Mrs In-Betweeny

---

Firstly, may I convey my sincere

condolences at this saddest of times.

To lose one parent is a tragedy,

but to lose both and in such a...

unique way... Well, words cannot convey

how you three poor, unfortunate

children must be feeling.

But, how heartening for you to know that

you have such a warm, loving family around you.

So, to the real reason why we are all here today.

About time. Senile old fart.

I'm sorry?

I said... About time, senile old fart!

Oh, quite, yes.

Err... well... let me see... ah!

In the unlikely event of both our

deaths we propose the following

Until such time as our children

are of legal age to care for themselves

we'd like as their guardian...

Who?

Sh*t!

- What's wrong with him?

- Phone 999. Get an ambulance.

- Check his pulse.

- Who's looking after us?

Take his teeth out.

- What ?

- He might choke.

- Is he dead?

- You take 'em out!

- I think he's dead.

- Well?

- Give us a hand.

- Thank you!

- Get him on his side.

- Uncle Neil ?

- Yeah.

- Who's looking after us?

- That's a mistake.

- Brendan...

It was supposed to be me.

Uncle Brendan!

transcripts.subtitle.me.uk

Arrangements/synchro:

benji1000 & Arcueil

Delayed flight 1795 from Las

Vegas has now landed.

So is Uncle Brendan our new dad?

Yeah, well, sort of.

- He's not coming.

- Maybe he's died too.

He'll be here, OK?

Don't worry, he'll be here.

- Oh, I need a wee.

- You'll have to wait, Kevin.

- It landed ages ago.

- Maybe he's on a later flight.

I walked straight past you.

Put on a bit of weight since

last I saw you, Neil.

Don't tell me you've given up.

- Err, no, cheers.

- Mags not with you?

They're divorced.

Brendan?

F***in' hell!

Come on...

Wow, they did all right for

themselves here, eh?

Bar their sudden deaths, obviously.

So, what's the story with you and Maggie?

Had you down as mates for life ?

- He shagged another woman.

- Yet another woman.

Makes a change from me screwing up.

So Uncle Brendan, does this still

mean you're our new dad?

Let's talk about that later, shall we, Kev?

- Well?

- Hum.

- Is he there yet?

- Who?

Your brother!

Oh, yeah. She's, he's...

he's just got here.

I'm not coming round. He can beg

all he likes, not without an apology.

I hope he's changed for all our sakes.

I think that's a distinct possibility.

Look, Kathleen's here.

I, err, I, I've gotta go.

- Err, can I speak to my grandchildren...

- Bye.

Oh, hey, look. Japanese

love eggs. Oh, look...

Also known as 'The Satisfier'.

Just run them under the tap and put

them in the cupboard with the others.

Where is he?

I'm going to need a car.

Car?

I'll need to go to the shops,

take them to school...

- So, you, you're stopping, then?

- I am their legal guardian.

Great! Look, hem, Holly's

written everything down.

Mean sports clubs, music lessons,

dietary requirements...

- Kevin's seeing a shrink?

- No, behavioural therapist.

School thinks you're a little different

and suddenly you're a...

...freak.

- How long have you been like this?

- Nice segue, Neil.

Started the procedure 18 months ago.

Look, 'cause they look, I mean...

- They feel almost...

- Hormone therapy.

- What, so you mean they're actually...

- All me.

Sh*t.

- What is it now, then? Brenda?

- Emma.

- Right. 'course.

- And no.

I'm not, you'll be relieved to know.

- What?

- Gay.

So you're not...?

Unless, of course,

I start fancying other women?

Right so, so you do fancy men?

I'm kind of sitting on the

fence on that one.

Look bollocks, Brendan...

I don't mean...

I'm sure you have changed, yeah?

Clearly. But these are Ben's

kids we're talking about.

And he wants 'em to live with a relative

they haven't clapped eyes on in years.

She's outside.

Girlfriend?

The other woman?

Kathleen, the wicked witch

of Wythenshawe.

A younger Maggie with bigger tits.

You can ask me one question.

- D'you like cheese?

- No! For f***'s sake, Kevin.

- Do you have a cock?

- Yes.

It's Wednesday. We usually have

pasta on a Wednesday. Tomato.

- 'cause Kevin only eats red things.

- Red things?

Tomatoes, strawberries,

but mostly tomatoes.

My therapist says it's a phase.

And I'm a vegan. You know

what a vegan is, right?

Sure. Doctor Spock.

Funny ears.

No meat. No dairy.

Anything else I should know?

Homework. Tomorrow.

Well... Coming or what?

The question you should

have asked me was

'Why the f*** weren't you at

our Mum and Dad's funeral?'

Good point, Charlie, well made.

I wanted to be there. I did.

But then it wouldn't have

been about them any more...

it would have been about these...

I had my own funeral.

What am I doing with their clothes?

Glad you asked me that, our Kev.

One, practicality, I need some

place to put my stuff.

Two, hard as it is, time we all started

confronting what's happened.

We can either take this lot down the

Sally and let some ginger-arced twat

waltz around

in your dad's favourite shirt,

or...

we can say goodbye to it properly.

D'you think they miss us?

Who?

Mum and Dad!

I would if I were dead.

I bet it's well boring.

- What?

- Heaven.

No such thing.

So what happens to ya, then?

You become worm food.

She's only messing with you, Kev.

'Course there's a heaven.

Can't believe you never suspected

anything when you were growing up.

Your brother.

Love to have seen your mother's

face when you dropped that one.

You haven't told her.

I will.

She's... she's been through a lot lately, yeah?

Suppose we could always contest the will?

- Why?

- I don't know...

insist they move in with us?

Why?

Instant family.

Saves me messing up me figure.

No! The house isn't big enough.

Move into theirs.

Haven't they got a whirlpool

thingy in their ensuite?

Of course.

It might cramp our style a bit.

No spontaneous sex in the kitchen.

- For example.

- Exactly!

No early-morning "French breakfasts"...

Remember you said you wanted to get me

something really special for my birthday?

- Neil?

- Yeah, really special.

Well, I've thought of something.

Can't believe you never suspected

anything when you were growing up!

You're talking out your arse, Brendan!

No way the Bionic Woman could

beat the Six Million Dollar Man.

It's two years later,

technology's improved!

Stands to reason she'd be better!

And she's got a bionic ear!

Yeah, but the Six Million Dollar

Man's got a bionic eye!

It's a scientific fact that you hear

things before you see them!

- Did you hear that?

- No!

Neil... I want a lesbian experience!

O... Okay.

Really?

You are the best!

Are you sure she's asleep?

Jet lag.

I'm not really sure about this, Holly.

So what's she like?

Do we have to talk about this now?

What was that?

- What?

- Maybe she's up.

- It was nothing.

- No harm in checking though, eh?

It was nothing. Relax.

- Ow.

- Sorry...

- Shouldn't... shouldn't it be...

- What?

Harder.

- It's me, isn't it?

- No.

No, I really like you, Hol.

It's, it's just...

You feeling thirsty?

Who are you? And what the f***

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes