Mrs Henderson Presents Page #3

a variety show, and I'll tell you why.

Robert took me to music hall

quite often - he was fond of them -

On condition that I stayed behind the

curtain in a box and was never visible.

In those days, it was considered

terribly improper

for a married woman

to be seen at a music hall.

But times have moved on.

And we must move with them,

mustn't we?

Oh, look! A tent!

It's unusual to see a tent in the park.

Quite so.

I had it constructed this morning.

Did you obtain a licence?

Oh, come inside, you old fogey.

I've prepared lunch.

But the be-all and end-all, finally,

is that they are naked.

Like paintings. In a museum.

These sandwiches

are particularly good.

It's an excellent season for salmon.

We haven't exactly reached

salmon season yet.

Tommy, you're so literal.

You're thinking bosoms,

but I'm thinking breasts.

- What is the difference?

- The difference is in your soul.

- Cheese?

- Thank you.

Of course, paintings in a museum

are still, are they not?

Still?

The figures do not move.

I suppose there's something in that.

Mm, this cheese is very good indeed.

If the girls did not move...

Tableaux?

Precisely.

Then one might make a direct corollary

with an art gallery.

I can perhaps see the possibility

of some artistic merit.

- They never move?

- Never.

Yes, that would be like a museum.

Which was, my dear, your suggestion,

so you must be very pleased.

I'm warming to the idea.

- My secretary would be appalled...

- More wine?

Ah, yes, thank you.

Now, what about...

forgive me... the foliage?

Foliage?

You know... beneath the...

- Beneath what? Try the brie.

- Thank you.

- Beneath...

- Flown in from France.

- Excellent. The foliage beneath the...

- My husband was very fond of it.

- Of what?

- This particular cheese.

My dear, I am attempting to address

the disagreeable and somewhat

sordid topic of the pudendum.

- What on earth is that?

- Good heavens, woman!

- Have some more wine.

- The female part.

Oh! The p*ssy!

Why didn't you say?

I had not expected you, of all people,

to use such language.

That word was popular

in the mid-nineteenth century.

Not everyone speaks Latin, you know.

Then I'd prefer you refer to it as...

the midlands.

Oh, dear.

You men do get into such a state

about the midlands, don't you?

Well, you needn't worry.

Our lighting will be so subtle,

the disputed area will be barely visible.

Anyway, we'll have a barber.

You are the most exasperating woman!

You always were.

I take that to mean

you'll permit us to have a go.

As long as no-one moves, yes.

Perhaps.

I reserve final judgment...

until opening night.

I'm delighted, dear ladies, that you all

wish to be a part of our endeavour.

Thank you very much.

- Saliva.

- Behave!

I've never realised

how similar breasts are to shoes.

- What do you mean?

- They come in so many sizes.

I've always found them

rather overrated, myself.

Well, you're not a man.

Alas.

All right, ladies. Off you go.

What do you make of her?

- She's beautiful.

- Yes.

But the nipples...

Too large?

They're not British.

Could be Italian.

We must have British nipples.

And how about her?

The right one's bigger than the left.

Her.

Fried eggs.

Sorry.

Thank you very much. Could you all

please wait in the wings? Thank you.

- What, basically, are you looking for?

- Personality.

Something in their smile, their eyes.

Well, I suggest you start looking

in their faces.

Yes, of course!

We're looking at the wrong kind of girl.

We shouldn't have theatricals.

- Maggie, make a note.

- My dear?

Bertie and I

are going to tour the countryside

and discover some English roses.

Oh, good!

Now you're getting the hang of it.

It's been an unsuccessful trip,

my friend.

What I'm looking for is... personality.

Youth. Beauty.

Certainly not talent.

Anyone can have talent.

And they must be well brought up.

I think many of the young women

we've been seeing

come from

rather awkward backgrounds.

Shine the light on the water!

Don't panic! The young fellow's

a dancer. Excellent coordination.

That's it. Pull her... That's it.

Come on. There we go. There you are.

- You're all right.

- Let me see.

Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry. I'm so embarrassed.

I didn't mean to cause any trouble.

No need to be embarrassed.

You've found a knight.

Two knights, in shining armour.

My God! What a beautiful smile!

Exquisite.

Have you ever considered

going on the stage?

You moved.

- She mustn't move!

- I'm sorry, Mr Van Damm.

The law insists

that you be absolutely still.

- Why don't we take a break?

- Yes, good idea.

Rest your arms, girls.

Get the circulation going.

- There's er... teacups and...

- Tea.

...tea just downstairs.

Oh! Oh, it's so sweet!

You're perched in the orchestra pit

like little birds.

It feels safe down here.

- Are you all right?

- Yes, thank you. My arm went numb.

I would sometimes see people in India

standing still for hours on end, my dear.

They were called fakirs.

It was all rather spiritual.

Oh, I see.

You must think yourself

onto a higher plane.

We'd all like to be on a higher plane

now, Mrs Henderson.

Preferably flying over the Channel.

- Oh, you're the one that was...

- Drowning.

- Come on.

- I like that girl you ran over.

Why don't you and the dog have a look

at the programme proofs in the office?

- You're trying to get rid of us.

- It's a delicate time.

All the more reason for

a motherly presence.

Maggie!

Take Mrs Henderson to the office.

- Out!

- Well, of course.

You're in charge.

Right.

Time for you to disrobe.

Do we have to do it now,

Mr Van Damm?

- Well, when else?

- I was just asking.

- Should have left you in the water.

- Come on, girls, let's do it.

I can't!

Where's she going?

- She can't face it.

What's wrong with everybody?

I'm sorry, Mr Van Damm.

There's no work outside.

I just thought, well it's a job.

All of my friends are starving.

I was... lucky to have employment.

But...

You can't imagine what it feels like,

just standing there.

Not even my boyfriend

has seen me naked.

And we've been to bed and everything.

It's like it's... medical.

Do you think... I would ever subject you

to anything improper or tawdry?

I am enabling you to earn an honest

salary in this most difficult of times.

After a hard week's work, you can take

home enough to maintain your home,

help out your parents

and even save a little bit for the future.

And all you have to do

is display certain blessings

you received from the Lord.

Why do you think God gave you

all your bits and pieces?

So that you might be

ashamed of them?

So that you might hide them away?

Isn't great art, after all,

a celebration of nature?

- That's what this is.

- Art?

Absolutely.

You are the Venus de Milo,

the Mona Lisa...

The Mona Lisa wore a dress.

Some do, some don't.

Tomorrow, we'll go to the museum

and look at some paintings.

Botticelli.

Now, he was inspired.

Inspired by God.

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