no more homelessness.

We homeless aren't a statistic.

We are people.

So, Mrs Crumb, why did you lie?

Was it perhaps to further

your election campaign?

No, no...

Oh, come now.

I for one would welcome Mr Stink

into my house.

You wouldn't, you big fat liar!

He absolutely reeks.

Flies run away screaming.

He stinks!

Well, that's got the programme

off to a lively start.

We should have you on every week.

You couldn't afford me, dear.

DISTANT SHOUTING: We want Stink!

We want Stink! We want Stink...!

Mr Stink!

Mr Stink, wake up!

Good morning, Miss Chloe.

Tell Cook Ill have a kipper.

No! Half the town's

turned up to see you!

Why would they do that?

They watched you on telly last night.

They love you.

I can't believe the PM

has deselected me.

Well, not just that.

He's thrown you out of the party.

Thank you!

OK, so you've suffered a tiny setback

in your political ambitions.

No, its all over for me.

Because of...

..THAT creature.

Sorry, Mum.

Can I peel you an orange?

Stay away from my fruit!

Be confident. Fear nobody.

Where's your wetsuit?

It's too cold. I don't want to go.

What?

I said I don't want to go.

Let's give her a break, love.

Let her be a little girl again.

By the way, I lost my job

two months ago

and I've been hiding in the cupboard

under the stairs. There, I said it.

Hello, Cherry Crumb.

Croom.

It's Crumb! It's Crumb.

It's the Prime Minister.

He's changed his mind!

OK, I'll pass you over.

Hello, Stink speaking...

Uh-huh. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. What's he saying?

I have no idea. I must still have

a rabbit dropping in that ear.

Ah, that's better.

I see. Let me think about that

for a moment, sir.

The PM says there's a vacancy

as candidate now Mrs Crumb's

been sacked,

and would I like to stand?

You must! Think of all the good

you could do for homeless people.

Fine. I'll see you this afternoon.

What's your address...?

Let me write that down.

10 Downing Street. Thank you

so much. Goodbye.

You're meeting a head of state, pal.

You do...

need a... bath.

Then I shall have a bath.

With knobs on.

Chloe!

Mr Stink! What on earth

do you think you're doing?

In the words of

12-year-olds everywhere,

"Duh, I'm having a bath!"

I think you'll find...

Although technically

I suppose I'm having a pond!

We ran you a nice, hot bath.

Indoor baths are most unhygienic.

Mrs Crumb, would you be good enough

to pass me that towel?

Child. Avert thine eyes.

Thank you, my good woman.

Unimaginable kindness.

Clean as a whistle.

What do you call a man

who has paper trousers?

"I don't know, Sid." Russell!

Do you get it?

So nice not to be doing anything

for once. Thanks.

Um, do you fancy helping me?

OK. What are we doing?

Are you sure I need one of these

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