Mrs In-Betweeny Page #3

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Your grandfather and I

hardly ever did it.

But now he's buggered off, I can't stop

thinking about it. How strange.

You're 15, you should be

enjoying yourself.

Gran...

- Give Brendan a message.

- Oh, God.

He needs to apologize

after all the grief he's caused.

Tell him to call me

at the shop this afternoon.

Not tonight though, eh? Pilates.

I really do have to go.

I'll tell you what, why don't I book you

an appointment at the family planning?

Get a coil fitted or something.

It's been ages since we did

something fun together!

I don't want an appointment

at the family f***ing planning!

- You all right?

- Yeah...

How are we doing in there?

Oh, you look divine!

Of course you're lucky.

You've got the figure for it.

Turn round.

It's a tad expensive.

Genuine Armani is, dear.

Still a hell of a lot cheaper

than the high street.

There, that's better.

You really think... I look okay?

You look stunning, dear.

Oh, I've got just the thing, wait there!

Came in yesterday,

just suit a woman like you, not that

there's many of us left around here.

More wogs than wags,

if you know what I mean...

Some people!

'Hope you're gonna like it.

3,2,1, surprise! Yeah!

- Everybody ready?

- Yes.

Blow 'em out.

You hungry?

You have no new messages.

Okay. Just do it.

- Do it?

- Ground me, hit me, whatever,

just get it over and done with.

This about that whole

boyfriend thing again?

Ryan wasn't it? Unless of course

you're onto someone else by now.

Was over 20 hours ago after all.

You're supposed to care

about my well-being.

- Wrong.

- What?

I'm your guardian, not your nursemaid.

You sh*t yourself, you clean it up!

That's not fair!

We don't know each other.

Haven't spoken since you were 10.

You want that sort of commitment,

you gotta earn it. If you want to behave

like a slapper then, hey,

who am I to stand in your way?

D! I got a D!

English never was my strong suit.

Geography on the other hand...

Why didn't you tell me

you were shite at English?

You didn't ask me.

No, you just assumed that.

A, because we're related

I'd be delighted to cheat

for you, and B,

that I know all there is to know

about creative writing which,

- as you can see... I clearly do not.

- I hate you.

Well you better get used to that feeling

kiddo, 'cause I'm all you've got.

- F***ing weirdo!

- F***ing weirdo?

Years of education and that's the best

you can come up with?

- F***ing, mentalfreak!

- Better.

Up-hill gardening, sh*t-stabbing freakoid!

C-plus. But still no cigar. Come on,

Charlie, you can do better that.

Cock-loving, bum-baiting, shirt-lifting,

sperm-guzzling c*nt!

Inaccurate.

But if you'd applied that level

of creativity to your homework,

then maybe you

wouldn't have got a D, eh?

Right then Kevin, 'looks like it's just

you and me for dinner, there you go.

One plate of red stuff.

Sorry. Sounds silly but I feel like

I already know you. Sorry.

Excuse me, I'm just gonna go

and... freshen up.

- Graham?

- I was thinking, maybe,

- we should cut to the chase?

- There's a chase?

No point blowing a fortune

on a three course meal

if we both know

what we're really here for.

Not that I wouldn't buy you

a three course meal...

You're right.

I am ?

God, I love it when a man

knows what he wants!

- Oh, you do?

- Yeah.

Makes me wet just thinking about it.

Wet?

It's like Niagara Falls down there.

Oh, you like to play rough.

Tell you what else I like?

Watching.

Well?

- It's a bit cold in here.

- Maybe this will help?

Sh*t me!

Ready when you are, headmaster.

- Leave it!

- Might be the kids.

Don't worry, I'm a woman,

I can multi-task!

- Hello?

- Brendan?

It's Deborah, Brendan. Mother.

- You OK?

- Well, as good as can be expected

considering I've lost both my husband

and eldest son in the same year.

You sound strange...

In the car, hands free.

I was just calling to see

how my grandchildren are.

As I'm assuming

you're in no rush to call me.

They're fine.

Everything's all in hand.

Actually, there was something

I wanted to run by you.

Hardly worth mentioning in fact.

It's about that...

whole 'business' before you left.

I may have exaggerated it

all slightly. You see...

I may have said you stole more of

my money than you actually did...

I forget the exact details.

Show me...

Go on, go on, go on...

Yeah. Yeah!

Oh... Fu...

Brendan?

Sorry Mum, tunnel. Lost you there,

what were you saying?

Mom?

- Oh, sorry...

- Away from me!

That's not very

gentlemanly of you, Graham.

You're not staying to finish me off?

Don't worry.

I won't tell your wife...

if you get your kicks pleasuring

yourself over chicks with d*cks.

- Probably.

- He won't be excluded, alright?

There, you got what you wanted,

- now f*** off!

- Is that all you think all this is

really about? Little Kev's future?

You don't recognise me, do you?

'Course, no reason why you should.

Over 20 years ago now.

And my hair was a lot shorter then.

What was it you used to collect?

Oh, yeah, old pickle jars, wasn't it?

Which you'd fart in and then seal back up.

And if I didn't do exactly what you and

my idiot brothers said,

you'd let them off in my face.

Brendan?

My life was hell enough already

thank you very much.

'Cause I wasn't like you

and your rugger-bugger mates.

I was a bit different.

Let's do it again sometime.

Pst! Fancy a smoke?

- This your shag pad then?

- No!

Just assumed...

It's not as though you can dip your wick

at home with Mary and Joseph around.

Funny!

Joking aren't you?

That hippy sh*t rots your brain.

She thinks...

you don't like them. You know, Holly.

Always said she'd go far that one.

So why d'you come back

and look after them?

They're my family.

Bible class finished early.

Ryan?

- How much d'you make?

- 20.

Laters.

I'd like to talk.

Samaritans love to chat.

You're wrong, you know?

I'm not a slapper.

I don't know whether

you've noticed but...

I'm kind of going through

a difficult time at the minute.

I just wanted someone...anyone...

to touch.

I just wanted to feel wanted.

You know that feeling...

Holly, honey, I know you want to blame

everything on your parents

being dead, but honestly...

this isn't about anyone dying.

You just want to get your end away.

Goodnight.

You know what the chances are

of being hit by a lump of frozen urine

falling from an aeroplane's toilet?

It's like a zillion to one or something.

Nobody knows me as Holly any more.

I'm just the girl whose parents

were killed by a lump of frozen piss.

They're dead and they're

still embarrassing me!

If only they'd shut that sun roof.

You're lucky.

My mum's still alive.

She's going to be so pissed off

when she finds out.

So you don't like talking

about the past then, eh?

How exactly would one go

about getting one's end away?

Hypothetically speaking of course.

- You don't know how to?

- Of course I know how to.

I just don't...

Well, it's one thing knowing all the

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