Murder She Said Page #2

a position at Ackenthorpe Hall?

- Ackenthorpe Hall?

- Yes, Ackenthorpe Hall.

Oh, yes,

I think I can accommodate you.

Yes, there's always a vacancy there.

Thank you.

Yes?

I'm Jane, from Mrs Binster's

Employment Agency, the new maid.

Well, you look old enough

to know better. Come in.

- I am to see Miss Ackenthorpe.

- You're expected. In there.

- Miss Ackenthorpe?

- Yes.

I'm Jane.

- The new maid?

- Yes, Jane Marple.

If you'll kindly show me

where to put my things...

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

Is this post

really what you are looking for?

Well naturally,

otherwise I wouldn't be here.

I don't want a housekeeper.

I want someone to... to do the work.

Yes. You want cooking, washing up,

beds made, floors scrubbed,

fires lit, ashes taken away...

I understand.

- I hope you'll find us suitable.

- Oh, I'm sure I shall.

I hope the work's not too exacting.

There are three of us,

myself, my nephew -

down for the school holidays -

and Father.

- May I show you to your room?

- Yes.

I'll take that, my dear.

Perhaps the clubs, if you don't mind.

- I must keep fit, you know.

- Yes, of course.

Our staff consists of Hillman,

the gardener,

and Mrs Kidder, she let you in.

She comes in three afternoons a week

to do the rough work.

My grandfather. He founded

the family fortune - tea biscuits.

Oh yes and very excellent biscuits

they were too.

A severe man, I'm afraid.

Miss Marple, I think it only fair

to explain that my father is...

...quite frankly, difficult at times.

He's an invalid.

He's very keen on economy

and sometimes says things

that upset people.

- I wouldn't want you to...

- I'm used to caring for the elderly.

We'll manage.

Emma!

Emma! I hear you!

- Yes, Father. Excuse me.

- Don't try to sneak off.

- Is the new girl with you?

- Well... yes, Father.

I hope she's got more meat on her

than the last one. I hate 'em skinny!

Don't just stand there boggling,

bring her in.

Yes... er...

will you come in please?

Father,

this is Miss Marple, er... Jane.

A plain Jane if I ever saw one.

We can't all be young and handsome

can we, Mr Ackenthorpe?

I cannot tolerate impertinence.

Then we should get on admirably -

neither can I.

If you're staying and I suppose

you've got to, understand this:

Because I live in a big house

doesn't mean I'm a rich man.

So don't come here

with big ideas.

I live here because I want to,

not because I can afford it.

- Father, don't you think...

- No! Can you cook?

If you want

good English cooking, yes.

Cod is as good as lobster

and much cheaper.

That depends on whether one has

a palate unsullied by cheap opiates.

If you mean what I think you mean,

this cost two shillings.

Yes, quite.

- I'll show Miss Marple to her room.

- Good idea.

That was Hillman the gardener. When

Father moves about, he calls him.

They're close.

Will you stay, Miss Marple... Jane?

- My dear lady, of course.

- I'm so glad.

Emma, come back here!

You've forgotten my medicine.

Excuse me.

Your room is the door

opposite the small stairs.

- I'll find it.

- May I give you those?

- All right?

- Yes, thank you.

Come out, at once!

I advise you to come out!

Very well...

You're Miss Emma's nephew, I presume?

Yes, Alexander Eastley.

How do you do?

How do you do?

I'm Jane. Jane Marple.

Yes... it is disappointing, isn't it?

I'd hoped for a Jayne Mansfield.

You have much in common

with your grandfather.

We're very alike in many ways.

Mind you, I'm not mean. He'll stop

that vase out of your wages.

It's just as well

you got out of the way, or...

It would have been my head

and you would get 10 years.

It's still possible.

Not only do you

not look like Jayne Mansfield,

you're not my idea of a maid either.

Well, quite honestly, I don't think

you'd be everybody's idea of a boy.

There's something

very fishy about you.

I can see you'll have to go -

after Mrs Kidder of course,

she's next, depressing creature.

- So was Annie.

- Annie?

Your predecessor. Thin as a rake

and a shocking cook. Can you cook?

I think I've done better than Annie.

Grandfather's like that too

and he hates a late dinner.

I'd leave the unpacking

if I were you.

In that case, you'd better

show me to the kitchen, Alexander.

Very well... Jane.

Emma!

That's him - always shouting,

mostly about money. This way.

Emma!

They're all waiting

for him to drop dead.

FrightfuI pack of vultures our

family, except possibly Aunt Emma.

Who are these vultures?

Uncle Harold -

stinking rich and just as mean.

Uncle Albert -

deadly dull, poor fellow.

Then there's Uncle Cedric.

He paints, but not for art's sake.

Last year,

he and one of his models...

- Alexander!

- He's like that.

- There was an Uncle Edmond.

- Was?

Yes, stopped a whole bomb

during the war all by himself.

There wasn't another man around

for miles - deserting probably.

Who can be held responsible for you?

Well put. Mummy's name was Edith,

but she's dead.

- Daddy is Brian Eastley.

- Oh?

The fighter ace - Battle of Britain.

- Oh, THE Brian Eastley.

- Yes.

I'll set him up in business when

I get my inheritance. Here we are.

There you are. About time. I'm off.

I wouldn't stay here after dark,

not for all the tea in China.

The pots and pans are

on that shelf there over the stove.

The groceries

and provisions are in there.

- Thank you.

- Cheerio.

- Good day.

- Good day.

- What's the matter?

- I was being polite.

Charming, isn't she, Jane?

- You should see this.

- What?

Phase four:
Anti-Kidder campaign.

Splendid!

Dinner at eight please, Jane.

I see you made yourself comfortable.

I trust you have no objection?

Maybe.

I shouldn't make yourself

too comfortable if I was you.

Yes?

Oh, who are you?

I'm the new maid, sir.

Dr Quimper.

You'll get used to seeing me here.

- Alexander, I suppose.

- Yes, I'm afraid so.

Mr Ackenthorpe will be expecting me.

- I'll show you up.

- That won't be...

Doctor...

Where on earth

are my confounded matches?

- It's you.

- Good morning.

Morning.

What are you doing in here?

Snooping, I suppose?

Where are my matches?

If you're going to smoke,

I'll open a window.

I'm a great believer in fresh air.

Aren't you, Doctor?

Why, yes, I am... Miss...

Marple her name, marble her nature!

Let her give me double pneumonia!

If you can't kill me off one way,

you'll kill me off another.

You're going to live to be 100

in spite of anything I can do.

Then tell her to stop opening windows

and light my cheroot.

Any chance

that will send him to sleep, Doctor?

I'm afraid it's a stimulant.

- Roll over.

- Oh, dear.

Hold it closer, woman!

Your home town lost

a good horse doctor when you left.

In fact, I was bad with horses.

How did the birthday party go?

Did all the family get down?

Of course they did -

made a weekend of it,

free board and lodging

from Friday night.

- Friday.

- What's that to do with you?

Oh, nothing! It just happened to be

an interesting day for me too.

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