Mrs In-Betweeny Page #4

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theory but when it comes to...

Hands on experience?

I'm an A student.

I'm good at everything. Ask anyone.

I want my first time to be the best.

You used to be a man...

you must know what they like.

Lesson 1.

Choose your weapon.

You must have a fanny like a bucket.

Right, so, now what I am about to

show you is strictly between us, yeah?

A family secret, passed down

from generation to generation.

What, like the recipe for Coca-Cola?

Exactly like that. But this has got

more protein in it.

- Okay.

- I promise, if you do exactly

as I show you,

I guarantee you an A grade.

Holy sh*t!

Your fancy woman's back.

Do you call that appropriate clothing?

What d'you want anyway?

Your car.

- You mean you've actually got me a...

- 150 an hour, plus VAT.

I've booked you a room at the Palace,

even organised some Champagne,

well, it is Kathleen's birthday.

She should get there round about 8.

Keys.

Is she... you know?

Extremely un-lesbian looking.

- Someone's got to collect her.

- Yeah.

And they said romance was dead.

Well, must be going.

You know what it's like,

sports kits to wash,

prostitutes to pick up.

Yes.

Drive slowly!

# But if you want to know

How I really feel #

# Get the cameras rolling

Get the action going #

# Baby you know

My love for you is real #

# Take me where you want to #

# Makes my heart just feel... #

# More, more, more How do you like it?

How do you like it? #

# More, more, more How do you like it?

How do you like it? #

# More, more, more How do you like it?

How do you like it? #

Oh, sh*t...

# How do you like your love? #

# How do you like your love? #

# But if you want to know

How I really feel #

# Get the cameras rolling

Get the action going #

Can you step out

the car please, madam?

- Yeah?

- It's me. Holly.

I've just got a call from the police.

What's going on?

Well, this belongs to you, does it?

Depends on what it's done.

Mr Philips came home

and found him asleep in his house.

- D'you know him?

- Never seen him before in my life!

You nick anything?

Only because I came home and caught him!

No harm done then, eh?

And the last thing you want is more

paperwork before you finish your shift.

- You what?

- Look I swear as soon as I get him home

I'll kick the living crap out of him.

I can't say fairer than that, can I?

Hang on a minute. You're not just

gonna let him go, are ya?

He will be cautioned,

but he didn't steal anything.

If you hadn't

left the door off the latch...

- That's not the f***ing point, is it?

- Eh!

Ladies present!

Running away because

you got a D in your homework

is pretty pathetic, you know, Charlie.

If you're gonna do

a runner, do it with style.

You got a girl pregnant, for example,

or you killed someone...

Or become a woman?

Dad built that bloke's house.

Built everything around here.

Sh*t hole before.

Used to tell me

he built St Paul's Cathedral.

Just some poxy houses

on a poxy housing estate.

I ran away once. Brighton.

Rained like a right bastard.

Who the f*** are you?

Is that Gran?

Miss...?

Just sign here.

And, err, your lift's sat over there.

Mum.

I know.

But all my other clothes

were in the wash.

Brendan?

Ain't you got lovely teeth.

- Grandma!

- Hello, Kevin.

What's she doing here?

I'm calling her a cab.

I just, err, wanted to see

how my granchildren are coping.

We're fine. Goodbye.

- Auntie Emma's got a cock and balls!

- Penis and testicles.

Can't Grandma stay for tea?

We've got red stuff.

Tempting...

...but I really should be getting home.

I'll wait for it outside, Brendan.

Her name's Emma.

Glad to see you're all getting along

- so famously.

- Why don't you just come out

- and say it?

- No, it's nothing.

Apart from one teeny little thing.

Hardly worth mentioning really but see,

the thing is...

Thing is, I did everything for him,

baby-sat,

bought them anything they wanted,

when he needed the loan to bail out

the company, who did he come to?

And how did he repay me?

I gave birth to him.

26 hours of pure hell

and I get nothing in return!

He was the only one I cared about.

And who did he leave everything to?

Someone he hasn't talked to,

let alone seen, in five years!

This should be my f***ing house!

Those are my f***ing grandchildren!

And I'll be damned if I'm going

to lose it all to some f***ing freak!

I'm the freak!...

I'm the freak?

This poor girl... 15 years old.

Can't even give a decent blowj*b.

He's been breaking

into other people's houses.

That one almost got expelled

for distributing pornography.

Your other son asked me

to find him a dyke

and I've had to bail you out for driving

pissed without due care and attention

because you had some love eggs

shoved up your box!

We're all freaks, Mum!

Christ, I've never felt so at home!

But on the plus side,

little Kevin here

did start eating broccoli.

I am so f***ed.

You think that makes you special?

# You talk too much #

# Maybe that's your way #

# Of breaking up the silence

That fills you up #

# But it doesn't sound the same #

# When no-one's really listening

We stumble #

# Into our lives #

# Reach for a hand to hold #

# Any wonder

we need to find #

# A certain something certain #

# Turn out the light

and what are you left with ? #

# Open up your hands

And find out they're empty #

# Press my face to the ground

I've got to find a reason #

# Just scratching around for

Something To Believe In #

- You OK?

- Yeah! Yeah.

# You have

too much #

# Spending all your time #

# Collecting and discovering #

Sh*t!

# And no matter how you try #

# You never find the one you want

We stumble #

# Into our lives

Without a hand to hold #

# Any wonder

We need to find #

# A certain something certain? #

# Turn out the light

And what are you left with? #

# Turn out the light

And what are you left with? #

# Open up my hands

And find out they're empty #

# Press my face to the ground

I'm gonna find a reason #

# Still scratching around for

Something To Believe In #

# Something To Believe In

Something I can Believe In #

# Something I can Believe In #

# Come on I need it

Something I can Believe In #

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