Mr. Woodcock

Ha!

What is this?

Uh!

Good hands, Nedderman.

Take a lap.

By itself, a basketball

is just a round sack of air.

Like many of you.

But in the hands of

someone properly trained...

in its use and skilled in its art...

this ball can do great things.

Oates, I can hear you

wheezing from here.

Take a lap. Lose the asthma.

To survive

outside these walls...

you need more than

just math and science.

The world does not stop...

for people who can spell

fancy words...

or tell you

the capital of Montana.

The capital of Montana, Watson?

- Helena?

- Who cares? Take a lap.

The only thing that matters

in this world, ladies, is strength.

Strength of body

and strength of mind.

Now if you're not

strong enough...

by the time you leave

these doors...

you may as well give up

and go home to your mommas.

Or grandma.

Put your hand down, Lewis.

We all know your parents died.

Give it a rest.

- Oh!

- Pick up the pace, Nedderman.

Well, Farley, it looks like you

forgot your gym clothes again.

No, sir, somebody--

It's a rhetorical question,

Farley.

- What?

- It's a rhetorical question.

That means you don't have

to answer it.

Because either

I already know the answer...

or I don't care

what your answer is.

You see, in my class, Farley...

everyone is required to wear

regulation gym shorts and shirt.

Gutierrez, go get the rentals.

Start changing.

- No, in line.

- What?

See, the locker room

is reserved...

for people who brought

the appropriate attire.

- You change here.

- It's OK, John. Be strong.

No talking, Nedderman. 10 laps.

Take Wheezy with you.

Come on, let's go.

The rentals, Farley,

that's 25 cents.

- But somebody stole my--

- l--I didn't ask you a question, Farley.

- Not even a rhetorical one.

- Uh...

It seems to me

that someone needs a lesson...

in personal responsibility.

Not even one chin-up,

Farley?

Can't hang on!

You are a disgrace to fat...

gelatinous, out-of-shape

little kids the world over.

I don't tolerate losers

in my gymnasium.

- Are you gonna be a loser?

- No, sir.

Rhetorical, Farley.

I already know the answer.

Heads up, Nedderman.

Uh!

Don't you even think

about letting go.

Uh!

- You guys ready to let go?

- Yeah!

All right!

- Mr. Farley?

- Oh, sure. How you doing?

- All right, what's your name?

- Scott.

John, you don't have

time for this.

- Oh...

- Bye-bye.

I'm sorry, guys.

- Keep letting go.

- John! John!

OK, now remember they're

all potential stalkers.

Most want an autograph

and a handshake...

but some of them want an

autograph and a handshake...

and then they want to

take you home, tie you up...

and saw your feet off.

- Well, hi there.

- John Farley.

Your book saved my life.

I didn't do anything.

You did it.

All I did was

give you the raft.

- You had to inflate it yourself.

- Mm-hm.

Mr. Farley, I used to feel

ostracized because of my weight.

But with your help I'm starting

to get my self-confidence back.

Ha! That's a great story.

Why don't you check out

the free coffee and donuts?

Oh!

By letting go, do you mean we

should just forget everything?

My mom said he wouldn't drink

so much...

if he could just forget about that summer

in Uncle Lou's house.

Well, we all have

an Uncle Lou.

And we all drink

for different reasons.

Long day.

I don't even think I can hold

a pen anymore.

Let me give you the same advice

I gave Nelson Mandela...

on his last book tour.

Quit whining, you p*ssy.

- That's helpful.

- You have no idea...

the stuff that

I am saving you from.

Some shithole in Nebraska

wanted to give you...

their corn husk bucket

or something.

The Corn Cob Key?

Uh, is that what it is?

L--I don't know. "The Forest--

"...Meadow Nebraska

Chamber of Commerce...

"wishes to award Mr. John Farley

the Corn Cob Key to the City."

Oh, my God. This is my hometown.

- This is awesome. What did you tell them?

- I told them yes.

- Really?

- No.

Why? Wait.

Maggie, the Corn Cob Key

is a huge honor.

They hardly ever

give it out anymore...

but when they do it's the

highlight of the whole cornival.

I'm sorry.

Did you just say cornival?

Well, yeah. It's a farm town...

so, you know, every year

we have this big celebration.

Corn carnival. Cornival.

- Cornival.

- Maggie, you don't understand.

My mom was Corn Cob Queen

in 1970.

I mean, she still rides

in the parade every year.

- This will mean so much to her.

- Cornival?

You know what?

Call them back.

I could fly in tomorrow

and surprise her. It's perfect.

You would need a court order

to make me go see my mom.

This is different. Since my dad

died, I'm all she's got.

Oh, your dad's dead?

It's a major theme of my book.

The whole last chapter's

about how I let go of that pain.

You haven't read my book,

have you?

Well, there's no point now.

You just ruined the ending.

Hi, John!

Welcome home, John. Ha ha ha!

Luke Jessop, uh, Forest Meadow

Town Council.

We appreciate you taking time

out of your busy schedule...

to--to--to come home and see

the little people.

Thank you. This is great.

It's an honor to be considered

worthy of the Corn Cob Key.

Well, you've earned it, young--

Young man.

We are mighty proud of you.

So on behalf of--of--

Well, of all of us, John...

- Corn-gratulations!

- Ha ha ha!

...Famous award-winning corn chowder--

- Johnny! Oh, my God, you're here!

- Hey!

- How are you?

- Oh!

I heard your news and I tried to

call you but now you're here!

I was flying in.

I wanted to surprise you.

- Oh! I am so proud of you.

- Thank you, Mom.

How's it going?

Is the book tour good?

- Yeah, it's good.

- Are you having fun?

Yeah, I'm happy. You look great.

- Thanks.

- Yeah. You going somewhere?

Yeah. I have a date.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- A--Are you seeing someone?

- Yeah.

Oh, my God. That's fantastic.

For how long?

- 5 months.

- What? Why didn't you mention it?

Oh, because you don't like

to hear when I have a date.

- Oh, well, so what's he like?

- Oh, he's great.

He's so handsome and he's--

he's sweet and consid--

- He's a gentleman.

- Oh, Mom, I'm so happy for you.

- Thanks.

- I can't wait to meet him.

- You know, you know him already.

- I do?

Yeah.

Mr. Woodcock?

Farley, I brought you

some daisies.

- Jasper!

- Sorry, I'm late, honey.

That's OK.

Uh, this is Johnny.

My son.

Do you remember him now?

No.

- But I've heard a lot.

- Hm.

It's not every day you get to

shake hands with a celebrity.

Ha ha ha!

- Uh, you ready for dinner?

- Mm-hm.

I don't know

about you...

but I've been thinking

about meat all day long.

I can't believe

you don't remember him.

He was the cutest kid.

About this high

with his chubby little cheeks.

- Mom.

- I had a lot of fat kids over the years.

Oh, he wasn't fat!

Wait a minute.

It's coming back to me.

You're not that kid

that got the squirts...

on the balance beam

that time, were you?

- Jasper.

- No.

Actually I remember you

pretty well.

You kinda gave me a lot of

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