Mrs Henderson Presents Page #4

If I'm placing a weighty burden

on your shoulders,

then I know you have

the moral strength to carry it.

Why don't we try it again?

All right?

I'll see you on the stage.

Come on, girls,

let's give it a go.

I don't fancy working

in my father's chemist.

Art. Art.

Sorry.

Actually, there is a draught in here,

Mr Van Damm.

You expect that in a theatre.

You expect draughts.

- But what happens if we catch cold?

- Bertie!

Get someone to close the doors

and check all the windows, will you?

Thank you. All right?

- Yes, thank you.

Does everyone have to watch us?

- Who?

- Well, them.

You're going to have

an entire audience watching you.

Yes, but they'll be strangers.

And they won't be standing so close...

will they?

- We can hear them breathing.

- A man has to breathe.

Heavy breathing.

After all, it doesn't seem fair for them

to be dressed when we're not.

Okey-doke. I know what to do.

Come on, gentlemen. Come on.

You too.

- What?

- Fair is fair.

Let's make the ladies comfortable.

Come on.

Strip.

You too, Mr Van Damm.

Don't be ridiculous. Someone has to

maintain authority here.

- Take your clothes off, please.

- No.

Off! Off! Off!

Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off!

Off! Off! Off! Off!

All right! All right!

Bloody childish!

Mrs Henderson. Mrs Henderson!

Why, Mr Van Damm...

...you are Jewish!

- I think I saw a priest in the audience.

- Oh, stop it! You're hallucinating!

- Everyone looked so rich.

- Oh, I hope so.

When I take off my clothes,

I close my eyes and think,

"This will bring me champagne. "

I think, "One more day

and it hasn't happened yet. "

Oh, my God!

I've brought

the Lord Chamberlain.

He felt he had to say a few words

of encouragement to you.

Isn't that delicious?

Well done.

Well done. I...

May I be... permitted to say...

...that... Oh, good heavens!

Good heavens! I...

I...

What an artistic enterprise er...

you have um...

A testament, really, to the British p...

- It's a magical evening.

- Hm?

I quite understand

what you were feeling.

I myself have exhibited my breasts.

I was at a party in Antibes

with The Duchess of Denby

and Countess Volpe,

and we took off our blouses -

in private, of course -

and looked at each other's titties.

My, how we laughed!

The Lord Chamberlain

was very taken with you, my dear.

- Mrs Henderson.

- Mr Van Damm. Quite an evening.

The Lord Chamberlain

was very pleased.

I wanted you to meet Natalie.

- Natalie?

- My wife.

Vivian's spoken about you sooften,

I just feel that I know you.

Well... I certainly don't know you!

Excuse me.

You can be rude to me,

but not to my wife!

What wife?

When did you acquire a wife?

- Why haven't you told us?

- What do you mean?

You never mentioned her.

I believe a figure of authority

must maintain a sense of privacy.

Good heavens! A wife!

What exactly is the problem?

Whoon earth said

there was a problem?

Fine. Have a wife, if you insist.

Just don't let her interfere

with any of your duties.

- Why would she do that?

- That's what wives do.

That's their purpose. I know.

I was a wife.

I interfered all the time.

So sack me, then!

If you're unhappy with me,

just say it and I'll leave!

But don't you dare ever, ever

talk to my wife like that again!

Oh, don't you worry.

I'll keep my eye on you.

You do that.

I hope you realise I will never, ever,

ever set foot in this theatre again!

You two behave

like an old married couple.

Well, it seems

that would make him a bigamist.

Champagne, then?

It is rather as I thought.

Your heart has stirred.

Then I must consult a physician.

This should have been

such a pleasant night.

- I want you to flank her.

- Flank her?

- Stand either side of her.

- Oh.

Aren't I in silhouette, like in the picture?

- Silhouette.

- Silhouette, Harry!

- And the sun must rise behind you.

- Orange.

We see the rays of the sun,

like in the picture.

A new dawn over the New World.

Goody, goody.

Goody, goody.

Goody, goody.

And now...

- How...

... do you do?

Do something!

How will I explain this

to the Lord Chamberlain?

Coming through!

Excuse me, Mr Van Damm. Sorry.

I forgot my fin.

It'll have to be tighter than that.

- Good afternoon, Doris.

- Afternoon.

- How's your mother?

- She's fine, thank you.

Have you been writing

to her every week?

Yes. She told me to tell you

she's very disappointed I'm a starfish.

- She thinks I should be a mermaid.

- Ah. I'll send her a note.

- And who have we here?

- Catherine the Great.

Have you forgotten

the tableau of the wars?

Come along, Mr Van Damm.

Wakey-wakey.

You might show a bit more respect.

- I think I should have...

... left you in the water.

- Afternoon, girls. How are you?

- Better now, Mr Van Damm.

- Was something wrong?

- My bum cheeks went numb.

She was leaning arse over backwards.

In the Alaskan tableau, of course.

All that ice.

But Rupert soon got

the blood flowing!

- Who's Rupert?

- Well you might ask.

Behave yourself!

We must be cautious

about too much frivolity.

The Windmill

is a very serious business!

Yes, Mr Van Damm.

- Do I give it to the students again, sir?

- Mr Van Damm.

At your own discretion, dear boy.

It's beastly.

I can't walk into my own theatre.

I hear wonderful things

about the new performances

and I'm missing all the fun.

You did say you would never set foot

in the The Windmill again.

Quite right.

The man's a monster.

I want nothing to do with him.

You're very much like

my granddaughter

who moans about the boy

she has her eye on.

Adolescents and women in their

eighth decade are strikingly similar.

You obviously require a battle plan.

My second husband, the General,

always advocated

attacking from the rear,

which, although it did nothing

to enhance our marriage,

did bring him some success

on the field.

Just slip in there, as it were,

and establish your beachhead.

Excuse us!

This is a private dressing room.

It's only me.

I'm sorry, but I did not want to be seen

in the theatre.

Oh, I have missed your company.

I thought I'd just drop by

to see if you needed anything.

Actually, if this may be our secret -

Mr um... Whatshisname

doesn't know I'm here.

We're fine, thank you, Mrs Henderson.

My poor dear, I'm having some cheese

sent up to you.

- Cheese?

- I'm not convinced you eat enough.

Yes, it's terribly sad.

She's just skin and bones.

Shut up! I weigh exactly what I weighed

the day I started this job, no less.

Something's wrong.

She won't eat chocolate truffles.

- She's so very, very head-girl.

- So sensible!

You see, it's unanimous.

You're positively scrawny!

You may laugh, but I know men.

Men look at bosoms, my dear,

but I notice bones.

What?

Spots!

No-one will notice.

Now, you must promise to let me know

if you have any complaints

or problems.

I mean, does Mr Van Damm treat...

Oh, my dear!

I wore a similar wig to a ball in Delhi.

Didn't look nearly as becoming

as it does on you.

Thank you, Mrs Henderson.

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