Mr. Troop Mom Page #2

Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh.

This is gonna be so fun.

- Come on.

- I want the back seat.

Harry, this is your big chance.

I'm gonna be gone.

For how long?

- Just a couple of days.

Oh, my God. I'm so excited.

You'll be fine.

Find the fix, my man, find the fix.

Oh, where you going?

Fathers may perform the services

of Team Mom.

However, an adult female chaperone

is required on all out-of-town trips.

Page 11 of manual. Weep it and read.

Weep it and read.

Lot of cases here.

I don't know if I can handle these.

You will be fine.

Eddie?

- I'm a big fan of yours.

There's, like, 30 cases here.

- I will be back before you know it.

Eddie.

- Bye, Harry.

Eddie. Eddie!

- Ah! Hey, you scared me.

- Hello, Eddie.

- Hi, Denise.

- Well, what do you know?

- Just dropping off?

- Yeah... Uh, no.

I'm actually Team Mom this year.

Oh, Eddie.

Oh, you are so funny.

- Where's Mrs. Dubinski?

- She had her baby.

A boy, 50 pounds, 8 ounces.

I know because she had it in my foyer.

Oh, well,

talk about a turn of events, huh?

Let the games begin.

Awkward.

Welcome to the fifth annual

Spring Action Classic at Hulka's Rock.

Congratulations, girls.

You have worked hard to be here...

...and you have made

your schools proud.

Now, are you ready to have some fun?

Sorry, I thought

this microphone was working.

I said, are you ready to have some fun?

- Where are all the dudes?

- Now, it is my pleasure...

...to introduce you

to the director of activities...

...and host again

to our Spring Action Classic.

The highly decorated commander in chief,

Miss Hulka.

You will be challenged this weekend,

both as a team and as individuals.

The weak among you will be weeded out.

And only one team

will earn the respect...

...the right, and the honor

to be called Hulka's Heroes.

Who will be taking home the

Spring Action Classic trophy this year?

That'd be us.

Will it be the Dragon Flies?

How about them Killer Bees?

- Whatever.

- Or will it be last year's returning champs...

...The Wasps?

Dad.

- What's up, fool?

Hey.

- I'll need you to bring me a few things.

- Okay, write this down.

- Turn it off.

Eddie. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

It locked. I'm not sure what the code is.

- Dad.

- It locked. Five...

Shut it off.

Sorry, sir, my bad.

Come on, guys.

- The cabin.

Look at the cabin. Oh, I'm so excited.

Me too, awesome.

Come on, Catalina.

Shotty top bunk.

Where do you think you're going?

- My cabin.

- Isn't this...?

- For the girls.

You're right here.

Right where?

Right here.

- Here you go.

- What's this?

A tent.

- Need help setting it up?

- I beg your pardon?

It's a tent.

Do you need help setting it up?

I been camping since I was 18 months old.

Do you understand?

Soon as they cut my cord,

I was in the woods. I didn't have a bib.

I had a vest with a lot of zippers.

Wipes, binky.

I drank milk out of a canteen.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Thank you very much, but I got it.

- What is your name?

- CC.

Okay, CC, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'll make you a blouse out of tree bark.

- Really?

- Really.

I mean, I've camped a lot. Well, it

wasn't somewhere like this, luxurious.

I mean, it was deep. Deep woods. Frozen.

- You know, baby-verses-nature stuff.

- Right.

Whereabouts do you do

this deep camping?

It was far.

It was over, you know, this ravine.

You had to traverse,

and it was down and across.

No names though.

No towns or no camps.

Just signs that would say:

- Huh.

- Mosquitoes got lost.

They'd just jump on you,

just for a ride back.

Well, gosh, you're a real mountain man.

I just shaved my beard with a rock.

The dull part.

Huh.

Well, it is gonna be something

having you here this weekend, Eddie.

- I appreciate that, thank you.

- Okay.

Oh, when you are set up, Miss Hulka

would like to see you in her office, okay?

Okay. You know what?

Tell her she doesn't have to call me.

Just rub a couple twigs together,

I'll just pick up the sound.

Right.

Okay.

- Wanna know my Indian name?

- The tent, Eddie.

- Focus on the tent.

- It's Dances With Squirrels.

I just grab their little:

Oh, my God.

- I call top bunk.

Paulina, I'm on the bottom.

- Where's my eyeliner?

God, that doesn't go there.

What a...?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Anybody home?

Wow.

- Teeth look really sharp.

- Do not touch.

Sorry.

Flatlander.

Softy.

Slacker.

It's my job to know the enemy.

Know the enemy, what?

Hey, how did you get ahold of my stuff?

Nose clippers, hair gel,

world's loudest cell phone.

Unauthorized.

- Who sent you?

- What?

You from OSHA?

I think there's been kind

of a misunderstanding. I...

Sneak attack, huh? Sending a man in?

A whole dad thing?

Very good cover story.

So OSHA wants to make sure

my camp is up to snuff.

Look, I'm not from OSHA.

You a lawyer?

Because I can smell a lawyer.

I'm a lawyer. But I'm not from...

My camp is always blue-ribbon ready,

Mr. Serrano.

I pride myself on clean barracks, good

chow and plenty of fresh air and exercise.

- Wow, lady, look...

- Miss Hulka.

Miss Hulka, I'm having some issues

with my daughter, Naomi.

That's the only reason I'm here.

- How much do you weigh?

- I'm sorry?

Maybe 200? No, more like 195.

Lightweight.

But then we both know that, don't we?

- Don't we?

- Yes, sir.

- Sergeant Commander Hulka.

- Your uniform.

It's to be worn at all times.

Whatever your ulterior motives,

Mr. Serrano...

...I guarantee

that when you leave my mountain...

...you will be a changed man.

I'm starting to feel the change already.

So I'll just collect my stuff...

Oh, okay. Another time.

This ain't gonna happen.

I wanna win so bad this year, Sam.

But if we have my dad...

If it weren't for your dad,

we wouldn't even be here.

- Snap out of it, Naomi. He'll be fine.

- Did you see him try to pitch his tent?

- Pathetic.

- But really funny.

Oh, my gosh, what's that smell?

What's that smell?

What's that terrible smell? Oh, it's Skyler.

Funny, Sam.

Not very age appropriate, but funny.

- Bumble Bees?

- More like Fumble Bees.

That is so funny.

Look at me, I'm dying inside.

Come on, we can do this.

Killer Bees rule.

Yeah. Killer Bees rule.

Come on. It's a little hike, fresh air.

- A little exercise, it'll do you good.

- Nope.

What do you mean "no"? They just need

a mom for a couple of hours.

- Besides, I got a lot of work I gotta do.

- You the king bee, buzz off.

That's funny. King bee, get it, get it?

- If I was a bee, I'd sting you in your neck.

- You lie in your tent, now you make it.

Good morning, campers,

and welcome to the flag challenge.

Hey, I'm talking.

That's it, everybody. Right here.

Each team

has been given a different map.

The goal is to navigate that mountain

and collect all three colored flags.

Team Moms will participate in the

mountain challenge and are responsible...

...for their girls' safety and conduct.

All right, ladies,

let's set a good example, huh?

Let's go, girls.

This is your 10-minute warning, okay?

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