Mr. Troop Mom Page #3

Now, it's our first event,

so let's warm up, do lots of stretching.

Unless you're intent on killing

every living creature in this forest...

...please stop spraying.

- Okay.

Where's your uniform?

I'm having it altered

because I was having a couple of issues.

If you think disobeying

my direct order...

...won't affect how your team finishes,

you got another thing coming, mister. CC.

- Yes.

- Deduct three points from this team.

- What?

- Thanks a lot, Dad.

Hey, enjoy your flag challenge.

I know I will.

Thank you, commander.

Oh, great.

Wow.

- You charmed the Hulk, huh?

- How could I not?

Too bad, I like a man in uniform.

I think you'd like any man alive.

It's exciting, huh?

- I'm thrilled.

- You and I going head-to-head.

Or should I say stinger-to-stinger?

- I'll save a place for you at dinner.

- Okay. Not hungry.

- Where's the map, Paulina?

- I put it right next to the compass, I think.

If you didn't have to keep running

to the bathroom every two minutes...

...to fix your hair, it might still be there.

- Sorry.

Lose something?

- Give that back.

- Not even a thank you...

...for returning something that I could

have easily left on the bathroom floor?

- It was on the bathroom floor?

- Give me that.

Maybe it should be more than

a thank you.

How about a little curtsy

from the princess?

How about a sock in the mouth

from her friend?

Try not to get lost.

- You girls ready?

- Just try not to embarrass us, Dad.

Embarrass you guys?

The other moms don't know

that I have cat-like reflexes. Like that:

Let the games begin.

Stay together!

Stay together!

- That way.

- Okay.

I knew that. Oh, my God.

Oh, boy.

All right, team. Whoa. Ouch. Ooh.

Careful.

All right, here we go. All right.

Guys, I found it.

- Right there.

We got it.

Hey, girls. I'm right here.

- Dad, hurry up.

- I'm coming, girls. I'm coming.

All right.

I might be old school,

but in my days, the leader went first.

Dad.

- I'm coming.

- That way.

- Yeah, up there.

Trying to lose the old man, huh?

That's nice.

Hey, look, I can see Russia from here.

Mr. Serrano, over here.

Hey, how did you

guys get ahead of me?

We found the second flag.

- Congratulations.

- Hurry up, Dad. We're losing time.

And I suppose a pregnant lady

would be better?

- Yeah.

- That hurt.

There's always a fix.

Hello, fix.

I got a bad feeling about this.

- I got it.

Okay.

Ow! That hurt. I think I may have peed.

Wait for me.

- My hair.

- You sure you know where we are?

- You know what my middle name is?

- What?

- GPS. I think it's this way.

Over here, come on.

- Come on.

- Come on.

- They fall for it?

Oh, yeah.

My feet hurt.

- Me too.

Me three.

- You guys are so delicate.

This can't be right. We should have

reached the last flag by now.

- I have to go the bathroom.

- Yeah, no problem, it's over there.

Oh. Where?

Right there, right there, right there,

and right there.

- They're called trees, pick one.

- A tree? Outside?

You wanna know what

they call leaves?

I can wait.

Skyler.

What about her?

The map doesn't make sense...

...because she changed it.

They should have been back by now.

Two tours, never lost a soldier.

- What was that?

- Some kind of bird, I hope.

Those are awful big birds.

- I don't think I can hold it any longer.

- You're not the only one.

Oh, I've been hit. Oh!

Man down.

Call 911. I'm so cold.

- Medic, man down.

- You weren't shot, Dad.

Then what is it,

some kind of bird puke?

You've been slimed.

Hey. Whoever's out there,

you don't know who you're messing with.

Help.

- Okay, that's it, I need a tree.

- Mother, help.

Now, that guy's cute.

- This is ACP.

- AC what?

- Alien Catcher Property.

- Help.

I can't feel my legs.

- Do you know him?

- That's my dad.

- Code red. Code red.

- Call me on my cell, 555-5595.

Where'd everybody go?

Oh, oh, no. Oh, no, no. No.

No!

Look, I found it, I found it.

Cover for me when the girls go to sleep.

I need a hotel room, a shower, a bed.

I need to get back to my roots.

Sleeping outside is ridiculous.

Welcome to the jungle.

- I'll be back first thing in the morning.

- Okay, grab an extra pudding for me.

I take more than two,

people look at me funny.

Look at you funny?

It's not the pudding.

Hello.

Thank God you called.

I've been trying to get ahold of you all day.

- I got hung up.

- No, don't hang up. Don't hang up.

I did everything with the McQuade case

and the DA still refuses to settle.

Do you have any idea

what my father's gonna do...

...if I have to lose my first case?

He's gonna kill me.

Daddy's boy, take it easy.

It's lights out here at 10:00,

so why don't you meet me here at 10:30?

Tonight? I can meet you at 10:30.

That's great. No problem.

At the service entrance. And, Harry,

bring me a few things. Write this down.

A blow-up mattress, a portable heater

and a fully-charged cell phone.

And while you're at it,

throw in a bottle of aspirin.

I got a feeling

it's gonna be a long weekend.

Okay, bye, Grandma, I love you so much.

What? No, your grandma?

I don't know where she lives.

There's ice cream in the freezer, bye.

That's my grandma. Just making sure

she has everything she needs.

- Grandma Harry?

- Um, Harriet.

- That phone is for emergency use only.

- And that's why I used it.

This is an extreme emergency.

She's very sick.

As a matter of fact, it is a five-level

disease that is ravaging her body.

There's brain, kidney, liver, clots...

...that have manifested and magnified

in her elbow.

She is an amazingly strong woman,

and it's so hard...

...to see her, like, the way she is.

Right, and I bet she lives in a little town

in the mountain where the signs just say:

Yes, yes.

She was valedictorian

and it's hard for her...

...because she has the right answers

but she can't raise her arm.

- Jesus, it's bad.

- Do you ever stop?

I'm never gonna be able to sleep

just thinking about him.

Who?

The cutie who shot your dad.

What if he's trying to call me?

I've never been this attracted

to a slimeballer.

I need my cell phone.

Lights out, ladies, it's 10:00.

You too, Naomi.

Mr. Serrano, could you just

please get me my cell phone back?

- Just for two seconds?

- Uh... Let me think about that. No.

- What's wrong with you?

- That fourth pudding got me.

Please?

Mr. Serrano, did you know

that bats are natural reservoirs...

...for many deadly pathogens such

as rabies, SARS and even Ebola virus?

You're too good at this.

Rent yourself out to parties.

It's okay, Dad.

She's just afraid of the dark.

- She does this every year.

- Many spiders, such as black widows...

...can inject venom that interferes

with body functions.

Good to know.

No, no.

- What's the matter?

- Sam's gum, it's in my hair.

- Oh, okay.

- Sit down, sit down. Little help here.

- Naomi.

- Find the fix. Find the fix.

- I need to be burped.

Dad, Dad, do something.

- Oh, no.

Hello, fix.

Good, good, good. Right there.

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