Mr 3000 Page #3

That's four.

Come on, Stan.

You got this, man.

Your knee touched, man.

That's a girl push-up. That don't count.

- You see my knee touch, Boca?

- Well, it might have, yeah.

But who said girl push-ups don't count?

Yeah, who said

girl push-ups don't count?

How you want to pay me,

cash or check?

Look at them arms starting to shake.

Come on. Come on.

OK, Stan, now you ready

to get started for real?

Man, what type of sh*t is this?

Hydrostatic weighing.

It's how we're gonna determine

how much body fat you really have.

I don't need my balls washed

to tell you how much I weigh.

Hold your breath, Stan.

This ain't nothin'

but a Southern baptism.

It's called modern technology, Stan.

Recently, the Brewers have

incorporated new methods of training

into their exercise regimen.

We're gonna get you started

on this bad boy.

Look at this.

- This looks like some punishment.

- Actually, it's very gentle.

- It's called Pilates.

- Pi-what?

Breathe in.

OK, feel the extensors now?

I feel like Flipper.

B, that's what I'm talkin' about.

I'm gonna start off real light, about 463.

You can throw on 463

if you want to, chicken chest,

but your equipment is right over there.

Remember what I told you.

Keep that ass up, all right?

Push. Whoa, where you going?

Get back here.

Is this a joke?

It's only a joke

if you think weak abs are funny.

- Feel it in your lats?

- Yeah, I feel it.

In my spine and my butt, too.

Push it. Push it.

Push it. Come on.

Whoa, where you going?

Get back here, get back here. Come on.

Go. Go.

Whoo. Yeah.

OK. OK.

Stand up.

Sit down.

Come on, now up.

Look at this boy go.

Look at your boy.

- What's your name?

- Stan Ross.

- Tell 'em your name.

- Stan Ross.

- Who are you?

- Stan Ross.

- Louder.

- They call me the Boss.

- Who?

- Cos I pay the cost.

- Why?

- Cos I'm Stan Ross.

So, tomorrow, man - you ready?

Game's changed a lot

since we last played.

I still see the ball.

I still hit the ball.

All day.

But I do miss playin'.

I know I always said I didn't, but I do.

Ain't nothin' like hittin'

in the major leagues,

bein' part of that great tradition.

I never felt that type of respect

that I felt on the ball field.

That kind of attention.

Shoot, that reminds me.

You got a call this afternoon.

Some ad-agency guy from New York.

Endorsement? Was it Reebok?

It's not Reebok.

Adidas or Nike?

Viagra.

What?

Viagra, man.

You'd be the spokesman.

I ain't gonna be no damn spokesman

for no Viagra.

I can still swing my bat, Bo.

Are we ready to roll here?

OK, the Milwaukee Brewers

are pleased to be able to help

a member of the Brewer family

reclaim his rightful place

in baseball history.

So it is with great pride

that I introduce to you

the once and future Mr 3000,

Stan Ross.

Thank you.

Thank you, Mr Schembri, and to

the Milwaukee Brewers organisation.

And I promise you, it won't be like

the last time I was in front of a microphone,

with all that cussin' and sh*t, you know?

- Stan.

- Yes?

Is this only about

getting back to 3,000 hits,

or do you truly believe you can help make

the Brewers more competitive on the field?

How could I not make them

more competitive?

Let me be a little bit polite here.

The Milwaukee Brewers are weak.

- Here we go.

- Who they got?

They're a Little League team.

You all know it. They need me.

How do you think you'll adjust

to the contemporary game?

You ever heard of Harold Melvin

& The Blue Notes? Earth, Wind & Fire?

Some things just always play well.

A little "old school"

is exactly what this team needs.

- What if you don't hit?

- What's that?

I said, "What if you don't hit?"

If all this talk is just talk and it becomes

obvious that you're hurting the team,

will you take yourself out of the line-up?

I said I'm gonna hit. And when I say

I'm gonna do something, I do it.

- That's not always how it works.

- Well, it is with me.

Not the way I remember.

Well, maybe you remember something

you thought I said I was gonna do,

but didn't say I was gonna do it,

cos I cold-blood do everything

I say I'm gonna do.

- Is that the way you were raised?

- Straight up and down, like 6.00.

So what does your mama think

about this comeback foolishness?

Why are we getting on this mama stuff?

OK, that's it for today, folks.

Thank you very much.

You really nailed him on that one.

- Maureen.

- Hey.

What you doing here?

What do you think?

I'm covering a story for ESPN.

- Why you, though?

- They sent me.

Just by chance?

You ain't here to see me?

No, I'm on assignment.

They asked me to cover a story,

so I'm covering it, period.

I'll see you at the ball park.

Mo, Mo, Mo, Mo.

Wait, wait.

How about an exclusive?

See? You and me?

So, you think you'll get three hits

in your first three at bats

and get this thing over with?

Come on, Mo, I'm 47 years old.

It'll probably take me maybe

four at bats.

You're one of a kind, Stan Ross.

Thank you for sitting down with us.

- Good luck tonight.

- Thank you.

That's it. Thanks, guys.

That's a wrap.

- That wasn't too bad, now, was it?

- That was great.

After I get my hits today, you want

to come by the house to celebrate?

You know, you better keep

your mind on the game, Mr 3000.

You thinkin', eh?

Well, we'll see in a few hours, won't we?

Stan, you da man.

Livin' legend, baby.

Yes, sir, all you got to do

is walk up in there

and take those youngsters to school.

Buddy, come here.

Help me out, please, with the zipper.

- Can you give me a hand?

- You best mean a handshake.

Wait a minute. You're Stan Ross.

Stan, Stan. Huge fan.

You gotta help me out.

You gotta unzip me.

I'm gonna tell all my buddies.

"Stan Ross unzipped my pants."

- You crazy.

- I'm crazy? Thinkin' I'm crazy?

Where is he?

Stan, Stan, Stan.

Let me tell you something, Stan.

I am crazy.

Crazy for asking you to give me a hand.

Yeah, good luck on tonight's game.

Now, this sh*t is all right.

Sound effects could be a little bit louder

when a brother hit it, though.

That sh*t should sound like a cannon.

Mr Ross.

- I'm Rick, the clubhouse assistant.

- Just Stan. I'm just Stan.

All right.

That's your locker right over there.

Thank you.

Go ahead, man.

It's in my locker.

- I'm Stan Ross.

- I know very well who you are.

I grew up watching

your excellent play on television.

You are hero to many

young Japanese players.

But you have hole in your ass.

A hole in my ass?

- What's his problem?

- That's Fukuda.

He was taught English pretty good

in school in Japan,

but they never taught him

to cuss worth a damn.

But why he cuss me out?

I ain't never did nothin' to him.

Brother, you're looking

at 25 Little Leaguers in here

who all wanna give you

an ass-whupping.

Six to three.

Six to three, man.

- Six to four.

- You're right, 6-4. I was trying to cheat.

Minadeo, Skillett.

Second and short.

They'll go at it over anything.

- What are you talking about?

- No. That's half out.

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