Muppets Most Wanted Page #2

Isn't that exciting. I can't believe it.

All right, gather round, troops.

Everybody?

Okay, 9W5-

Since we're playing such a big theater,

let's stick with what we know.

We'll open with a cabaret number...

Kermit, when do I do

the indoor running of the bulls?

Mr. Kermit, sir?

I would very much like to demonstrate

my magnetic bomb-attractor vest.

Bunsen, why would you even

invent one of those?

Why did I invent

the unexpectedly exploding cupcake?

Hey, what about Muppet Ladder?

Muppet Ladder?

That's never, ever worked, Gonzo.

Last time we all tried that

was 20 years ago

and you ended up

in a cast for six months.

Yeah, good times.

Kermit, what if I do

four or five Celine Dion songs?

You know Celine Dion,

she works in Vegas.

No, Piggy, there's no time for that.

What about the band's

marathon jam session?

Drum solo! Drum solo!

No drum solo!

Guys, guys, guys!

We can't just do whatever we want.

This is our opening night.

Let's play to our strengths, because...

Well...

Look, I didn't want to worry you guys

but if we don't sell this theater out,

it would mean the end of the tour.

What?

And maybe the end of us.

Great news, Muppets. We're sold out.

What?

Fine.

I mean, great, great.

Well done, Dominic.

Hey, I have an amazing idea for an act.

It's called

"The Indoor Running of the Bulls."

Gonzo, I've told you,

that act is far too dangerous.

Actually, Kermit, I was asking

Dominic what he thinks.

Good grief.

Dominic, Dominic! Five songs.

"Sold out." Like we've

sold out a show in 30 years.

Is this a good time to discuss

our upcoming European wedding?

No, actually, I'm kind of busy right now.

Perfect!

I have 23 swatches

for the seat covers for the reception,

eight font choices for the menu,

which, by the way,

we are not serving flies.

Piggy, what are you talking about?

I'm just trying to involve you in

some of the decision-making, dear.

What about being involved

in the decision

to get married in the first place, huh?

Kermit, you never let me do what I want!

0h. yeah?

Well, what about what I want?

What about that?

I haven't even proposed yet.

- You can do that on our honeymoon.

- What?

That's insane! Do you hear

what you're saying?

Insane? How dare you call

yourfianc?einsane?

You are not my fianc?e!

We are not engaged!

And, as a matter of fact,

the way this particular conversation

is going right now... Well...

I'm fine with that!

Piggy. Wait! I'm sorry!

Get out!

Don't take it personally.

They still love you.

They just prefer me now.

Thank you, Dominic.

That's very comforting.

Do you know what I think helps

sometimes in situations like this?

What?

A walk alone in the fog

in former East Berlin.

Maybe along a deserted canal.

Well, I guess a quiet stroll

is not a bad idea.

Let the others know I've gone, will you?

Sure. I promise.

Thanks.

Corrine, come here!

Boo.

What just happened?

What?

Wait a second.

Hold on, hold on!

There must be some mistake!

Don't you know me?

I'm Kermit the Frog!

Silence, Constantine. The game is up.

Who?

No, no! Wait a minute!

I'm Kermit the Frog!

Guys, this is a mistake! I'm telling you!

Hey, hey! Hello! Somebody!

Open up!

I'm an Amphibian-American!

It's not easy being mean.

Has anyone seen Kermit?

It's 15 minutes to curtain.

Hi, guys. Look, it's Kermit,

just back from his afternoon stroll.

Hi-lo! I am Kermit.

What...

He's got a cold. That's why his voice

sounds a little bit different

at the moment.

See? Just calm down. Just relax.

You are right. Dominic is terrific!

From now on, let's do whatever he says.

All right. Yeah.

Wow, that walk

must have really helped.

Miss Pig, I have wronged you.

I humbly beg your forgiveness.

You're not getting off that easy, bucko.

Come on, Foo Foo.

Bad frog! Bad frog!

What is this? Let go, dog!

Animal, stop it!

Kermit has agreed that Dominic

is right all the time, man.

Good.

So, now that Kermit agrees

with me on everything...

- I am Kermit.

- Definitely.

Let's go and hang out backstage, yeah?

Okay, all right.

Come, little friend.

Let us get on with the show

and enjoy our family-style adventure

during which we shall bond

and learn heartwarming lesson.

Perhaps about sharing,

or waiting your turn,

or the number three.

Right, Kermit.

Sure.

Flawlessly executed. Bravo.

What did you expect from

world's most dangerous frog

and number one criminal,

Number Two?

Yeah, I know.

You're number one, I'm number two.

I think you mentioned that before.

Now that we control

the Muppet tour, Number Two,

phase one of our plan is complete.

We are now positioned

to carry out greatest...

-"Burglary."

- Yes.

...of all time, and pin it

on those gullible Muppets,

who will spend the rest

of their miserable lives behind bars.

Tonight,

we steal the painting

and then we'll have all we need

to steal the unstealable,

the Crown Jewels of England.

Ensuring that my name

goes down in history

as greatest thief of all time!

You mean our names, right?

Of course.

My name first, then spacebar,

spacebar, spacebar, your name.

Sure.

I'm number one

You're number two

We're criminals at large

But I'm at larger than you

I'm number one

You're number two

I believe in equality

As long as you get less than me

- I'm one

-You're one

You're number two

I'm number two.

You may think that you're smarter

But I'm smarterer than you

I'm number one

You're number two

You're lucky to be number two

Not number three

I can see by the look in your eye

You want to get a bigger

piece of the pie

One day you'll get your chance

But in the meantime

You've got to dance, monkey, dance!

Really? I hate dancing.

DO it!

Dance, monkey, dance!

I'm number two

He's number one

I can't believe

I'm working for an amphibian

I'm number two

He's number one

I'm number one!

You know life's gone to the dogs

When your boss is a frog

I can see it's just a matter of time

Before he's gone

And I'm at the front of the line

It won't be long till I get my chance

But in the meantime

I've got to dance, monkey, dance

Dance, monkey, dance

Now, watch me.

- I'm number one

-He's number one

- You're number two

-I'm number two

That's it, kid

There you go

Now step aside

This ain't your show

- I'm one

-"I'm one"

I'm number one

Yes, we know

- I'm...

-He's...

Number one!

That's how it's done.

15 seconds to curtain... Kermit?

Sure.

Okay.

Have you studied

your Kermit tapes yet?

Of course not.

This is child's play for frog of my talent.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome...

"Study Kermit tapes." Nonsense.

It's...

Oh, no.

Kermit! Introduce the show.

It's the Muppet Show!

With our very special guest star,

Christoph Waltz!

What is happening? Why am I flying?

- What the...

- We gotta do something!

Please welcome our first act,

Herr Christoph Waltz dances the waltz!

Darling, you set my world on fire.

Did somebody say "explosion"?

No! He says I set his world on fire.

There it is again!

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