Mr. Woodcock Page #4

Look, I don't care

if your granny's on fire.

This is Oprah.

She farts on a book...

and it magically

sells a million copies.

Just get your ass on that plane!

- Maggie, please, listen...

- Breaking up this phone call.

Get on... plane tomorrow.

Hey! Where are you going?

W--Wait! Tell me more about your wife!

Mom?

See, I made a mistake before.

I let him take me off my game.

But this time I'm gonna get

inside his head...

and spin him like a top.

Spin him like a top.

- Spin him like...

- Tickle machine!

No, no, no!

Not a tickle machine. No!

Oh, oh, stop it!

Oh, Jasper, mind--

Who was that?

I think someone's in the house.

- Don't worry, I got it.

- Be careful.

Oh, sh*t!

No, no! Oh! Ow! Ow!

Ow, it's me! It's me! It's John!

Stop! Ow! Stop! It's John, man!

- Oh! Johnny!

- What the hell, Woodcock?

Well, it was dark.

Instinct took over.

What about when I said,

"It's me! It's John!"

John's a very common name.

There could be a burglar named John.

What burglar shouts out

his own name?

I'm sure it was an accident,

sweetie. L--um--

Honey, I thought you were in danger.

Oh.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Well, uh, J--John,

what are you doing here?

I thought about it...

and I just didn't want

to disappoint you, Mom.

Aw, that is so sweet.

- Are you sure you're all right?

- Yeah, I'm great.

All right, well, then, um...

- we'll see you in the morning.

- Great.

Come on, Jasper.

Farley.

So you really didn't know

it was me last night?

Well, that's what happens...

when you go sneaking around

someone else's house.

What do you mean,

someone else's house?

Well, last time I checked, chief...

you don't live here anymore.

That's not the point.

- Morning. Oh, no, sweetheart. Oh, my God.

- Sorry.

That is so rude. Don't do that.

- Good morning.

- Good morning.

- I love you.

- Oh, thank you.

Oh, I love you too.

- I love you so much.

- Aww. Thank you.

He's the best.

Well, if it isn't

the future Mrs. Woodcock.

Aww.

Mmmmm. Mmmmmm.

Mmmm! Ha ha!

Hey, Jasper. How about we spend

the day together?

Get to know each other better,

you know?

- What a great idea.

- Yeah.

Actually, I have a lot

on my plate today, John.

Oh, come on. We'll have fun.

- Mmm!

- I'll take a rain check.

Honey.

I'm glad we're doing this.

Getting to know each other better...

talking things out.

Conversation leads

to inspiration, right?

That's from my book.

Ah, I'll get you a copy.

Look, I love my mom.

We're very, very close.

Not in a weird way, of course.

Just close.

Listen, we could be pals.

We could be guys

that sit and watch foot--

...hanging loose at the gym.

To me, this is what life is about.

Now, I'm not saying there's

a problem here. I don't judge.

You guys have only known

each other 5 months.

You've got your whole life

ahead of you. You could be kids.

I don't know what you guys

like to do...

but it's just

that's--that's what's important.

I'm just trying to tell you,

don't rush, OK?

Don't rush your life.

You know?

Running your mouth

doesn't count as exercise.

You gonna work out or what?

I think you'll survive.

You're not showering?

No, no. I'm good.

This is not France, Farley.

Maybe you don't mind smelling

like a nut sack all day...

but I gotta be in the car with you.

There are kids in Africa

who'd kill for a shower.

Come on, Farley. Move it.

You called me Farley.

You used to call me that

when I was in your class.

It's your name, isn't it?

You really don't remember me?

Well, with your innate athletic ability...

it's hard to believe, huh?

Do you remember what--

Simply rub the solution on your teeth...

wait a few moments and then rinse.

- Morning, boys.

- Jasper, you old side-winder.

Come to get your ears lowered?

Hey, you look like you could stand...

to have a little taken

off the top, you damn hippy.

Well, looks like you could stand...

to have a little taken off the

middle, you fat son of a b*tch.

Ha ha ha!

Hee hee hee.

You got an appointment?

- No, sir. I'm with him.

- Sit down, Farley.

God knows

you could use a little trim.

- Ha ha ha!

- I don't know, Jasper.

You think that boy

even knows what trim is?

Ha ha ha!

Sit down, Huckleberry.

- Maybe clean up the back a little bit.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, Jasper.

How's that hell cat of yours doing?

- Yeah, she's keeping me young.

- Yes, she is.

- In the sack.

- Ha!

Yeah, well, I'm gonna make

an honest woman out of her.

Thought you woulda learned

the first time.

Yeah, guess not.

You never told me

you were married before.

Yeah, well, I never told you about

my kidney stones either. So what?

Whoa! What are you doing?

Well, don't have a hissy fit, Nancy!

It's just a pair of clippers.

You knew they were gonna do that.

If you didn't want a haircut

you didn't have to get one.

This is not Russia.

- You're late, you fairy!

- How you doing, Dad?

All I do all day is watch Judge

Joe Brown and piss myself.

How the hell

do you think I'm doing?

Wait, you have a father?

Yes, Farley, I'm not Jesus.

- Who is this genius?

- It's, uh, Beverly's kid.

Looks like he got a little retard in him.

Are you simple, boy?

- Ha ha ha.

- So, Dad...

- I'm getting married.

- Again?

So--Yes.

Didn't you screw that up enough

the first time?

I'll give it 6 months. Oh, I'll

outlive this marriage. And you!

How down on her luck must your

momma be to marry a gym teacher?

She knows that he plays

hopscotch for a living, right?

- You think I'm funny, boy?

- No.

- You want to wrestle me?

- Uh, no, thank you.

Come on, wrestle an old man!

- Dad--

- Come on, cream puff!

My legs are as useless

as your little pecker, but come on!

- Dad, Dad--

- Come on!

I'm going to teach my class now.

Do you want to go to the pool?

Water sports is

for girls and sodomites!

Sodomites.

OK, I'll see you later, Dad.

- Well, it was a pleasure.

- Beat it, fruitcake!

He seems like a really nice guy.

You want a shoe up your ass, Farley?

No.

Robinson, go dump a bedpan.

OK, let's move it.

Get those arms up!

Where's Palumbo?

Palumbo, are you crippled and deaf?

Into the pool!

Palumbo, don't push me.

I think his hearing aid

is on the fritz.

I didn't ask you, did I, Weaver?

Well, no, I guess not.

Rhetorical question, Weaver.

Take a lap.

Oh. I was just trying to help!

Don't you think you're being

a little harsh with them?

They're just old, Farley.

They're not pathetic.

They enjoy a challenge.

Move those legs.

I'm not gonna ask you again, Palumbo.

Lose the attitude.

Oh, you think this is funny?

All right, that's it, Palumbo.

It's go time.

What the--

And Platts, don't think

I'm not watching you.

You're not the first person

in the world to get a hip replacement.

Pick up the pace!

OK, Palumbo,

this is your last chance.

Oh, really? OK,

we'll do it your way, then.

- Whoa, whoa--

- Sink or swim, old man.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no!

- Sink or swim!

Jesus, are you insane?

He doesn't need your help, Farley.

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