Mr. Woodcock Page #2

personal attention back then.

- Aw.

- Well, I take a healthy interest in the kids.

Serves them well

later in life.

Oh, that's so true, that's

so true. And that is why...

they're making Jasper

the Educator of the Year.

- You're kidding!

- Why would she be kidding?

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!

You know what I just realized?

Both of my fellas are being

honored in the same week.

They're giving Johnny

the Corn Cob Key.

You're kidding.

So I'm doing laps at the Y

and he's in the next lane...

and all of a sudden my leg

seizes up and I go under.

It was a bad cramp.

And if I remember correctly...

I think it was about...

- Right here.

- Ha ha ha.

Ahem. So he saved

your life, then?

Well, it was

the shallow end.

You can drown

in six inches of water.

- That is so true.

- Hm.

Well, if you will

excuse me...

I am going to, uh,

the ladies room.

You boys behave yourself.

So what's your book about?

Oh. Um...

well, it teaches people how to

release painful memories...

so they can rebuild

their self-esteem.

It's called Letting Go.

How To Get Past Your Past.

I'm already past my past.

That's why

it's called my past.

Well, some people

find my book helpful.

Lot of losers out there,

I guess.

Well, would you like

an espresso, er, cappuccino...?

- Um, a cup--

- Just the check.

Oh, OK.

Thanks, guys.

Um, my treat.

You're the guest.

I'll take care of it.

No, really, it's fine.

I can afford it.

So you're saying I can't?

No, of course not.

Well, then, why don't you take

your own advice and, uh, let go?

Thank you, Jasper.

That is so sweet.

Johnny, don't you have

something to say?

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

- Ha ha ha.

- I swear to God it's true.

No, no, no. No. No.

Thank you, honey.

No, I don't believe you.

You did not beat Santa Claus up.

- Stop it.

- I was 7 years old at the time.

And some kids at school told me

that there's no Santa Claus.

Uh-huh?

Well, on Christmas Eve

when I come downstairs...

and see some guy messing around

under the Christmas tree...

I go to my dad's closet...

- and get a three wood--

- Oh, no!

And next thing you know,

Uncle Bob's in the hospital.

No! Oh, poor Uncle Bob.

Ate the entire Christmas dinner

through a straw that year.

- No!

- Yeah.

What a great story.

Well, I guess we'd better

call it a night.

It's good to see you,

Mr. Woodcock.

Well, I guess I could let you

have her for one night, Farley.

Probably good for

the old hip flexor...

to take a night off anyway, huh?

- Jasper!

- Ha ha ha! Yeah.

That was a fun night.

Come on, you guys!

You guys! Ooooohhhhhh! Mmmm!

- I'll call you tomorrow, honey.

- OK.

- Farley.

- Yep.

Mr. Woodcock.

And he is just so easy to be with.

Last month...

we went camping.

- You hate camping.

- I know!

I mean, it was just the 2 of us for 3 days...

and it was heaven.

Ha ha ha. It was great.

Wow.

Johnny, um...

this is really the first guy

since your father...

that... has felt right.

I'll get you some milk.

Oh! Look what I've got.

Chocolate, please.

I had a lot of fat kids over the years.

- This is Johnny.

- A lot of fat kids.

Remember him now?

No. A lot of losers out there, I guess.

Arrgh!

Probably good

for the old hip flexor...

to take a night off anyway, huh?

Ha ha ha!

When did you get here?

About 10 minutes after you said

good night to me.

Not even one chin-up, Farley?

You are a disgrace to fat...

gelatinous, out-of-shape

little kids the world over.

- Can I get a glass of water, please?

- Sure.

Son of a b*tch!

- I'm sorry.

- John Farley?

- Nedderman?

- I can't believe it's really you!

I've read your book like 900 times...

and I'm not just saying this...

it's totally changed my life!

Really? That's great, man.

Hell, yeah.

I work here full-time...

and also I'm starting

my own pool cleaning business.

All I've got so far is a van but--but

at least it's a start, right?

Well, every journey

has to start somewhere.

Chapter 2.

You're totally right.

Totally right.

Can you believe it?

The Woodcock pan pizza?

What's next,

the Hitler calzone?

Yeah, well, you're never

gonna believe this.

Mr. Deepdish

is dating my mom.

Woodcock?

He's doing your mom?

- Wait. I wouldn't say doing--

- Hear that, Mitch?

Woodcock's slamming

his mom!

- You don't have to announce it.

- Hey, guys!

Check it out. Woodcock's

stuffing this dude's mom.

Woodcock's pounding your mom?

Hey, hey, guys, come on.

Show a little respect.

How would you feel if Woodcock

was porking your mom?

Woodcock's porking your mom!

- Woodcock's porking your mom!

- Hey, shut your trap...

or you're not getting

that cheesy bread!

I want my cheesy bread!

Then shut up!

Keep your mouth shut and you get

your cheesy bread, all right?

I'm sorry about that.

You want a slice on the house?

Sausage and onion.

Extra sauce, right?

No, I don't really eat

that stuff anymore.

Yeah, yeah, l--l--I'd probably

lose my appetite too...

if Woodcock was giving it

to my mom.

The guy is pure evil.

You know he killed Oates?

- What?

- Yeah.

Remember, Woodcock used to

make Oates do, like, 6 miles...

every day after school?

The guy had bad asthma, dude,

you can't just run through that.

Holy sh*t.

Well, when did he die?

A couple of years ago.

But it was all Woodcock.

Ah--

Man, look, we can't blame

Woodcock for Oates's choices.

Oates coulda stopped

running, right?

When you make

a blame sandwich...

you gotta be prepared

to eat it yourself.

Chapter 10.

You're totally right.

So what are you gonna do?

I think it's time

Woodcock and I had a talk.

The shortest distance

between 2 people--

Communication.

God, you must get so laid.

Farley, pass the ball.

Not even one pull-up, Farley?

Are you gonna be a loser, Farley?

I don't tolerate losers

in my gymnasium.

Now, before we begin our

exploration of wiffleball...

I think a little equipment check

is in order.

Well, Dunningham?

Spread 'em, Dunningham.

That's OK. I don't need to

see the cup, Dunningham.

Keep it in your pants.

You see, ladies, it's important

that you come prepared to class.

Because when we're prepared...

then we're ready to face

life's challenges.

Well, Farley, let's see whether

or not you came prepared today.

Spread 'em.

Excuse me. Do you have

a visitors' pass?

Tracy Dettweiler?

- John Farley?

- Wh--You remember me?

Well, yeah, you're famous!

What are you doing here?

Oh, gee... what are you doing here?

Oh, l--I teach English.

- Wow.

- Ha ha ha!

I really wish I had you

as an English teacher.

I would have paid

way more attention in class.

Ha ha ha! Wait a minute.

What year were you in again?

Uh, same as you, actually.

- Really?

- Yeah. I was--

I was actually

your 7th grade lab partner.

Wait. Fat John?

- No way! Fat John!

- Yeah.

Yep, I was fat.

Ha ha ha!

Wow, you've changed a lot.

Yeah. Thank you.

You're welcome. A--And they're

giving you the Corn Cob Key.

- I mean, that's amazing.

- Nah, it's nothing.

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