Mr. Woodcock Page #5

What the hell, man? Aah!

Sir, it's all right.

I'm trying to help you.

I'm trying to save your life!

Oh!

Hm.

Jackass!

Nice job, Scardusio.

Did you get any tongue?

No, but I get better suction

without the choppers.

Makes sense.

Oh!

Come on, Farley, let's saddle up.

I'm waiting for my clothes to dry.

- Hello?

- Hey, John.

I'm on an airplane heading for Chicago.

And you'll never guess

who's sitting next to me.

- Who?

- Nobody!

Now where is your ass

and why isn't it in seat 2A?

Man, just hold on a second.

I got another call.

- Hello?

- I got your message, dude.

- What's going on?

- Hey. Hold on.

You know, Mr. Woodcock,

I'm just gonna get myself home.

Suit yourself, Farley.

Just get some pants on.

This is not Miami.

Suddenly it makes sense.

Nedderman, Woodcock's

been married before.

Now, I need you to find out

who she is...

and then pick me up at Alterman's.

Right. The nursing home?

Yeah, and bring me some underwear.

Some of mine?

- Listen, Maggie.

- Hello?

Everything's going to sh*t

right now, OK?

I'm sorry. I'll call you tomorrow.

No, John, don't hang--

A**hole!

Excuse me. Hi.

Could I get a real bottle, please?

I'm an alcoholic, not a Barbie doll.

What happened to your head?

Just drive, Nedderman.

Her name is Sally Jensen.

Oh, good work!

Let's go see her right now.

Why?

Well, think about it, Nedderman.

Who's more likely to have dirt

on Woodcock than his ex-wife?

But in your book don't you say...

digging up the past

muddies up the present?

Yes, I do...

but that's only true if the past...

doesn't actually affect the present.

Think about it, Nedderman.

If I can learn something

about Woodcock's past...

that'll save my mom from future

heartache in the future...

then I don't really have a choice...

but to address it

in the present, right?

L--Guess not.

Exactly.

Who is that?

That's my brother, Clark.

There it is.

Home of the former Mrs. Woodcock.

All right. I'm going in.

Nedderman, I need you

to find more dirt on Woodcock, all right?

Think outside the box.

See the challenge, focus on it...

visualize, attack it

and then reuse it, OK?

- You got me?

- L--I won't let you down, John. I promise.

- Thanks for the underwear.

- Sorry if they're big.

Hey, see if she has a pool!

Or a koi pond!

A fish tank?

Nedderman.

Sally Jensen?

Who are you?

Um, I'm John Farley.

Can I get you something to drink?

I think I have a clean glass

around here somewhere.

No, I'm good, thanks.

I love your book.

Turned my life around.

Must be my lucky day.

Hometown hero in the flesh

right here in my own living room.

What do you want?

I'm doing research...

for my next book.

If you don't mind my asking,

why did you divorce?

Why do you think?

Infidelity.

Over and over again.

Should have broke it off

years earlier, but--

But what?

- The sex was amazing.

- Oh.

I'm telling you,

that man knows how to use...

what the good Lord gave him.

Oh, right. Thanks for that.

Once, I actually blacked out.

Can you imagine blacking out

from sheer pleasure?

Once I spoke Portuguese

and I don't even know the language.

- OK, I think that's enough.

- Ha ha ha.

Um, this has been very helpful...

and disturbing all at the same time.

Why? Do you know Jasper?

Actually I do. Uh, he was

a teacher of mine, years ago.

And, uh, he's marrying my mom.

Saw him last week

at the coffee shop with her.

A big-titted, blonde tramp.

Sorry. No offense.

She looks awfully young

to be your mom.

- He's cheating on her.

- What?

Yup. He cheated on his ex-wife.

That's why they got divorced.

Now he's doing the same thing

to my mom...

with some big-titted, blonde tramp.

So that's great. So--So we just

gotta tell your mom now.

No, I can't just tell her.

She doesn't listen to me

when it comes to Woodcock.

- We need proof.

- No problem.

We've been working on

some killer stuff on our end.

Good. Meet me at my place

as soon as possible.

You wanted evidence, you got it.

It may not prove Woodcock's cheating...

but it does prove he's a huge dick.

What happened to his eye?

Look, don't worry about him.

He's fine.

When she sees this, man,

she'll come to her senses.

No, Mr. Woodcock.

Please don't hurt me again.

Aah!

Ha ha ha. Well?

You threw a chair at your brother?

Weren't you watching?

It wasn't me that threw

the chair at him...

it was Woodcock

that threw the chair.

He said Woodcock.

Woodcock threw that chair!

Honey? Hi, are you home?

Oh, look, that's so nice.

You've got some friends over.

Hi, I'm John's mom.

Nedderman.

Nedderman.

You remember him?

We were in the same class.

What happened to your head?

Woodcock doesn't deserve her.

Farley's mom is hot.

I mean, yes, she's old and sh*t...

but God, I just want

to stick my face...

between those great old titties

and go, "Brrrrrrr!

"Brrrrr!

Brrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrrr!"

Nedderman, turn it off.

...titties and go, "Brrrrrrr!"

Big old--big old titties--

Big old titties--

- Jasper.

- Brrrrrrrrr!

Jasper!

I meant that in the most

respectful way possible.

Run!

Mrs. Farley!

You people are sick, Farley.

- I barely know those guys, Mom.

- OK--

Well--Let's just pretend

that never happened.

Johnny, are you all right?

Jasper said that he thought

you seemed upset today.

Oh! He did? Oh.

Sweetie, look, I know

that it's not easy for you...

to have a new man in our house.

But we're getting married...

and he's gonna be part of our family.

All I want is for

just you two to get along.

Is that asking too much?

Could you try?

For me?

OK.

- I love you, Mom.

- Oh, sweetie. I love you too.

- Thank you. Oh!

- Sorry.

Let's go to Cornival.

Let's have a good time tonight.

Great. We'll have a great night.

All of us.

# My loves have some stories... #

- Come on, tell me.

- No, forget it.

No, I want to know!

- Look, I'm embarrassed, OK?

- Oh!

John, you can't just start

saying something and then stop.

- Come on.

- Never mind, never mind.

John.

Oh, all right. Um...

I've had the biggest crush

on you since the 7th grade.

Ha ha ha. And here we are!

Yeah, here we are.

The cornival.

- I'm glad you called.

- Yeah, me too.

- Jasper! Let me do it.

- Lift it up. Keep it up high.

Oh! Now you're cheating!

Aw. You have to admit,

they're kind of cute together.

You're kidding?

No, your mom is beautiful.

And Woodcock's kinda sexy,

you know.

- Mr. Woodcock?

- Yeah.

I mean, just, I don't know,

the way he--he carries himself.

- What?

- There's just something about him.

It's like this bravado

and... I don't know.

All the girls at school love him.

I mean, he's hilarious.

One time he grabbed me by my--

He coxes them

in the teachers' lounge.

He has this little game

that we play with his whistle.

Actually, I've always kinda

had a crush on Woodcock.

Wow! You--you wanna go?

Yeah, sure.

That's cool, right?

You're not--you're not gonna eat that.

Hey, guys. How are you doing?

Oh, good. I'm done.

Um, why don't you two

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