Mr. Woodcock Page #8

It's too late.

She's made her mind up, Farley.

What? My mom's the best thing

that's ever happened to you.

One day you'll date girls

and you'll understand.

Once a woman makes her mind up...

there's no changing it.

Oh, I get it. You're scared.

Your last marriage fell apart

because she was cheating on you.

Again and again and again.

The woman's a deviant, Farley.

Who cares?

So you're scared

of getting hurt again?

Hey, spare me

the self-help crap, OK?

You're not a guru.

You're a spoiled little kid...

who can't seem to let go

of his momma's right tit.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you're just

a p*ssy with a whistle!

Really?

You cocky little sh*t.

Do you actually think

you're tougher than me?

Oh. Any time, any place.

Get the rentals, Farley.

Seems like old times, doesn't it?

Yeah, well, a new day has come.

Ooh!

That was called a takedown, Farley.

OK. So that's

how it's gonna be, huh?

Ah!

Yep, now I'm gonna bring it,

Woodcock.

You never shut up, do you?

Why don't you make me?

Time to earn your wings, Farley.

It's called a suplex, Farley.

It's one of my favorites.

Here's another one of my favorites.

The Vietcong shuffle.

The reverse Vietcong shuffle!

Here comes the thunder, Woodcock!

Ooh!

Heads up, Farley.

- Say uncle!

- P*ssy!

- Say it!

- P*ssy!

Ow!

Russian headlock!

The gym teacher body slam!

Are you OK?

Rhetorical question, Woodcock!

You remember me now, don't you?

- B*tch!

- Uh! Uh!

Mr. Woodcock?

Oh, sh*t.

Got a white male, 50s,

possible concussion.

What are those? Bite marks?

Uh...

Come on, Scooter.

Get that mask off of me.

Oh, thank God.

I thought I'd killed you.

You couldn't kill me with a shotgun

and a head start, Farley.

Said by the man flat on his back

in an ambulance.

Yeah, well, it's about time

you showed some backbone.

Is that a compliment?

Farley, I'm just saying...

that you showed some sack

out there today, OK?

Wow.

Maybe there is a human being

hiding in there somewhere.

I mean, seriously,

why can't you be nice to people?

Lt--it's not healthy being

such a dick all the time.

You're gonna end up like your dad...

just angry and bitter and alone.

If that's what you want, then

fine, but I don't think it is.

Now, right now, my mom is

on that float all by herself...

really wishing that you

were up there with her.

The problem is...

I don't think you got

the backbone to win her back.

Oh, really?

Watch out!

Come on, Farley!

Step up the pace!

I could if you weren't

such a fat ass!

Watch out! Excuse me!

- Keppen! You're off tempo!

- Aah!

- Watch out!

- You're flat, Mount-Gardner.

- Excuse us! Hey!

- Oh!

Excuse us!

Come on, Farley!

- Mom! Mom!

- Beverly! Beverly!

Oh, my God, what happened?

Jasper, why are you

on that gurney?

I don't know, honey,

but I'm here to say that...

I'm basically sorry.

Basically sorry?

Mom, for an emotional cripple

like Woodcock...

that's a huge step.

Listen, I'm the one

who should be apologizing, OK?

This is all my fault.

Just give it another shot.

'Cause my lungs

are about to explode.

Please, honey.

- Oh!

- Oh, my God!

Stop! Stop!

Mr. Woodcock!

You OK?

Nice work, Farley.

There's one pothole in this town

and you managed to find it.

Jasper! Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Jasper.

Jasper.

Are you OK?

I'm sorry, Mom.

I thought I was doing

the right thing.

By killing him?

I called 911, didn't I?

Ha ha ha. Yes.

For what it's worth,

I want you to be with Jasper.

- I don't believe you.

- I do. L--

If it means anything at all...

you have my blessing.

You can see Mr. Woodcock now.

Listen, uh...

I just want to say I'm--I'm sorry...

About the "nailing your mother"

comment there.

That's it?

What do you mean?

I thought you would apologize for--

Mom, Mom.

I know this is gonna be hard for

you to believe, coming from me.

But Jasper is a good person.

You see, somewhere around the

time Jasper was choking me--

- Yeah, with your own foot.

- Right.

I had a revelation.

You don't get past your past.

You embrace it.

And I'm not that fat little loser anymore...

and that's because he pushed me.

And, in a really weird way...

he's a big part of who I am today.

For Christ's sakes, it was just

a P.E. Class, you fruitcake.

- Jasper!

- Well, it was.

See?

Set of ten, Farley.

- What?

- Just joking.

# I see a bad moon rising #

# I see trouble on the way #

# I see earthquakes and lightning #

Merry Christmas, Woodcock.

Merry Christmas, Farley.

I read your book.

Really? What did you think?

Well, that part about, uh,

treating others...

how you want to be treated,

I guess that's all right.

Yeah, I sort of stole that

from the Bible, but...

I'll take credit for it.

The rest of it's pretty much crap.

What the hell, man?

That's my book!

It's my book, Farley.

You gave it to me.

I can do with it as I please.

# I hear the voice

of rage and ruin #

# Don't go around tonight #

# Well, it's bound to

take your life #

Oh, hey. Look, your new book.

- Congrats, John.

- Let me see.

- Congratulations.

- Oh, my gosh. Look at that.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, it's

really, really good, John.

Wow, you read it?

Don't make me lie on Christmas.

Well, as long as we're

congratulating people...

Beverly and I have

a little announcement.

Recently, uh, one of my swimmers

took hold...

Mm!

And, uh, your mother's got

a little Woodcock in her.

What?

You're gonna be

a big brother, Farley.

Just joking.

# It could be ten

but then again #

# I can't remember half an hour

since a quarter to four #

# Throw on your clothes,

the second side of Surfer Rosa #

# And you leave me

with my jaw on the floor #

# Hey! #

# Oh, just when you think

you're in control #

# Just when you think

you've got a hold #

# Just when you got on a roll #

# Oh, here it goes, here it

goes, here it goes again #

# Oh, here it goes again #

# I shoulda known, shoulda

known, shoulda known again #

# Oh, here it goes again #

# Oh, oh, here it goes again #

# It starts out easy, something

simple, something sleazy #

# Something inching

past the edge of reserve #

# Now through the lines

of cheap Venetian blinds #

# Your car is pulling

off of the curb #

# Hey! #

# Oh, just when you think

you're in control #

# Just when you think

you've got a hold #

# Just when you've got on a roll #

# Here it goes, here it goes,

here it goes again #

# Oh, here it goes again #

# I shoulda known, shoulda known,

shoulda known again #

# But here it goes again #

# Oh, here it goes,

oh, here it goes #

# Oh, here it goes again #

# Oh! Oh, here it goes again #

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