Mr. Troop Mom

Have a good day, baby.

I love you, Snuggle Bear.

You remember

your inhaler?

Oh, not you, Mrs. B.

You have a good day too.

All right, kids. Learn a lot.

You're our future.

Sorry, but I just got up. Bye.

Oh! Oh. Ah.

Spring Action Classic meeting tonight.

I'm counting on you, Dad.

Throwing yourself off that stage.

Landing in the arms of adoring fans.

Man, that must feel great.

Of course, when no one catches you...

...not so great.

Opposing counsel presented the argument

that it was my client's band...

...that was responsible for the music.

And it was the music

that made that dude do it.

He did it. You can't argue with that.

I know me...

...soon as I hear music, I gotta rock.

Dink-dink-dink, din-din-din-din.

Mr. Serrano,

I think you've made your point.

You don't get it, judge.

It's not me, it's the music.

It makes me crazy.

Mr. Serrano, last chance.

Crazy.

- Last chance, Mr. Serrano.

I'm crazy.

But not that crazy.

We are all responsible

for our own actions.

And those actions

come with consequences. Rock on.

Sixty seven, 68, 69...

...$369.22.

I thought we needed to raise 500

to go to the Classic.

- Hello, Paulina? We're short.

- Oh.

I heard Skyler's team's raised zip.

That's because her mother

will just give it to her anyway.

- We need that money and fast.

- Yeah.

- What are you doing?

- Texting Paulina, to remind her.

- She's right here.

- This is faster.

- Okay.

- Incoming.

Hey, Naomi. Raising money

to go to the Classic? So diligent.

It's gonna be the biggest

Spring Action Classic weekend ever.

- This year, we're bringing home that trophy.

- My goodness, I'm shivering, I'm so scared.

- Save it for the weekend.

- Yeah, save it, doll. You're gonna need it.

Spring Action Classic meeting tonight.

I'm counting on you, Dad.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Take the deal. Take the deal, you idiot.

- Oh, look who it is, Mr. No-Show.

- Okay, don't start with me.

Mr. Sure-I'll-Be-There.

- Not. Mr. I'm-So-Busy-I-Can't.

- Okay, where's Naomi?

Where do you think, brainiac?

She's in her room.

Remind me again why I work for you.

Come on. You need a car wash!

Come on, please.

Come on, get a car wash!

Two, four, six, eight!

Come on. Car wash!

Five dollars. Don't you have $5 to spare?

Not a single car? Not even one?

Okay. Don't be discouraged.

It's still early. Anybody want a snack?

Naomi, you've got to call your dad. Tell him

to send over some of his lawyer friends.

- Yeah, like, fancy cars and fat tips.

- He's in court. He'll kill me.

- What does it matter? We're already dead.

- Okay, okay, I'll do it, I'll go.

- Oh, my gosh. Got one.

- Come on, guys. Come on.

Oh, keep it going, keep it going.

- You need a real car wash.

- Gosh.

No.

- Keep going.

Sorry, losers.

We, the jury,

find Rocky Ferguson not guilty.

Yes. I owe you big time, Eddie.

If there is every anything...

I mean, anything you need...

- Concert tickets, you... Thank you.

- Oh, huggy-do.

Cut it out.

- Naomi.

- Dad? Stop.

- Guys, my phone.

- Hello?

Dad. Stop, guys.

Hello?

Hi. Naomi Serrano?

Hey, baby, you okay?

You hungry?

- I'll make you a bowl of cereal.

- I'm fine.

Okay.

Mommy's favorite song.

Yeah. Okay.

Get your rest.

What'd she like about it?

I mean, was she, like, some place special

when you guys heard it?

Were you guys doing something fun?

Something fun.

I forget.

Okay.

Dinner's in an hour.

A nine-year-old metro girl

has a new lease on life...

No TV during dinner.

- Are you gonna be home early every night?

- That's the plan, girlfriend.

Harry.

What's going on? What? When?

- Hang on. What are you doing?

- Homework.

- That's Naomi's homework.

- I know.

Well, shouldn't Naomi be doing it?

We have a game we play every night,

see who can do it faster.

It help me with my English.

And who usually wins this little game

you guys play every night?

Me.

I gotta call you back.

Let me ask you something.

You ever see Naomi's homework?

You don't. You know why you don't?

She's not doing it.

You know why?

Because you're doing it for her.

Smart girl. She know, can't beat me.

Look, look. I win again.

Naomi, you biggest loser.

I don't think so.

- I was in the middle of talking to Kayla.

- And now you're talking to me.

How long has Catalina been doing

your homework?

- It's just English, Dad. No big deal.

- Cheating on your homework is a big deal.

It's just homework. Chill.

Chill? When did you start

talking to me like that?

Like what?

Like, what... What did I miss?

Look, there are rules in this house

and doing your own homework tops the list.

So you're home early one day and all

of a sudden, there are these rules?

- Oh, she got a point there.

- Quiet.

Where do you think you're going?

Hold on a minute, Naomi.

I'm not done talking to you.

- Sam's here.

- Sam can wait.

- I wanna know what's going on.

- If you were ever here, you would know.

That's changing as of right now.

I'm still your father.

When it's convenient.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Is this a bad time?

- My dad's trying on his father cap.

Not a good fit.

That's it. I want you

to go back up to your room now.

Gladly. Sam.

And no computer, no phone,

no TV, no nothing.

No air.

And don't slam the door.

This is a bad time,

I'll just come back later.

No, no, no.

You get here just in time for fireworks.

I know, be quiet.

I was just dropping by

the release forms...

...for the Classic this weekend,

but I'll come back later.

Know what? It's fine.

Come in, Miss Dubinski.

Can you believe those kids?

If I talked to my dad like that, bam!

I'd be in critical condition, life support.

He hit me in 10th grade...

...I woke up senior year, cap and gown...

- Eddie.

- What's the matter?

I think I'm in labor.

You're pregnant? I thought you had

just been hitting the chips too hard.

I'm in labor, Eddie.

My water just broke.

All right. Is there something I can get you?

A towel? A bucket?

Okay, stay calm. Stay calm.

Stay calm. Breathe. I need some help.

Miss D's having a baby.

- Breathe, breathe, breathe.

- Mom.

- Mom, are you okay?

- Yeah.

Sam, call your dad.

Catalina, get some towels.

- She's not having the baby here, are you?

- Oh, God.

Relax, Eddie. I'm not gonna make it to

the hospital, okay? Talk about bad timing.

It gives the floor the just-waxed look.

I'm talking about this weekend.

The girls are gonna be so upset.

Don't worry. I'm sure one of

the other moms can take us.

Kayla's mother is sick and Paulina's

mother is on vacation and...

- What about you, Eddie?

- Me? You're kidding, right?

Do I look like I'm kidding?

No, no, no, I could never do what...

Never do what a mom does.

He can barely do what a dad does.

- What's all that negative?

- Get real. You'd be way out of your league.

- I'll do it.

- No way.

- I'll do it.

- No, as in not even way. No.

Yes, way. You are now looking

at your new Team Mom.

Man. Whatever.

Report to my campsite at 09000 hours.

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