Mrs In-Betweeny Page #2

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are you doing here?

Ryan.

Holly's boyfriend.

Where is she?

Upstairs.

You must be Holly's Auntie.

Yeah.

Emma.

Well... goodnight, Ryan.

Yeah.

Oh. You take drugs, Ryan?

Draw?

Skank?

Weed?

No. Jesus. I'd never...

'Cause I've a feeling I'm gonna need

a lot of it if I'm living here.

Well, I might know someone,

who knows someone...

Sixty.

That should easily cover it.

Finally!

Where's the juice?

Your aunt finished it.

She's well hot.

It's Mister Spock.

Doctor Spock wrote baby books.

Common misconception.

I'm hungry.

Right, try this one.

He won't eat that.

Aunt Emma?

We thought you'd prefer if

we told that you are our aunt.

How very thoughtful.

- I'm off.

- Have a good day.

And no kissing behind the bike sheds.

Is this some kind of mind game thing?

Sorry?

Well, if you're going to punish me,

I'd rather you just did it.

Ryan.

The naked boyfriend.

Jesus!

Homework?

Hi, Kevin. Hey, Charlie!

I'm Hellen, with an "e".

Used to be Helen but Brian, husband,

kept shortening it to Hell.

- Number 6.

- Ryan's mum.

- House with the maroon door.

Though I've been begging Brian, husband,

to repaint it since the day we moved in.

But, hey, y'know what fellas are like!

Yes. We know what fellas are like, don't we, Hol?

Laters.

Shame their uncle couldn't make it.

You boys ready?

Car pool. All the mummies take a turn.

I'll give you the rota when we

bob round for coffee later.

Well, you can't be too careful.

There's already a paedo moved

in to Albion Avenue.

Coffee?

Today's Thursday.

Don't worry, I've told them not to

descend on you 'till 10.

That should give you enough time

to tidy up and put some lippy on.

Richard and Judy's latest.

We'll be discussing this on Monday.

Confidentially, I think it's a

pretentious pile of s-h-one-t.

Love, light and peace!

Shush now kids, seatbelts.

Everybody ready?

All my mates have had one, even Fiona.

I'm beginning to think

I'm some kind of leper!

You want to be a lesbian?

Not as a going concern.

I thought you'd be pleased.

Pleased?

Every man's fantasy, isn't it?

- Two women going at in the same room?

- Oh, I am. Obviously, well,

I guess l was just thinking more along

the lines of a necklace or something.

Ah. You feel threatened?

No.

That is so sweet!

But you shouldn't, you know.

Think of it as a compliment.

- Compliment?

- I trust you enough

to want to share

my innermost fantasies, Neil.

- What is he?

- A pig.

School Nativity.

- It's September.

- And not even THE pig,

he's the third pig!

- Mummy, can I have some sweets?

- Yes, you can.

These are the last ones, OK?

- One for you and one for you.

- Thank you.

I wrap up bits of carrot.

They think they're chocolates.

So Emma, I wasn't aware

Rebecca or Ben had a sister.

They don't.

And will your husband

be joining you any time soon?

No.

We're separating.

Excuse me.

Yeah, I'm his guardian.

I'll be right over.

Nothing too terrible I hope, Emma?

Kevin's headmaster.

He's been caught

distributing porn around the school.

I don't suppose anyone

could offer me a lift?

Brendan, Brendan, Brendan...

Emma?

Right everybody, look at me. Smile!

Smile. Brendan, stop pouting.

- Oh, you big girl. You poof. Bum boy!

- Shut up, you lot.

Mrs Winslow?

Please.

I'll, err, pray for him.

It's, err...

a penis.

It's been so long since I last saw one.

Did he tell you where he got it from?

No. But, well, it doesn't take a genius

to figure that one out.

- The internet.

- Of course.

Damn thing.

- Damn it indeed, Mrs Winslow.

- Miss.

AKA Emma.

If you're feeling particularly bold.

That's a very nice err...

Kevin...

I'm sorry. If this was

an isolated incident...

- He's been caught selling porn before?

- Not that we know of.

But you are aware of

last month's incident?

Yes, of course.

Then you don't need me to tell you what

a major disruptive influence he's been.

You're aware of his family situation?

Oh, more than, and it is indeed

extremely sad but,

I have to think

about the rest of the children.

The majority needs

as opposed to the individual?

Quite.

Which leaves me no option but to...

and I say this

with the heaviest of hearts...

- ...exclude him.

- What?

He's seven years old!

I appreciate your concern...

F*** concern! What am I going to do

with him all day?

- Excuse me?

- Two words :
Bargain Hunt.

I don't want a 7-years-old

snapping around my ankles

- while I'm watching TV.

- Quite.

Is there no way I can make you reconsider?

I'm extremely sorry.

Let me ask you that question again...

Graham.

Is there no way I can make you

reconsider...Graham?

Or maybe you'd like to give me

your answer over a drink tonight?

Bollocks!

What the f*** are you doing here?

I got your message.

Yeah, all right, lads!

Just back to work, yeah?

- I said I'd see you at the house.

- Can't. Hot date.

Besides, I need the money.

House keeping.

Christ! Will you look at yourself!

Never had you down as a prude, Neil.

- I'm not.

- So, where's my desk going?

I do own a percentage

of the business now. Technically.

Kidding! Think of my nails.

- So what's the big problem?

- No...problem...

...exactly. Err, just thought I'd check

in, you know, see how it's going.

- Is it going?

- Nothing I can't handle.

- Well, if there's nothing else...

- Yeah, also...

I need... I need your advice.

Bye.

Off for me lunch.

- Want anything?

- Err, no.

Mary?

You're all alone, right?

- Must be hard being so lonely.

- Has its moments.

If you'd like, I mean I am extremely

busy, as you can imagine,

but you're quite welcome to come over

for a sherry one night.

- Oh, lovely.

- Great.

Not tonight, by the way.

Pilates. Saturday crown green.

Obviously, can't do Sunday.

- God?

- Oh, no, paintballing.

Residents VS Careworkers.

- Why don't you get back to me?

- Are you sure about that butty?

Oh, I'm fine.

And you thought because I'm a freak, I'd

know where to get hold of other freaks?

I'm out of my comfort zone here, OK?

I don't know about this stuff.

If you don't want to do it, tell her.

It's not that I don't want to do it,

per se. I love her, you know?

- I just want to make her happy.

- And if you can't find her

a rug muncher, you're scared she's going

to run off with some guy who will?

OK. F*** off.

God what was I even thinking

asking of my own brother for...

- Sister.

- Whatever.

I want your car.

Well, I want...

- No, no.

- No car, no lesbian.

- No.

- Fine...

- Okay.

- Okay?

So, is mother still working

in that charity shop?

Nicking all the best stuff and fobbing

the rest off as designer gear?

Nothing ever changes round here.

Brendan?

Emma...

Could you make her, well...not too

lesbian-ish, if you know what I mean?

Quite like to have some fun myself.

Bye, guys.

- Sh*t! What?

- I've been giving it a lot of thought,

and I really think you should

dump Ryan, darling.

- What?

- Sleep with him by all means.

You're far too young to be

in a serious relationship.

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