Mr. Woodcock Page #3

Don't be modest.

L--l--I love your book.

I mean, you totally deserve

the award.

- Wh--Really?

- Yeah.

- Wow, thank you.

- Mm.

Say, listen, what are you doing

tonight? Do you want to, uh--um...

uh, a drink or go out for dinner

or something?

I'd... love to but l--I can't.

I've got cheerleading practice.

- That's awesome.

- No!

I'm the coach now.

- Oh, oh.

- Yeah.

Um, h--here's my number.

Call me.

- I will.

- OK. Bye.

Bye.

God, I'm so glad

I wrote that book!

According to my syllabus...

we should be

well into wrestling by now.

But because of

your lack of focus...

we've yet to get past

the fundamentals of kickball.

Kreamer, first rule of Bunting.

Um, do--don't--

There is no Bunting

in kickball, Kreamer.

Set of ten.

Henderson, is there a reason

why your shoe is untied?

- Um--

- You see on the kickball field...

a screw-up like that

can put you in a wheelchair.

You'll end up

writing your name...

with a pencil taped

to your head...

the rest of your life.

Set of ten.

Until you learn

the basics of any sport...

you cannot participate in it...

let alone excel in it.

What are you doing in my class?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to interrupt.

Well, you did. Set of ten.

- What?

- It was a joke.

- What do you want?

- Maybe I should just come back.

Maybe you should spit it out now...

so I don't have to

explain to their parents...

why they didn't graduate on time.

Well, I've just been feeling...

like there's been

some tension between us.

Like at dinner,

with the check, and uh...

I guess I just

wanted to say...

that some of that

might have been my fault.

I'm sorry,

he seems to be in pain.

- Who?

- Him!

He's fine. Kreamer,

off your knees.

Well, he doesn't look fine.

Listen, I have

a class to teach...

so why don't you get to

your point, if you've got one?

I guess I just wanted

to say I'm sorry.

And I'm sure for your part

you're a little sorry too.

- I don't do sorry.

- What?

Sorry is for criminals and

screw-ups and I'm neither one.

Get up, Henderson.

Not you, Kreamer.

Now, if you don't mind...

these children

are in need of an education.

Schwartz, you better

fight your way...

past that stutter of yours...

and tell me about the pop fly

rule as it pertains to kickball.

W--Well, it--it--

It--

- When--

- S--s--s--s--s--s--s--set of ten.

Fine. My mom wants to date that

a**hole, she can go right ahead.

Chapter 12. Never interfere

in other people's lives.

I don't think

Mr. Woodcock's right for you.

- Really?

- Yeah.

He's, um...

well, the truth is, he's not

a very nice person, Mom.

- He isn't?

- Do you remember when I used to...

come home crying

every day after school?

You were so sensitive.

That's why you're

so good at what you do.

It's not about being sensitive, Mom.

He made all of us miserable.

Sweetheart, you just

hated anything athletic.

You can't blame Jasper for that.

You don't know him like I do.

And you don't know him like I do.

- He touched me.

- What?

OK, that's not true.

But he's mean, and he's cruel.

Mom, I'm telling you,

he's still--

He's still what?

He's still teaching gym.

- Oh! What'd you bring me?

- Dinner.

Sorry I'm late. Had a long day.

Got a little behind.

Wow. Jasper grills

the best beef in Nebraska.

Well, I am known for my meat.

You only got 2 though,

sweetie.

I'm sorry. I guess it

must have slipped my mind.

John, you don't mind

running to the store, do you?

No.

Take your time.

"I'm known for my meat!"

"I'm known for my meat."

Actually, you're not known

for your meat, Woodcock.

You're known for emotionally crippling...

an entire generation of children.

D*ckhead!

Mom.

Sweetheart.

What's wrong?

Jasper and I are no longer dating.

Oh.

That's so sad.

What happened?

We're engaged.

Oh.

Have we heard

a congratulations yet?

Oh, I think he's in shock.

That's so good.

Oh, I'll get it.

I wanna start spreading the news.

Mm.

Ha ha ha.

Hello?

Well, it looks like

I'm gonna be your new dad.

Come on, Johnny.

Stay, help us celebrate.

Sorry, Mom.

Book tour emergency.

I have to get to the airport.

- You haven't eaten.

- L--I'll grab something on the way.

I love you, Mom.

It's great to see you.

I love you too.

Farley.

Be safe.

Eenie, meanie, miney...

Farley.

There's no truer test

of the human spirit...

than wrestling.

That's called a takedown.

Get up, Farley.

There are many kinds

of takedowns.

Today, we're going to

cover some of my favorites.

This is called the head and arm.

This is called

the single leg sweep.

You step and you sweep!

This is called

the fireman's throw.

Shoot the crotch,

collapse the hip and sling shot.

OK, Farley, you're up.

What?

Put me on the mat.

Come on. You were paying

attention, weren't you?

Let's go.

OK, take me down.

You see there is no reason why

even a little porker like this...

shouldn't be able to take me

straight to the mat.

I once saw a 4-foot Laotian...

twist a 250lb Swede so hard...

that he mopped

the bleachers with his blood.

The only reason I'm still standing...

is because you don't believe

in yourself, Farley!

You don't believe in yourself!

Stop the cab! Stop!

Don't believe in myself, my ass!

I invented believing in yourself.

No way in hell this guy's gonna

run me out of my own house.

Wow. Woodcock's still

plowing your mom, huh?

He's marrying her.

Wait, Woodcock's marrying your mom?

Ha ha ha. Dudes!

Don't even think about it!

Get me a pitcher!

What is that, Canadian bacon?

So I guess the talk didn't go very well?

God, can you imagine my family

with Woodcock in it?

A tie for Christmas, Farley?

Set of ten!

You didn't eat your vegetables?

Take a lap.

You call that a grandchild?

Rhetorical question, Farley.

That sucks.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna kill Woodcock.

- And you're gonna help me.

- John.

I've already got 2 strikes

and I can't be a part of--

I'm just venting here. Is that

OK? Is it OK if a guy vents?

Yeah, sure, because I thought

you were serious.

Ha! I've got it.

I'm gonna break them up.

How are you gonna do that?

You see, I made a mistake before.

I let him take me out of my game.

But this time,

I'm gonna get inside his head...

and spin him like a top.

That's good. I don't remember

anything like that in your book.

It's not in my book, Nedderman.

- Hello.

- Hey, John.

- How's my favorite author?

- Hey, Maggie.

Hold on a second.

OK, Mommy time's over.

But don't be sad.

Yeah, uh, actually, I gotta

talk to you about that.

I know you have some kind of

corn chowder thing on Sunday...

but look, I have amazing news.

Oprah...

is seriously considering

your book for the book club.

It's unbelievable. I have you

on a 9:
30 flight out...

and then I'll meet you on the

connecting flight in St. Louis.

Maggie, I can't.

- It's a long story but l--I can't.

- Knock it off!

- You can't what?

- I can't make it to Chicago.

My mom needs me. She's about

to marry the Antichrist.

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