Mrs Henderson Presents Page #2

variety performers

have been forced onto the milk line.

- Bread line.

- Bread line. Bread line.

Revudeville is an attempt to create...

- Employment.

... employment.

Employment...

for these delightful creatures.

Our productions will be guided

and overseen by our resident genius,

Our brilliant general manager,

who comes to us from Central Europe,

Mr Vivian Van Damm.

We won't be able to work together,

you know that.

You're a perfect match.

So, you found yourself a continental.

Nonsense. He's as English as you or I.

But he's terribly alive, don't you think?

It's just something one can sense.

- Laura, you have an infatuation.

- Oh, don't be ridiculous.

It's the show business I'm attracted to.

Tomorrow we have auditions!

Isn't that exciting?

People come in and entertain us

and we say either

"stick around" or "buzz off. "

- Thank you, that'll do.

Poor thing.

- Next!

- My dear, would you wait over there?

Mr Van Damm, I spent many years

in the Far East with my husband

witnessing what one might call

pagan rituals,

but I've never seen anything

as barbaric as this.

Welcome to the theatre.

Next!

Very nice, dear.

Buy yourself a decent meal.

Who's the young man at the back?

Ssh! Concentrate on the auditions.

We'll have him.

We will?

We will.

Next!

Why do you keep looking at that boy?

That boy, as you call him,

was the featured performer at the Pavilion.

We snatched him away.

He can be a big help to me.

He's got excellent taste.

He seems to agree

with all of my choices.

Including these

demented pharaohs?

- Book them.

- Right, VD.

Are you mad?

They're not in the least authentic.

And over, over,

step, shuffle, change. Riff, pick up, toe.

Pick up and five, six, seven, eight.

Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up again.

Maxie Ford and heads up.

Thank you,

ladies. Change over. Quickly, girls!

See what they're like

from the back of the stalls.

Pay attention to their height.

And over. Step, shuffle and change.

Riff, pick up, toe.

Tap, tap, change, pick up, step,

and round, two, three, four.

Pick up, step, pick up, step,

pick up and change.

Maxie Ford and heads up.

Do you find these women attractive?

- Some of them are very pretty.

- Oh, yes, I can certainly see that.

But... do they intrigue you as a man?

- I have other inclinations.

- Oh.

Oh! Oh, how delicious!

And use your backs.

Yes, girls. Next group.

And use your back, girls.

Yes! Last group.

But Mr Van Damm seems to have

an intense appreciation, doesn't he?

Other girls, ready. And!

He's practically sniffing them.

And last group.

- Some of these girls are very good.

- Indeed.

I'm going to call our chorus

The Millerettes.

- Millerettes?

- Mill, as in Windmill.

- What's the "er" for?

- What?

Millerettes. It should be Millettes.

The "er" clogs it up.

- Millettes doesn't scan.

- But it's accurate.

It doesn't sound right.

Millerettes sounds like a man

named Miller has a chorus line.

We're doing a vaudeville,

not a dictionary.

It isn't correct English!

Millerettes is a good name.

And it's not your decision.

In fact, it's got nothing to do with you.

In fact, you shouldn't be in the theatre

until dress rehearsal.

- In fact, I'm going to ban you!

- Don't you dare!

- I'm banning you from all auditions.

- You haven't the right.

- I can do anything I please.

- I shall cancel the opening.

Fine!

- This show will not goon!

- Indeed.

They're ready to start again, VD.

My dear, you must never interrupt

a perfectly good argument.

- I've lost my train of thought.

- So have I.

Come on.

Mustn't keep The Millerettes waiting.

Oh, that name's intolerable.

It suggests midgets

working in a factory.

Millettes sounds like

a medical condition.

Thank you, Mr Van Damm.

Thank you, Mrs Henderson.

Stop thanking each other.

Let's find some champagne.

Oh, what a wonderful hobby, my dear.

I wonder if there are

any more theatres for sale.

I don't understand.

We were such a success.

And then everyone copied us.

- You're telling me we're a disaster?

- Here's the accounts.

You're losing a fortune.

You mean you can be a triumph

one week and a disaster the next?

I'm not certain it's worth going on.

Oh, you people make me weary!

You've no courage.

What I say is, stick a thing out

and it will come right.

I'm trying to save your finances.

I don't need your protection,

thank you very much.

We've put on good shows, but they're

obviously not daring enough.

Why don't we get rid of the clothes?

Pardon?

Let's have naked girls.

Don't you think?

Now, this has been on my mind

for some time.

I never dared mention it.

I too lack courage, it seems.

Now, what I propose is that we have

nude women in Revudeville.

As they do in Paris.

At our namesake, the Moulin Rouge,

for instance.

Oh, Baby, we'll find you some milk.

Paris, after all, is just filled with

naked women wearing bananas,

and dare I say, making everyone else

go bananas in return.

- Do keep up, Mr Van Damm.

- Yes.

It would be innovative

and draw the crowds.

I would make back all of my money.

You, I imagine, would enjoy yourself,

being surrounded by countless breasts,

and we'd all be happy.

What you're suggesting

isn't possible.

That kind of thing

isn't done here.

Nudity? In England?

You tend towards safety sometimes,

Mr Van Damm.

You're rather bourgeois.

I do mean that in a kind way.

But I suspect it's not advisable

in the show business.

What you're forgetting is we need

a licence from the Lord Chamberlain

for whatever we put on the stage.

He'll never approve it.

- The Lord Chamberlain?

- Yes, The Lord Chamberlain.

What, Tommy? Little Tommy Baring?

Oh, don't be silly!

I have, of course,

taken that into account.

He's a very sweet man.

He and his rather dreary wife

are on holiday in France,

but as soon as he returns,

I'll throw a fly at him.

Pardon?

That's a fisherman's term, dear.

It has to do with hooking a trout.

You do lead a narrow life.

Meanwhile, do begin work

on our marvellous new idea.

Without permission?

Oh! We've found your milk!

Mrs Henderson's request is,

of course, entirely out of order.

Of course. I'm well aware of that.

- Oh, Tommy!

- Laura, how wonderful to see you.

- You don't look a day older.

- What a touching little lie.

I do know a bit about why you're here,

you know.

- Oh?

- Hm.

I find that lines have to be drawn

somewhere, my dear Laura,

and nudity

is on the wrong side of the divide.

I have problems enough

with the length of skirts.

I've had to have inches added to them

for the new Offenbach production.

Well, we won't have that problem

as we won't have skirts.

Sir? If I may?

We have very strict rules

in these areas, Mrs Henderson.

Oh, this office is so stuffy.

Why don't we take a bit of a walk?

- Sir?

- A walk. Yes. Lovely.

Why didn't you return to India?

I was only ever Robert's wife in India.

It seemed a bit absurd

without a Robert.

Now I find it most amusing to run

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