Mr 3000 Page #2

What happened to Paul Molitor, man?

Robin Yount? Cecil Cooper?

- What happened to them?

- They declined.

We're lucky we got him.

You know, a lot of people said

that Stan only looked out for himself,

that he wasn't a team player.

But I'm here to tell you

that if you get 3,000 hits,

you don't have to be a team player.

What?

If you have a lifetime.314 average,

you don't have to be a good guy.

If you lead the league

in batting for three years,

you can be the biggest jerk in the world.

He laughin', man. He laughin'.

So, on behalf of all of us

who played alongside of you,

congratulations.

Go on, go on, man.

You can't help me now.

Also here with us today,

you remember him well,

number eight, Anthony Carter.

All right, now, come on.

Tell them like it is, Boca.

Come on, baby. Now we're talkin'.

Me and Stan were team-mates.

Man, could he hit the ball.

Tell 'em, baby.

- And I loved him for that.

- I love you more.

That's it?

I'm trying to get enshrined, Boca.

That's it?

Man, y'all killin' me, man.

All right, Milwaukee, let's hear it

for our Brewers' own Stan Ross.

Thank you, David.

Thank you so much. First of all,

I want to thank you, Mr Schembri,

and the entire

Milwaukee Brewers organisation.

And to my main man,

my best friend, Boca Carter.

And to you, Old Donkey.

- Big Horse.

- Whatever.

But most of all,

I want to thank you all - the fans.

You were always there for me.

And I know for a fact, if it was up to you,

I'd have been in the Hall of Fame

a long time ago.

But unfortunately,

it's up to a bunch of sportswriters.

Some metalhead half-asses.

How the hell do you bat 3,000 and not

be selected into the Hall of Fame?

What type of bullshit is that?

Let me tell you something. You all

believed in me when I was at my best.

You all believed in me

when I was at my worst.

You, the fans.

That's why I know for a fact

I can depend on you all to bring me,

Stan Ross, to Cooperstown.

- I can hear you say "Stan."

- Stan.

- Say "Stan Ross."

- Stan Ross.

"Stan Ross."

Stan Ross.

- "He's the Boss."

- He's the Boss.

- Say "Hall of Fame."

- Hall of Fame.

- "It's a damn shame."

- It's a damn shame.

Over here, say, "Hell, yeah."

Hell, yeah.

- Say, "Hell, yeah."

- Hell, yeah.

- Say, "You're the man."

- You're the man.

- Let me hear it again.

- You're the man.

- They love me.

- You're the man.

You're the man. You're the man.

- You got a minute?

- Hang on. What?

You know how when we think

somebody's gonna be voted in,

we run the numbers? Every one of

the wins, every home run, every hit?

- Yeah.

- We were running that for Stan Ross.

A list of every one of his 3,000 hits.

- There's an error.

- One of the hits was an error?

No, all the hits were hits.

There just aren't 3,000 of them.

OK. Start over.

OK, there was a game in May 1982

that was called for curfew.

When they finished in August,

the hits were recorded twice -

once in May, once in August.

Stan Ross had three hits in that game.

That means that

three of the hits don't count.

- So you're telling me...

- Stan Ross, Mr 3000,

- has only 2,997 hits.

- 2,997 hits.

As Giaco tried to escape

across the rope bridge,

he realised that he was trapped

by both sides,

by the dreaded, evil boars.

Giaco knew his only hope

was to do the unthinkable,

and that was to jump far, far below,

into the raging, raging river.

Hold on, kids.

Hello?

Hey, man, the press is eating it up.

What happened to Giaco?

- What happened to Giaco?

- What?

- What happened to Giaco?

- What happened, man?

Shut up.

I can't believe he said that.

2,997? Man, that's bullshit.

Mr Ross. Please, the children.

To hell with the doggone kids.

Giaco's dead.

The Hall of Fame vote is in,

and Stan Ross is not.

The always-controversial ex-Brewer

had slowly crept to

within four votes of enshrinement,

but this time finished 147 votes shy,

following a correction

in the record books that left him

three hits short of the magical 3,000.

Looks like Stan's gonna have to wait...

- Turn it off.

...till next year to wait till next life.

From the green...

I can't let 'em do it to me.

I can't let 'em take away my legacy.

You love me because I'm one

of the greatest hitters alive.

You love me because I'm one

of the greatest hitters alive.

You love me because I'm one

of the greatest hitters alive.

I'm back.

The King with the Swing,

the right arm they call "The Gun",

Stan Ross. Nitroglycerin himself.

Number 21, the man with the sweetest

swing in the major league, is back.

You gotta be jokin'.

- How old are you? 50?

- 47 and gettin' younger.

That's why I love you, man.

Man, what the hell...?

What's your damn problem, man?

That was four-tenths of a second.

That's how much time you have

after the ball leaves the pitcher's hand

to decide whether it's a fastball,

a split-finger...

Wait, wait.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

What you know about the game?

You ever played in the majors?

Figures. He's wrong.

No, I've just been

a Brewers fan my whole life,

while you treated the team

and the fans and the city like dirt.

Yo, Boca, get this man another bottle.

- Well, thank you. I appreciate that.

- You're welcome.

- No, I want you to try it again.

- What?

See, cos last time

I wasn't standing at the plate.

Come on, try it again. Yeah.

Boca. See that?

Three more of these, three more hits.

As I said before, Stan Ross is back.

Better talk to him, Boca.

Ladies and gentlemen, number 21,

the great, the fantastic,

Mr Incredible:
Stan.

I thought when we retired his number we

wouldn't have to see that prick any more.

He's a senior citizen.

Do you think I want him here?

And he hasn't played the game

in nine years.

It's not like we're in the American League

any more, so he's gotta play the field.

Can he even handle first base

at his age, let alone hit?

Fellas.

We are in fifth place,

and we are not drawing flies.

And we've got two

very long months ahead of us.

The biggest crowd we've had all year

was the day we retired Stan's number.

Now, we give him a physical,

give him a month to get in shape.

Then after that September

roster expansion, if he's up to it...

we put him in the line-up.

- Bo, all I need is a bat.

- That's it, baby.

Look at him. He ain't got no waist

on him. He got nothin'.

- Stan Ross.

- Hey.

Eddie Richling.

I'm the conditioning coach.

He here to carry you home?

The only thing Boca gonna carry

is my plaque to the Hall of Fame.

- That's why I love you, man.

- I love you more, baby.

- Is that right?

- That's right.

- How many push-ups can you do?

- One arm or two?

Well, I'll tell you what, man. Last time

I counted, what was it, about 40, 50?

I got five bucks in my pocket

says you can't give me ten.

That's easy money. Back up, man.

- Boca, you better help your boy down.

- He didn't help me in.

Come on, let's see what you got.

OK, well, that's one.

- How many is that?

- I don't know. I'd say 40, 50.

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