Mr. Woodcock Page #6

play a little bit, huh?

- I thought you wanted to win a panda.

- Oh, it's all right.

- I'll win you a panda, Mom.

- Oh!

- Sure you brought enough cash?

- Jasper.

OK, so let's go get some cotton

candy and let the boys play.

- Yeah.

- Good luck.

Win me a puppy.

- OK, Woodcock.

- Looks like we got a challenge.

- Let's play.

- Good luck, young man.

There you go, sir. Here we go!

Ha! Harder than it looks!

Hey, nice shot!

Try again, kid.

We got a shooter, folks!

- Oh!

- Nice one, Farley.

- Damn it!

- Whoo!

That's a winner right there.

Looks like a panda to me, sir.

Nice job.

All right, kid.

Everybody's a winner. Ha ha ha!

I've seen better shooting

at the special Olympics.

- Basketball's not really my game.

- Really?

What is your game?

Whac A Mole?

Stupid game!

I just wanna warn you, Farley.

I'm a card-carrying member of the N.R.A.

You don't have a prayer.

Ready, gentlemen!

- We have a winner!

- Don't be a sore loser.

I'm telling you,

my gun was messed up.

It's never the gun, Farley,

it's always the hunter.

"Corn-eating Corntest."

Oh, it's on.

You're going down, Woodcock.

You must like

getting spanked, Farley.

- I guess it runs in the family.

- Here you go, boys.

Begin!

Oh, I shoulda known

that you'd be here.

You know, Johnny won this competition

what, 6 times in a row?

- 7. 7.

- When he was little. 7 times!

And against adults, too!

And here we go, corn-testants!

And may the best--

Oh, they're getting ready to go

so we'll just go over here.

- Remember, half cobs do not count.

- Good luck!

See you, girls.

That's funny, Farley.

I didn't know fat kids

ate their vegetables.

Save it for the corn-test, old man.

- Ready for this?

- Yes!

Are the corn-testants ready for this?

If you are ready, then get set...

There they go,

ladies and gentlemen...

Iook at them gnaw on that corn!

Do you see those teeth?

Half a cob doesn't count.

Pretty good there, Farley?

Keep it going. Look there.

Look at them go.

You want to pace yourself, Farley.

Just let go, Woodcock.

Great tension. Hey, hey, keep your hand off

your neighbor's cob!

Penalty!

All right, here we go.

Keep chewing that corn!

Coming down to the end now.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have a winner!

And that winner is, again...

- John Farley!

- Whoo!

Ha ha ha! Yes! Whoo!

You got beat, sweetheart!

Whoo! Whoo!

Whooooooo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo-whoo-whoo! Ha ha ha!

Oh, yeah, baby! Whoo!

Whooo-hoo-hoo!

I'm the big winner. I win!

I'm the big winner

'cause this is my house, b*tch!

- Whoo-hoo!

- John Michael Farley!

What has come over you?

Ugh!

It's OK, Farley.

I know how to cheer her up.

Do me a favor. Snag my bears.

Well, John, you really...

ate that corn.

Thanks.

- Hello?

- Wake up!

I got something to show you.

Nedderman? What's going on?

And at 0800 hours...

a blonde chick

rolled up in that car...

and went into Woodcock's house.

How long you been

staking out his house?

Hey... there she is!

- What?

- Oh, that son of a b*tch!

What kind of a**hole

would cheat on his wife...

before he's even married?

The same kind of a**hole that

would make a kid run laps...

until his nipples bleed.

Sh*t!

Now, then.

We gotta go in there.

Oh, bro, staking out

the guy's place is one thing...

but breaking and entering,

that's another.

Nedderman,

we need concrete proof.

John, I haven't sh*t my pants...

since the balance beam

in the 7th grade.

L--l--I'd like to keep it that way.

And what about your book,

chapter 14?

"Respect other people's boundaries."

Wait, do you have the book with you?

Yeah.

Oh, great.

Let me see this. See.

Forget the book! Just forget it!

I can't take this book anymore!

'Cause every 30 seconds you're

in my ear, like, wah, wah, wah!

I can't do it, OK?

I wrote it, I know what's in it!

It's crap! I'm done with it, OK?

What?

Hey... it's Tracy.

Hey, Tracy.

- How are you?

- Fine. Um...

listen, John, about last night.

You seem like you're in

a really weird place right now.

Really? No, I feel great.

I really do.

Well, maybe you should

just call me...

when things are

a little more... stable?

I think that'd be best.

Oh.

OK, um...

I respect your feelings

and your decision. L--

I'm sorry you feel that way.

All right. Well,

take care of yourself, OK?

Yep, you too.

Bye.

Bye.

OK, this is the plan.

We're gonna break into

Woodcock's place.

We're gonna plant

your video camera...

then we're gonna catch him

cheating on my mom...

and then we're gonna finish

this effing fiasco...

once and for all, OK?

Right, Clark, give me

the minicam. You're on lookout.

Anything happens, honk the horn,

you understand me?

Nedderman! It's open.

What the--

- What are you doing?

- Sor--

I'm sorry. Sorry.

- Jesus.

- OK.

Hello, smoking gun.

Damn it, Clark!

Oh, sh*t!

Nedderman?

Nedderman!

Jasper, I'm still upset with you.

I know, honey,

but you know how I get...

- when I don't have you to myself.

- Aah.

- I just need some... alone time.

- What about me?

Well, honey, it wouldn't be

alone time without you.

- You know what I mean!

- Ha ha ha!

Jasper, you charmer. Oh!

Mmmmmm!

Oh, honey. Oh, darling.

Bad boy!

- Feel good, baby?

- Yes! Yes!

Rhetorical question, Beverly!

- Oh, God! Oh, God!

- Oh, yeah!

- Feel the love!

- I don't want to black out again.

The finish line's in sight, honey.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yes!

That was way better than

anything on the internet.

Excuse me,

may I have your attention?

Uh, if everyone

would, uh... would grab a seat...

and I get the honorees up on stage...

we can get started.

For the past 26 years,

Jasper Woodcock's name...

has been synonymous with

the words "physical education".

Now, before we get

to the presentation...

let's hear from some of the people...

whose lives have been touched

by this great man.

Honey, where were you?

I thought you were gonna ride

with us. I was worried.

Sorry, Mom.

L--I needed some alone time.

Oh.

My name is Zoe. And last summer,

my cat Raisins ran away.

That man found her. Her collar

was caught on a fence.

She was dead from stran--gulation.

But she's in heaven now.

Thank you for finding Raisins,

Mr. Woodcock.

You're kidding me.

When I was in his class...

Mr. Woodcock found a brick

of marijuana in my locker.

He could have sent me

to the principal, but no.

He called the cops.

And instead of going to

detention I did 6 years in juvi.

Where I found my lord

and savior, Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ!

And I have been

mostly drug-free ever since.

Thank you, Mr. Woodcock.

"Mr. Woodcock is

one of the best teachers.

"He taught me how to play hard

and never give up.

"Because of him, I got

a scholarship to play football.

"In college."

Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Woodcock.

What the f***?

Woodcock never talks down to us.

He treats us just like everyone else.

I named my kid after Woodcock.

Woodcock taught me

how to be a man.

Woodcock taught me

how to be a man.

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