Mr. Woodcock Page #7

Woodcock taught me

how to be a man.

Woodcock taught me CPR.

- Woodcock saved my life.

- Bullshit!

- Woodcock--

- Woodcock--

- Woodcock--

- Woodcock--

Woodcock--

- Woodcock.

- Woodcock.

Jasper Woodcock.

Educator of the Year.

Go, Jasper!

Thanks a lot. Uh...

appreciate it.

Ha ha ha.

That's, uh--that's good stuff,

Jasper. Thank you.

Unbelievable!

We have one more award to give out.

The Corn Cob Key.

Given to those

who go off into the world...

and make Forest Meadow proud.

Right.

Ladies and gentlemen, John Farley!

Ha ha ha.

Are you guys out of your minds?

Ha ha ha.

Seriously. Am I the only one...

that thinks that Woodcock's like...

the biggest a**hole on the planet?

I mean, for 26 years...

this guy's been pelting children

with basketballs...

at point-blank range.

And now you're giving him

an award for it?

- He should be in jail!

- Johnny. Johnny.

I mean, is there any question

that he strangled this girl's cat?

What--what was her name,

Raisins? Yeah, you know what?

Go home, dig up Raisins,

perform an autopsy on him...

you'll find out

it wasn't an accident.

Dogs don't strangle cats.

Sadistic gym teachers do.

OK.

Somebody put something

in the punch again this year!

Wait, wait. No, no, I'm serious!

Look, he hates children.

He killed one of my classmates.

Yeah, after years of his abuse...

Trevor Oates took his own life...

and he died because of Woodcock.

No, I didn't.

- Oates, I thought you were dead.

- No.

I had minor surgery a few years back.

You know, to help with my wheezing.

Whatever. Oates is alive.

Whoop-di-doo! Who gives a sh*t?

- Johnny.

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I know you hate to hear that.

He's not what you think.

You're brainwashed, people!

Oh, just ask his ex-wife

right there, Sally Jensen.

Tell them about all the man whoring...

he did behind your back

when you were married.

Well, I think most of you know

I cheated on him.

I'm--I'm sorry. What?

You cheated on him?

A lot. I couldn't help it.

I was a sex addict.

Am.

Uh, was.

Am. Ha ha ha.

Yeah.

All right, let's go.

That's enough.

That's enough of that!

- He's cheating on my mom!

- Johnny, sit down right now.

- That's enough, Farley.

- I'm sorry, Mom.

You've been sneaking

behind my mom's back...

with that blonde whore...

right there, haven't you?

That's my realtor, you moron.

I was trying to surprise

your mother with a new house.

Well, how come I found

her panties in your bedroom?

Those are your mother's, Farley.

Mom?

Yeah. OK, Farley, you and me,

out in the hallway right now.

Now!

- Uhh!

- You disrespectful little sh*t!

I'm gonna give you a good old-fashioned

Nebraska ass-whipping...

till you sh*t yourself.

Bring it, bro!

I don't know what I'm gonna

enjoy more tonight...

kicking your ass

or nailing your mother.

- Oh!

- Let go of my son, Jasper.

- Uh, Bev--

- Let go of my son.

- Bev, l--

- You two are unbelievable.

You won't be civil even though

it hurts and humiliates me.

Mom!

Mom, are you OK?

Go away, John. Leave me alone.

Maggie?

I have been carting around

your damn luggage since Denver!

Thanks to you blowing off the most

powerful woman in America...

Walden Books has canceled

the rest of your appearances.

- I don't believe this.

- I know.

If only someone had warned you!

- So it's over.

- No, not exactly.

When you hear about this,

you're gonna want to take me...

right here in your mommy's house.

But first I have to pee.

Where's the bathroom?

You have indoor plumbing

in here, right?

It's not like you deserve

the extra effort...

but since my reputation's

on the line, I called in a favor.

You're gonna do a remote interview...

on The Tyra Banks Show!

Tomorrow, 9am,

the diva of daytime talk...

is gonna talk to you live...

right from this dingy little

shithole you call home.

Fine, good, whatever you need.

What I need is for you to focus...

get it together, and point me

to the nearest liquor store.

OK?

OK, Tyra Banks, very nice.

But if you do not know your sh*t

she will gut you like a fish.

Oh, my Lord.

You look very beautiful, Mrs. Farley.

Thank you.

She does know what decade it is, right?

Mom, what are you doing?

- I'm going to Cornival.

- Ha ha ha.

I'm sorry, you hicks

just crack me up.

Are you sure? I mean--

After last night, you know--

I have certain obligations.

I'm still the Corn Cob Queen.

- Ha ha ha.

- But you'll be by yourself.

John, I have been alone

on that float for 20 years.

I think I can handle it.

Mom, I'm so sorry about last night.

I... just totally lost my head.

Do you remember Mr. Spanger?

He was the first man

that I tried to date...

after your father died.

I think you were 6.

And you ran away

from the baby-sitter...

and we spent the entire night

trying to find you.

Yeah, I was under the sink.

Well, every time a man asked me

out, you either got sick...

or you threw a tantrum...

or you egged the car, or you did

something until I just gave up.

Did you ever think of how I felt...

on my own all these years?

Uh, I guess...

I thought you... had me.

Oh.

All right, Mr. Farley. 20 seconds.

Hey, game face.

Let's put the hillbilly drama on hold.

America is waiting.

You look great.

- This is gonna be fun.

- 15 seconds.

- I can't do this.

- OK, I understand.

- That's fine.

- Really?

Of course not!

Now sit your ass down

and get in front of the camera.

Quiet on set.

- All right, people, we're on the air in 3, 2--

- Smile.

When I read

my next guest's book...

I knew I had to have him

on The Tyra Show.

He's the best-selling author of

Letting Go...

How To Get Past Your Past.

Please welcome, via satellite

from Forest Meadow, Nebraska...

John Farley!

Hey, John, how you doing?

I feel great.

Well, good. You should.

I mean, your book is inspiring...

so many people across this country.

Who's been your biggest inspiration?

- Uh, my mom.

- Aah.

See, my mom is

my biggest inspiration too.

I mean, I would not be where

I am today were it not--

Johnny, do you ever think of...

what it was like for me

to be on my own all those years?

I mean, come on, you guys, give

it up for mommas everywhere!

Whoo!

I'm--I'm sorry. I gotta go.

- John?

- You go back in there!

- No, I won't!

- Go in there and sell that goddamn book!

No, I won't! My mom needs me!

I don't give a sh*t!

You're gonna go in there

and say something...

or I'm gonna shove

my arm up your ass...

and work you like a puppet!

Let go of me!

Fine! Run, you p*ssy!

- Go back to your mommy!

- What a b*tch!

See if I care!

Quiet, please!

I don't know what to do!

I don't know what to do!

Ha ha ha. OK, John, take care.

He's helping people.

- You back for more?

- Look.

I screwed up, OK?

Big time.

I shouldn't have meddled. L--

I'm... sorry.

Are you wearing make-up?

The truth is...

I did it because

I wanted my mom to be happy.

And as it turns out, the thing

that makes my mom happy...

unbelievably...

is you.

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